Feeling invalidated

[NightSky]

I’m having this ongoing weird thing happen with my T. She has been amazing over the last 3 years at teaching me about the brain and helping me understand my own whacked out experiences so that I feel less crazy. It has been a lot of me saying “what if I’m lying/making it up/looking for attention,” and a lot of her giving me a million reasons why I should trust myself.

Generally I have very few memories from ages 0-10 and had several flashes of memories when i moved out of my parent’s house and entered a serious relationship, very specific and varied in nature depicting csa, before I even understood that could happen.

My t usually draws my attention to all of the symptoms, automatic reactions, body sensations, nightmares etc that all point to the same thing.

Last year I really started to trust myself, but was having difficulty being open with my T in session because I wasn’t sure if she believed if these memories are real, and that felt important to me. I told her in an email I needed to hear from her what she thinks, so I’m not talking around it in session. She said she had a lot of feedback but then we never discussed it. We were away on vacations and then i was afraid to bring it up. Then a month ago she made a comment in session about how “it only takes one time” to change the brain. And I flipped out internally, feeling like how can you say that when I have all of these different flashes I always contend with? So I emailed her basically that, but I was upset and asking if it only takes one time which thing should I believe? Then my grandma passed away and we were really sidetracked (and she was amazing at helping me with that grief). This past week I emailed her at her request, giving feedback on a book, and mentioned that I’m really realizing how big of a deal validation and invalidation are. And how both shut me down. I mentioned in the email that her “it only takes one time” comment was probably meant to be validating but felt invalidating and I was ready to leave therapy over it. In our session last night we discussed the email at length. Mostly about family dynamics and invalidation and she threw in the comment “if there was sexual abuse you probably were afraid you wouldn’t be believed” and I managed to just float through the session, then came home and lost it. “IF!?” How does one use the word IF after three years of trying to make me trust myself???

I immediately was nauseous and developed a headache and was shaking uncontrollably. I started an email and realized emailing isn’t helping this situation. So I emailed asking to move our session from next thurs to next tue so I could talk to her about what feels like a huge disconnect I just can’t sit with for a week. I feel so confused and hurt and tired of this process. I said very little in the email except that her use of the word if, after all this time of teaching me to trust myself is making me physically ill. and she texted saying tue was fine. That’s all she said.

Ive never asked to change a session to sooner to address something specific. We’ve never had a rupture. I’m never open and honest about csa stuff in session (that comes out in emails) because I just get tunnel vision.

So.. I’m really scared. And feel like maybe I’m seeing this all wrong. And need insight or words of advice on how to approach this, and how to not feel by tue like I am a big over-reactor and was dumb to ask for a sooner session. But this feels like a really big deal to me. I’m not sure if she’s playing devil’s advocate. I’m not sure if I don’t make it clear enough to her how daily struggles with symptoms (triggers/intrusive memories etc) interfere with my life. I know I can’t know those things until I see her. But I’m totally freaking out about asking these questions. I haven’t struggled with self harm impulses for a while now and it feels like all I want to do in response to this. Like I deserve to be punished.

 

[hithere]

so sorry you are having a hard time. sometimes what the t says in a session that is "innocuous" with no meaning behind can send me into spirals of anxiety until it's addressed in person. Her comment probably more purely a logical comment of "If X, then Y usually follows." Not a statement like "if"-- like you don't know. More of a "causal" type statement. But because of the emotional and cognitive upheaval it all gets confused. I've also learned when I have super giant sized upheavals, it's from the young parts that suffered and had no voice. Comments that sound like their voice isn't heard causes me a lot of upheaval.

 

[Friday]

And feel like maybe I’m seeing this all wrong. And need insight or words of advice on how to approach this, and how to not feel by tue like I am a big over-reactor and was dumb to ask for a sooner session. But this feels like a really big deal to me

One...

It’s not dumb to request an earlier session when you’re this upset. Full stop.

It doesn’t matter if you’re completely wrong about what she meant, and totally misunderstood. Or rather, that would be the best possible outcome, yes? Rather than worst case / overreacting / shouldn’t have made the appointment. IE If you’ve misunderstood her completely then awesome! You get to find that out and get on the same page and huge relief.

Then a month ago she made a comment in session about how “it only takes one time” to change the brain.

family dynamics and invalidation and she threw in the comment “if there was sexual abuse you probably were afraid you wouldn’t be believed” and I managed to just float through the session, then came home and lost it. “IF!?” How does one use the word IF after three years of trying to make me trust myself???

Which rolls into... I’m not only not hearing what you’re hearing... but I’m drawing entirely different conclusions from what you’ve quoted.

Much like if you asked someone to pick the socks up off the floor for you, (because you were about to start a load of wash, but if you bent over you’d drop what you were carrying, so hey! Help me out with this? :woot: )

... and they screamed at you that they are NOT a disgusting filthy lazy piece of shit! :mad:
<record screech>
... What??? I didn’t say- :eek:
... YOU DID! You think I’m a worthless piece of crap who should kill themselves! :arghh;
... I asked you to do me a favor, that’s all. :confused:

One of those ^^^ levels of projection/mind reading... where you’re hearing what you’re most afraid of, rather than what was said/meant.

Now, I could totally be wrong. I hope not. But I could be.

But if not? If I am reading it right? That’s even MORE of a reason to make & keep the earlier appointment. Not less.

The only way to find out what SHE really meant? Rather than what you think she might have meant, or what I think she might have meant? Is to ask her. Which is exactly what you’re doing. :tup: Good on! :tup:

 

[StellaBlue]

It’s not dumb to request an earlier session when you’re this upset. Full stop.

It doesn’t matter if you’re completely wrong about what she meant, and totally misunderstood. Or rather, that would be the best possible outcome, yes? Rather than worst case / overreacting / shouldn’t have made the appointment. IE If you’ve misunderstood her completely then awesome! You get to find that out and get on the same page and huge relief.

This [[BIG ARROW POINTING UPWARDS]]

A couple of years ago, my therapist said something that felt very invalidating. And, because we were talking about a situation that didn't involve the past, but rather a current situation, it threw me into a huge vortex - what's his sh*t, what's my sh*t, what's real, what's not...basically, I got thrown back into a pile of my old stuff, when it certainly wasn't what I had planned. After sitting on it for a day, I left him a voice mail (which is how I tend to communicate my [rare] displeasure with him) and we met in advance of our next scheduled appointment.

It turns out, it was a "both/and" - his comment was about his own issues with the situation, but I completely misinterpreted what he meant as well. He apologized for bringing his stuff "into the room" and also for triggering me. He also pointed out that, while he would never intentionally trigger me, the value in our working through it was obvious. (I was tempted to have him see the value in me slapping him silly - but that probably wouldn't have helped the situation).

What I'm trying to say is that, from what you've said, your therapist is caring and attentive - and whatever mishap she may have done, it was probably unintentional. Telling her you're upset, talking about it, working through it - this could be very valuable - and I'm not a big fan of using my therapy time and money working out issues with therapists - but a good therapist...well, that's worth it, I think.

 

[ImSad]

I went through something similar with my therapist, in the sense of terms she was using that felt extremely invalidating and hurtful when I disclosed a trauma. I sat with it for months without saying anything, because it was only a few sessions in when that happened. Months later I wound up writing her a letter explaining how the use of that term made me feel, how it was invalidating and added to the guilt and shame that I already had surrounding the situation. She actually thanked me, and we worked on repair. Now, she makes sure to follow my lead and check in with me often about language she uses. She double checks to make sure that she is understanding me correctly and using terms and words that accurately describe what I am feeling/what I’ve gone through.

I think that may be worth a shot with your therapist. I specifically wrote a letter to hand her in session as opposed to email, that way I knew it would be the focus of our session and also that everything I felt and wanted to say was right there coherently, because I tend to get anxious and babble in therapy and not really get my message across. It has been so helpful moving forward with our therapeutic relationship. I hope you figure out a way to work on repair with your t.

 

[NightSky]

Thank you. All of this insight is helpful. I hate feeling “needy” and like i can’t deal with this. @ImSad i like the idea of a letter. I know this will be the focus of the session since I asked for it early for this purpose. Which is so scary because I can’t dodge it. But I think I will write a letter just to get everything out and figure out where I’m really coming from. Then I can always hand it to her if I clam up which is highly likely.
Thanks so much for your replies.

 

[ImSad]

Thank you. All of this insight is helpful. I hate feeling “needy” and like i can’t deal with this. @ImSad i like the idea of a letter. I know this will be the focus of the session since I asked for it early for this purpose. Which is so scary because I can’t dodge it. But I think I will write a letter just to get everything out and figure out where I’m really coming from. Then I can always hand it to her if I clam up which is highly likely.
Thanks so much for your replies.

I also struggled with feeling too needy and sensitive that a simple word or phrase could affect me so much. But, my therapist thanked me for bringing it up because it reminded her to check in with her clients and be careful with the words she uses. When it comes down to it, it’s important that you feel understood and validated in your relationship with your therapist. You shouldn’t have to worry about feeling too needy, because it’s extra important that your needs are being met in a therapeutic relationship. Best of luck to you.

Edit — I just wanted to add that I completely get the feeling of wanting to dodge the topic. I mean, I avoided it for months! But getting it off my chest, and realizing that my therapists reaction was a positive one, gave me SO much relief. I hope you have a similar experience.

 

[NightSky]

Just want to hop on with a big thanks to all who gave me input and an update.. turns out I totally did either mishear her or she misspoke. She was extremely apologetic. And made it very clear that there has never been an “if” in her mind and what she meant to say was “if” I told my parents, not “if” it happened. Her short text reply to my request, she explained, was because she didn’t want to say anything that would come across defensive and make me feel unheard. The entire session was probably the most validated I’ve ever felt, AND I didn’t clam up but was able to speak directly and stay sort of present. Which is evidence of major progress. I wouldn’t have gone in as confident as I did (even though I was shaking and ill) without the input and support from those of you who commented. I’m so grateful for this space.