Feeling It Again

[Jnean]

I actually thought I could through the week between sessions this time with out falling into a depressive state because it didn't happen right after therapy like it does normally. And I had an extremely tough session, and group that evening that made me finally cry some. I felt okay like I am getting better and maybe I am but today all I feel like doing is sleeping and not getting out of bed. I have a social thing to do later so I'm going to go to see if that helps. It's good that I'm going to go even though I'm feeling this way. I slept longer today than I have in a while because I just don't feel like staying awake. I feel sad. That I can't get angry with my abusers, that I can't speak up, that I can't share my story instead of listening to everyone elses, that I can't find my story with in, that I can't cry about things that I think I should, that I am not okay, that I am not as I appear, that I feel like I don't have what it takes to get through this, that I don't feel empowered, that I'm not positive, I feel sad that I don't have a smile I once had, that I don't have an energy I once had, I feel sad for my inner child. Maybe that's good, maybe that is healing, and getting through this little by little, maybe this is part of my path. I wish I wasn't sad but at the same time I wish I was sad but sad enough to cry about what I need to.

 

[Jnean]

damn it I self medicated and still don't feel any better :(

 

[Jnean]

I will just go to sleep and face tomorrow when it comes. It will be a brand new day.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Jnean, do you think it's possible that you're so sad right now because you are finally allowing yourself to mourn the you that you lost when you suffered your trauma?

I don't know why you feel like you're unable to talk, but we're here for you if your ever change your mind... :hug: if you accept.

 

[Jnean]

thank you Mal. You could be right. I think mourning is scary. I feel a bit numb as I did take more of m as needed script for anxiety than I am supposed to. I don't know why I did it, I didn't have any panic, only sadness but perhaps that scared me enough to think I would have panic. I think I was too afraid to feel my next feeling. I have flight response. So over medicating as a way to self medicate seemed like the answer today instead of getting out of bed. So make that my third time now in the last two months. I must get out of the habit that this isn't escaping it. That I could be using my other tools I've been using every other day instead. Next time I really want to think about it before I do it and reach out to someone. I hope I can. But for now I know what I did isn't the answer, I wanted it. I wish I trusted myself more to know that I can handle my feelings, my grief, my sadness, etc. Thanks Mal. Hugs back atcha

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Jnean, sometimes you just have to do whatever you can do to dull the pain. I think that is why so many of us cut or drink. I certainly can't say it's ok to self-medicate, but I sure understand why you're doing it. At some point, though, you will have to deal with that pain. When you're ready, remember that we're here for you. :hug:

 

[Friday]

<grin> You have a helluva goals list there! :D That's awesome!

• Allow myself to be angry with my abusers
• Speak up
• Share my story (instead of just listening to everyone else's),
• Find my story within
• Cry about things that I think I should
• Appear -or be able to present myself- as I am
• Feel like I have what it takes to get through this
• Feel empowered
• Work on a positive attitude/outlook/actions
• Smile
• Increase my energy
• Feel differently for my inner child. (Happy? Determined? Angry? Proud?)
• Have my heart & mind agree on the level of emotion present / expressed (sad enough to cry, for example)

A whole lot of these break down into many steps to get there (which is great!), and a few beg questions (speak up under what circumstances? How would you wish to speak up? Etc. as one example.), which is great in a different way (helps break things down into more manageable pieces).

Of course you're exhausted & overwhelmed if you're trying for the entire list all at once! Even one of the items on it would be a very serious task to set yourself at, much less all of them at once. Are they all doable? Absolutely. Break them down into pieces, and start working on them one by one.

Questions for you:

Any I missed?
Which one do you want the most?
Which one do you need the most? (If different)
Which one(s) do you think you "should" need/want the most? (So it doesn't interfere with which one(s) you actually need/want the most, and can get written down itself as well ;))
Which one (if different) is causing you the most trouble in your life?

 

[Jnean]

thank you Friday, clears up my head, gonna think about it, question (S) that are important today and go from there. I appreciate this advice.

 

[Chimera]

@Jnean
I don't know what to say except I see you, i am listening and sending you best wishes.

P

 

[Jnean]

it's ok I feel like I'm able to get through this and that's more than I would've been able to say earlier this year. I've been reading my journal entries and it's been hard but I am reading them out loud to myself. Thought that would help me somehow. But I stop for breaks. It's making it real not that it isn't. But helps me feel I guess. Hard to explain.