Sufferer Feeling like it wasn't bad enough - non-contact CSA

[rattiestbird]

Hi. Call me Bird.

I've recently been diagnosed with C-PTSD. I knew my childhood was dysfunctional and scarring. I score 8 (maybe 9 -- we'll get to it) on the ACE questions. I understand why I'm jumpy, afraid to be close to people, most of what hurts I get -- my family was physically and emotionally abusive, neglectful, I was parentified, and I've lost two brothers to drug overdoses. Logically I grasp that I am affected by the neglect and abuse and have understood and been working through that for a long time.

What is "new" to me is considering the possibility that I am a victim of child sexual abuse. My brothers were molested/raped by our oldest brother, and discovering that in my early teens/finding out my oldest brother was that kind of monster was very upsetting; but in my head nothing like that ever happened to me. My brothers were victims of CSA -- I had a hard upbringing, but not sexual trauma. It made sense.

My mother had boyfriends that acted inappropriately towards me. I knew that much, and that it was wrong. They'd say how mature I was for my age, put their arms around my shoulders, make inappropriate jokes and say how clever I was when I got them. She had one boyfriend (we'll call him C) who showed me his dick. I knew that, too, and even mentioned it to my boyfriend once as an example of "the worst thing" that had happened, to prove I wasn't a victim of CSA. But I've been thinking about that more in recent months and finding it really distressing.

I was nine years old when C showed me his dick. We moved in with him shortly after my parents split and he was probably the first "nice" father figure I had. I walked in on him alone in their room, naked on their bed. I remember I stared first, then blushed and turned away. He laughed at my reaction, thought it was funny how embarrassed I was. I don't remember what he said exactly -- something about it just being skin, maybe -- but it made me feel like I had to stay there and look at him. I felt stupid and small and powerless. I remember I saw his dick several after that. He'd walk around the house naked if no one else was home. What I don't remember is if anything else happened -- if he ever went any further than that. I start EMDR therapy soon and I hope that will help me understand better.

I know I've struggled with intimacy issues all my life. I thought I was asexual, sex-repulsed, and that genitalia was disgusting in my teens, but decided I was just demisexual after getting a boyfriend and liking things with him. I didn't relate my asexuality to those experiences before. I don't feel afraid of sex, but I struggle with consistent interest and initiating with my partner even now.

I struggle with feeling that what happened didn't matter in comparison to what my brothers went through, because as far as I know it was non-contact. I'm scared of remembering more and realising it went further, but also scared of never knowing. I am bothered by the influence it may be having on my life now when it was so minor. I am bothered by not knowing if my intimacy issues are linked to it or if it's "just the way I am".

 

[PlainJane]

Welcome Bird

 

[Muttly]

Hi and welcome to the forum. I had similar experiences with my dad. I know how much it can mess you up. I'm sorry you experienced that. My father constantly made comments about my body. Starting when I was a toddler.

They'd say how mature I was for my age, put their arms around my shoulders, make inappropriate jokes and say how clever I was when I got them.

Yep, I also got that. Of course, the reason I got the jokes, was in large part because of all the things he said.

What I don't remember is if anything else happened -- if he ever went any further than that. I start EMDR therapy soon and I hope that will help me understand better.

Same. I hope EDMR helps you. I've accepted the fact that I am not going to remember everything.

I felt stupid and small and powerless.

when it was so minor

Feeling stupid, small and powerless is not minor. I imagine, you also felt trapped? It's so easy to compare your experiences to others. there will pretty much always be someone who experienced worse. The thing is, your experiences, feelings and thoughts still matter. It's not a competition. What you have felt is real.

He laughed at my reaction, thought it was funny how embarrassed I was.

I remember this too. My dad loved to laugh at how embarassed I got. And that definitely felt like a trap. If I reacted to things he said or did, it felt like I was giving him what he wanted. If I didn't react, it felt like I was a part of what he said or did, like I wanted it.

I hope posting here helps you. Please keep talking and reaching out for help.

 

[Friday]

I struggle with feeling that what happened didn't matter in comparison to what my brothers went through, because as far as I know it was non-contact.

So… there’s this MASSIVE (ninja sneaky subtle) MASSIVE symptom of PTSD known as “avoidance”.

You grew up in an abusive & neglectful home.
Your siblings were raped.

Yet, you’re focused on SEEING A PENIS.

(And that’s breaking your brain… for good reason. Which tells me you’re smart. Smart people have a harder time of it, but I adore smart people.)

That’s a massive avoidance symptom, right there. The LEAST of a bad lot… that, to be frank, could be creepy as hell or totally normal depending on the bloke who did it, and the circumstances involved.

Just for experiments sake? “Delete” seeing the penis.

How VIOLENTLY do you respond to even the idea of it? Full recoil? Rage? Self doubt? Despair? How dare you! Etc.?

If the seeing of the penis was the “trauma”? There would be zeeeeero visceral reaction to attempting to subtract it (unless you’re autistic, or OCD, or a very small handful of other disorders (specific phobia, etc.) in which case it could be curtains or a red bug or whatever that causes the same violent reaction (different baseline neruochem does different things). If, however, you have PTSD from a violent/neglectful childhood? (Regardless of whether everyone you lived with and loved had it “worse”.) You’ve done well by NOT throwing your computer/tablet/phone/device across the room just in the IDEA that viewing a penis is not a trauma, so delete that, and see what’s left.

What’s left? Even from the broadstrokes? Is enough, and more than enough several times over, to cause PTSD. As well as many other things.

That you’re fixated on this singular event in the MAELSTROM that was your childhood? Is extremely telling. Of either PTSD (latching onto something strong enough to avoid the worse things) or another disorder which truly is fixated on it.

 

[rattiestbird]

Thanks both. I appreciate you taking the time to respond.

That’s a massive avoidance symptom, right there. The LEAST of a bad lot… that, to be frank, could be creepy as hell or totally normal depending on the bloke who did it, and the circumstances involved.

I don’t think what’s happening for me fits the "avoidance" pattern mentioned. I’ve been diagnosed with CPTSD and I’ve done a lot of work understanding how the neglect, violence, and other abuse in my childhood created many of my symptoms even before that diagnosis when working through therapy for what I thought was just depression -- flashbacks, emotional dysregulation, hypervigilance, etc. I can usually connect those reactions to specific events from my childhood.

But I have never linked my intimacy issues or sexual issues to my childhood before, and I think I should have. I always figured I was just asexual or low libido, but now I don't think I am. The feelings of humiliation, of freezing, of going along with sex even when I don’t want to -- those seem tied to a specific set of experiences with an adult who exposed himself to me and mocked my reaction and made me feel like I couldn't leave. I don't think he was totally normal. For one thing, I don't ever remember him doing this with my brothers around, or my mother. I don't think a totally normal adult goads a child into coming closer and looking at their genitals. I don't remember if other things happened but I do remember being afraid and feeling trapped.

I don't think I'm fixated on it because I think it was worse than the other things -- I am still working through and journaling my other experiences, which includes stuff I experienced directly and stuff I was only exposed to by proxy/hearing about it. I am trying to understand my sexual reactions and behaviour by taking it into account, though.

I remember this too. My dad loved to laugh at how embarassed I got. And that definitely felt like a trap. If I reacted to things he said or did, it felt like I was giving him what he wanted. If I didn't react, it felt like I was a part of what he said or did, like I wanted it.

I'm sorry you experienced that too. It really was a kind of trap -- adults know what they're doing when they say those things to kids.

Feeling stupid, small and powerless is not minor. I imagine, you also felt trapped? It's so easy to compare your experiences to others. there will pretty much always be someone who experienced worse. The thing is, your experiences, feelings and thoughts still matter. It's not a competition. What you have felt is real.

Thank you. I called NAPAC last week and said it out loud to them and it both felt stupid and validating. The lady I spoke to was nice; she said there isn't a hierarchy to trauma, and if it affects me like this it mattered. I wrote that down and have been trying to hold onto it. She pointed out that him acting so nice to me at first, being the first adult to live with me that felt kind after a childhood of neglect and violence, probably was just grooming and made the betrayal worse. It sucks to feel like no one could be nice to me just because I deserved nice adults around me. I was lucky that I liked my teachers in school, but it feels like them being nice was their job.