Feeling Like I've Messed Things Up

[Holdingontohope]

I feel like I've messed things up with T. I don't know if I can go back. I don't know what to do.

I finally emailed T and asked him if I could talk about my memories of the abuse with him. He responded and I thought things were okay, he seemed really supportive of it. But then I asked him how I should start and he said that upon thinking about it further he thought he should check with my emdr therapist to make sure it wouldn't interfere with that.

I instantly regreted asking to talk about the abuse. All the lessons I had been taught as a child that reinforced the rule that I could never talk about it came rushing into my mind. I feel so ashamed for wanting/needing to talk about the abuse. I feel like I broke a rule by asking and now T hates me. Now he knows how truely sick and depraved I am. How could I have been so stupid to send that email?

I know that's not what T meant at all, and he explained that even in another email, but I just can't get rid of these thoughts/feelings. I don't know if I can go back to meet with him now. I am so embarrassed and ashamed. What if he brings it up? (He most likely will.) I wish I could go back and never send that email. I wish I had never asked to talk about it. I am so confused right now and I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to throw away the therapeutic relationship I have with T, but I feel too embarrassed and ashamed to go back.

 

[scout86]

There are an awful lot of people here who've felt like that at some point. I think maybe it's part of the process. What I've found is that facing those fears and talking about them have really helped build that therapeutic relationship everyone talks about. I think things will be ok. Maybe not easy, but better because you work through this. If it turns out you're right, and this totally blows things apart and he actually thinks you're a terrible person because of this one little thing, then you've had the wrong therapist and that's a good thing to know, so you can fix it.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

I had a similar issue. With my therapist, we worked on a memory where my mom is telling me that no one will trust me if I tell. We processed it with EMDR to a Positive Cognition: It is OK to tell now. That helped. You can work on the memories where you were told not to tell anyone with your EMDR therapist.

 

[NightSky]

Sounds like he wants to make sure he's doing what's best for you. I'm sure because he cares. Those lies that are yelling at you to never tell are hurting you and holding you back. You took a really brave step forward. In it, you felt vulnerable, and his moment of hesitation (even though it was to ensure your safety through the process) probably left you feeling exposed. But you took a step forward, and he's there with you. The shame, triggered by asking him if you could talk, probably is the first layer that has to be peeled back anyway. And he can help you do that. I think you should keep reminding yourself that you are taking steps toward healing. Which you deserve.

 

[Friday]

What is the purpose of a rule?

That's what I ask myself before breaking them, on purpose.

What's the purpose of a red light? To keep people safe. So in the middle of the night, with no cars for miles, sitting at a red light, I'm there for no purpose except to be following the rule. Which I usually do. No harm in it. UNLESS? I have a kid having an asthma attack in the back seat. Then? I act like an ambulance. I clear the intersection, and I run the red light. Why? Because following that rule, and sitting for 4 minutes for no purpose except to be following a rule that isn't keeping anyone safe... Is stupid. In fact, following the letter of the law is breaking the spirit of the law. The purpose of the rule is to keep people safe, and a person is being actively harmed by that rule. The rule no makes no sense. That rule is now meant to be broken.

((In fact, I've been stopped by a cop for doing that. :D Which meant I not only did NOT get a ticket, but I got a lights and sirens escort to the hospital. Some rules? Should not be followed. Period. And some rules? Are worth the consequences for breaking them. If I had gotten a ticket? Worth every penny to get my son to the hospital.))

What is the purpose of the rule not to talk about your abuse? To keep your abusers from getting in trouble, to keep you being abused, to protect their image, to keep their victim under their control, etc.

Are those rules you should follow, do you think? Is it your responsibility to protect them? Is it in your best interest to be their victim? What makes sense about the rules of your childhood. As an adult. Which of those rules do you want to keep, and which of them do you want to burn?

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I'm sorry that you are having such a struggle, I went to my T for 5 years before I could tell him about the CSA. I just couldn't get the words out of my mouth. It felt SO wrong! It WAS wrong for us to have gone through what we did!

I don't know if it will help, but we are sooo NOT ALONE! The statistics on how MANY children have been through the things we have gone through are staggering! Some are actually stolen and SOLD!

I am pretty sure you are NOT the first person who your T has dealt with that has had this happen.

PLEASE do your best to hold your head up high, and congratulate yourself for being brave enough to ATTACK the feelings that cause such shame and guilt! It could be a key to "unlocking" some things that keep you from healing farther!

YOU DID NOT cause what happened, and you DESERVED to be treated MUCH BETTER. You should have been kept safe and happy! You deserve to be happy!

EMDR is an EXCELLENT way to treat deep trauma! It was and is a GREAT way to get to the deep hurts and learn to kind of "put the bad memories away". I don't know if I described that like I want to... EMDR is hard to explain.

I think you are braver than you think you are!
Maybe you could write down what you would like to say, but just can't get the words out? You could hand it to your T, saying that you can't get the words out yet. It will take time and courage, which I think you already are. You could ask your T to approach the subject a little at a time?

PLEASE don't give up, as it sounds like it is these thoughts and feelings are holding you back from deeper success with therapy.
You DESERVE happiness and healing!

Blessings to you!
AKJ

 

[Muttly]

I hope you find it in you to go back. what you are feeling is understandable given what you are dealing with. You took a very brave step (well, really many brave steps) and that has left you vulnerable. You did nothing wrong though and your therapist can help you work through what you are feeling about your relationship. I know that's hard, but if you've taken so many brave steps, do you really want to back track?

 

[Holdingontohope]

Thank you guys for your responses. I know that my therapist doesn't think I am terrible because of this. He tried to reassure me of that. I do think that he was just trying to do the right thing and was trying to concider my safety, but I do think that his hesitation left me feeling like I shouldn't have asked. I hadn't really thought about the rules I learned as a child in that way @Friday so I think it would be helpful for me to look at those rules more and ask myself those questions.

I really want to continue working with my T. I just don't know if I am brave enough to go back and face him now feeling like I feel. How do I push myself to go to my next appointment even though I am feeling ashamed and exposed?

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

How do I push myself to go to my next appointment even though I am feeling ashamed and exposed

You have already been very brave, @Holdingontohope, to break that terrible but deeply engrained childhood rule. One way to deal with those feelings that make you want to avoid therapy is to validate that your feelings are real and very painful, AND it's actually okay to feel them while reminding yourself that therapy is a safe place and your T is a safe and caring person (sounds like you already have a good relationship.) You are brave enough to take the risk to go back to therapy and talk to him about how you feel.

That said, there are different things you could do to prepare for the session: write down your hopes and fears; make a list of pros & cons about going versus not going back to t; email or call your T in between sessions to tell him how you feel and ask for some reassurance; keep reminding yourself that your fear/belief that you did something wrong by asking to talk about your memories is a cognitive distortion and not a true fact, etc.

You did NOTHING wrong by asking! Therapy is for you and it's OKAY to want to talk about it! Your T wanted to check in with your EMDR T first, and that probably makes sense, I imagine they want to make sure they're working together and not causing confusion or conflict by working with you on the same material. I know it took a lot of courage to even ask the question, and your T's hesitation triggered all those old messages. But the reality is that there is nothing wrong with wanting to talk about your memories; in fact, I think it speaks volumes about your courage, your readiness, and hopefully also the strength of the therapeutic alliance/relationship with your T.

Just as a point of comparison, after I was stable enough to consider doing heavy-duty, evidence-based trauma-focused work, my T and I talked about different therapeutic options. Since she's not trained in EMDR that would have meant a different T. My T consulted with the EMDR T (psychiatry department of my HMO) and we considered many options but for various reasons, it would mean I would have to delay my "regular" t while I was doing the EMDR. No way I could just have 2 therapists. I opted to stay with my original T, and we are now doing prolonged exposure (PE). I may do EMDR at another time, but I really trust my T and the work we are doing together.

So, the fact that you are simultaneously engaged in 2 different types of t with 2 different Ts is interesting to me, but the fact that your T wants to consult with your other T sounds perfectly reasonable ... and therefore says NOTHING about you, your question, your desire to speak out and share your burdens with a trusted T, or anything else.

I hope your two Ts recognize your vulnerability in asking this question, and that the 3 of you (you are part of your treatment team!) can come up with a good way to work together that meets your needs. Going back to t and talking about all this with your T will help him understand how important this is to you, and how much you feel is riding on the answer to your question.

Good luck, Hope. :hug: Hang in there and keep being brave despite the fear; you can do this!

 

[Suzetig]

How do I push myself to go to my next appointment even though I am feeling ashamed and exposed?

The simple answer to this is that you just go, like you always do. That shameful, exposed feeling is a normal part of what you've been through. It doesn't belong to you though, it rightly belongs to the person or people who hurt you.

Your T will have some idea of how hard it is for you to go back, you'd they accept emails from you between sessions you could even send an email saying you're finding it hard to even think about going back so they know in advance that you're anxious. When your trust in others has been as badly damaged as it has been for you, it's natural to think another trusted person will let you down or think less of you. Therapy is the place where you can be honest about your fears and have someone help you find a way through. Remember you don't need to go back and talk about anything you don't want to - it took me 6 months to say that I had been abused, and even then it was in very broad terms, and another 6 months for me to make any reference to it again. I knew somewhere inside that I just needed to keep turning up. Sometimes I had no idea what we were going to talk about, or whether I could even talk at all but just being there in that room together started to build a strong, safe relationship and over time I was able to say what I needed to.

A good T will get that you may not talk about the abuse for a long while, even though you've said you want to, but will make it as easy as possible for you to talk when you're ready. One of the most valuable, but hard to hear things for me throughout therapy is that, whatever I bring - and I've taken some really horrible stuff - my T considers me to be a person of worth. She's always glad to see me and is always consistent and welcoming to me.

Just go back, even if you feel like you can't look at him, will never speak again and want to hide under the chair, go back and let the relationship - a new experience of relationship - do it's work.

 

[EveHarrington]

You did nothing wrong. You have no reason to be ashamed.

Actually it's good this happened! It gives you a chance to challenge feelings of shame that were ingrained in you as a child.

:hug:

 

[eviama]

I feel like I've messed things up with T. I don't know if I can go back. I don't know what to...

Hi Holdingontohope, First, I think that you owe yourself an acknoweldgement for finding the courage to initiate the discussion with your t. And it sounds like T was affirming the importance of your proposal. Maybe e was just thinking about safety issues and which t setting would be safer for you to begin this work. It.Your tr voice told you that it was time to begin to work with the memories, For whatever reason, you didn't think about asking EMDR t, but rather your primary t. That seems important. It seems important for you to let T know how you feel now about the request It might be that both T's need to talk/email about this together. Chances are: good things will come out of the follow-up. Good luck. Eviama