Relationship Feeling Pretty Sad

[Lmm]

A couple months ago my vet who has PTSD suddenly out of the blue decided he was done because of stress (we're engaged and have a son). One day when we were figuring out the split I was being pretty cold with him; kind of cut him off like he'd been doing to me. It was what I needed to do to cope. He was very hurt, told me he wanted to do counseling and it was like everything was normal again. To make a long story short, we had some great days and some really bad days. I brought up getting married (been engaged 2 1/2 years) and he said he doesn't want to now. He says people have problems when they get married. I didn't take it well and we got in a huge fight. Two days later he tried to make up (as if nothing had happened) and I told him I had hit a brick wall and we would need to talk in counseling. We've had a rough year, he nit picks then can't talk about a solution so we have the same fights over and over. He said "I'm done" and walked away. Over nothing new, nothing we hadn't already talked about. Now he's mean, cold, makes it possible for me to do anything right in his eyes. To the point I feel like he's controlling me. Like I need to try so hard to figure out how he wants things done so he doesn't yell at me. I'm a strong person, but this makes me feel so controlled. I let him get away with it because I hope things will improve and that he's really struggling himself right now. He is normally a good person. Now I plan to move out because he is controlling, mean, doesn't want to do counseling. But it still hurts. This only started a couples months ago and came out of nowhere. Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I 'm sure he won't even bother to get me a card. So...I 'm feeling really sad right now. Not enjoying the ride I'm on.

 

[Sweetpea76]

((Hugs)) @Lmm

You're allowed to have your boundaries and breaking points too, even if you are the healthy one. It is OK to be hurt when somebody treats you poorly, even if they are the sick one. Your emotions are valid too.

 

[Neverthesame]

cut him off like he'd been doing to me. It was what I needed to do to cope. He was very hurt

Sucks when the shoe ends up on the other foot.

While people suffering PTSD are almost guaranteed to cause some emotional distress and frustration. It's also great that you want to support him through this very unpleasant disorder. But this does not mean that he gets to put all of his problems on your shoulders, while he sits around doing nothing about it.

When I am feeling like this, I isolate. Because it is likely that I will be a giant asshole for no good reason, at people that don't deserve it. It would be extremely ufair to the people in my life I care the most for. To periodically treat them like garbage because of an experience that has nothing to do with them. I have no right to abuse people.

He needs to go to therapy, this is a very thin line this guy is balancing on. His behaviours are huge red flags. Does something mean---I'm sorry never again---more mean stuff---I'm so sorry I'll never do again---And again---I'm so sorry I really mean it this time, never again.

I recommend staying somewhere else for a while, and if he doesn't get help, I would strongly suggest you leave, for good.

 

[Lmm]

I do plan to move out and he will then need to show me he wants to change and go to counseling, try to make things better. Then I guess I'll have to see if I trust things will stay better or not. Right now I feel like I'm a kid living at my parents house, that is if my parents were mean and controlling.

 

[Lmm]

Thanks for the replies : )