Feeling Sad And Abandoned

[Nicolette]

Yer you do... two of us only a 30 minute drive away, or a phone call if you want to chat, coffee, etc...

Correct!!! ((hugs))

 

[Nicolette]

I guess over time you begin to accept that all is not as it seemed. Until recently I thought my family was awesome, but it was all a lie. Subtle emotional abuse has been going on forever towards me and I didn't even know, I thought it was all normal. How sad to think that emotional abuse is normal and not to even see it. My brothers seem to be caught in the web of deceit, being controlled and held under his spell.

PB maybe it is time to work out and accept what you deserve in your life and what is dragging you down. If something is pulling you down you have to cut it off in order to survive otherwise all you have goes down with you as you try and hang on. Easier said than done I know.

I think your focus needs to be on now and try not to worry about your brothers and what they think.... this is your life and you have a chance to shine even if it means you have to reduce the family circle. You have beautiful children and are still there for them and I am sure they don't like seeing you ripped apart - let alone all those 6 year olds who adore you.

While family is a given - we hold such high expectations of it that it often lets us down as humans are involved and they are not perfect. What I learned is by letting go of what was eating me up and the things I couldn't control was that I could find peace within myself. And having a few less people in my life didn't make it worse. I have actually ended up with a much better circle of people around me by letting go of the toxicity.

I wish you strength to find the ability to let go of a society perceived duty and find your own happiness.

 

[purple butterfly]

Nicolette I know you are right, it just seems so hard at the moment.

He is obviously really toxic and dangerous for me. I think I was foolishly thinking because I hadn't spoken to him for awhile he would have less impact on me.
It makes me feel what is wrong with me that both my husband and father have emotionally and verbally abused me and even one of sons. I seem to have spent my whole life considering the needs of these men with nothing but hurt and pain in return.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Hi Purple Butterfly,

I am very sorry that you are experiencing such a stressful time. I do think that you are on the right track for discovering more mysteries about your PTSD. Bright and I are sending you warm thoughts.

Can you set up a little area in your home for your inner child? Maybe with a pillow, a comfortable blanket, some toys, and some books? Then you can be the nurturer and your inner child at the same time. Have your inner child go to a toy store or baby store and allow your inner child to pick out a few things. Don't be embarrassed about what your inner child chooses. Anything for comfort is good.

If your daughter would like a Deaf friend from the US/Europe let me know. Send me a private message and I'll give you my email to give to her.

Take care of yourself!

 

[purple butterfly]

Saw my T last night the enormity of our conversations was overwhelming.. I thought I remembered everything about our conversation, got home and can only remeber snippets, very frustrating!

 

[purple butterfly]

I keep having fleeting memories of the conversation with my T but am having difficulty holding the thoughts long enough to remember. He did say that the reason I have very few childhod memories is because it is my body's way of protecting me and we need to respect that. There is possibly too much trauma to cope with and I wouldn't be able to function if it came to the surface.

 

[purple butterfly]

I thought my coping strategy of forgetting was solely due to the topics i was discussing with my T , when I rang him yesterday he reminded me it was also the result of speaking to my father on the phone (for one minute!!).

So even though I had probably hoped I would be able to tolerate my father for family events, what Nicolette said was absolutely right, it is time to cut off from my father, not sure how that is going to finally be done, but I have accepted that needs to be done. I am not sure whether that is going to mean my brothers and their families as well. I guess time will tell.

 

[purple butterfly]

It is good to have a space that is safe to rant.

 

[purple butterfly]

Had a text from my brother yesterday asking me over for bbq. I was really pleased I thought at last he has contacted me. Then I get a msg saying he was going to ask my father. I thought "what the .... is going on?"
I just froze, my reaction was instant pounding heart, feast breathing, nausea....

I thought he got it, that my father is toxic for me, obviously not. When I told him I would have a quiet day at home this Christmas he just passed over it as though this was normal in our family.

My husband and father's birthday and the anniversary of my husband's death are in the next few weeks.
I feel like I am stuck and everything is a major effort, anxiety high, nausea, fast breathing .....
I know that I probably cannot see him again but no one else in my family seems to understand the severity of my reaction to him,.

 

[shadowchaser]

Butterfly

I'm trying to give you a hug hun and let you know there are people here who care but this dang lap top keeps getting in the way.

 

[purple butterfly]

I rang my father for his birthday. I had 4 glasses of wine before I did, thought all was ok, that I coped well. Then went to sleep at 5.30 pm and woke up at 6 am, I could have slept all day. By the time I got to my T 5 days later I was a mess....dissociating on and off . I had kept working and it was such a struggle.

Before I rang my father I had a discussion with my T about the ultimate aim for me was to be able to be in the same room as my father and not be affected by him. I was happy about this because I felt it meant I could be included in some family events. I didn't accept that this was a long time goal. As my T said later, by the time I can be in the same room and survive my father may well her dead.

I feel a bit foolish, again I tested myself, not accepting the toxic impact my father has on me. Wow !! I must be really dumb, how long is it going to take me to accept this situation.

My T said not to ever do anything that makes me feel like I need to have too many glasses of wine to cope. I guess this all about denial. I feel like a failure, like I should know better. I try and tell my self I have done nothing wrong, I have not hurt the people I am meant to love. But when my coping strategies go haywire I feel like the worst person in the world.

 

[Meadowsweet]

You are the very best person for yourself ((((butterfly))))