i'm in a really bad place right now, still a few weeks away from getting into therapy.
until then, i feel like im stuck with what ive been taught. i feel so lost, like id gladly go back to being abused if it meant i didnt have to figure any of this out on my own.
there's one thing that has really been on my mind lately: that im not really a person. that i'm a monster that needs to be controlled so i dont hurt anyone. i guess i just have such a low self-image, i still really believe this. and it's times like this that i just want my abuser back so i can be told what i am. so i dont have to be a person, and i dont have to worry about anything.
i feel like im going crazy. im out of control and i dont know what to do. im just... consumed by this destructive need to remind myself all these things that i find hard not to believe.
until then, i feel like im stuck with what ive been taught. i feel so lost, like id gladly go back to being abused if it meant i didnt have to figure any of this out on my own.
there's one thing that has really been on my mind lately: that im not really a person. that i'm a monster that needs to be controlled so i dont hurt anyone. i guess i just have such a low self-image, i still really believe this. and it's times like this that i just want my abuser back so i can be told what i am. so i dont have to be a person, and i dont have to worry about anything.
i feel like im going crazy. im out of control and i dont know what to do. im just... consumed by this destructive need to remind myself all these things that i find hard not to believe.
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