Feeling Useless, Pathetic, Like A Burden...

[Eternum]

This is a major one that, despite years of work, I've not been able to kick. An expression I heard growing up is, "It's like spittin' in the wind."

It's the feeling that, no matter what I do, it amounts to nothing. I spend a lot of time and energy in a community setting trying to be helpful or informative, online or off. I eventually wear out from a consistent response of:

- Being ignored
- Someone else saying the same thing better, faster, with less energy, and receiving the responses
- Occasionally running into people who negatively respond to my efforts
- Receiving no real benefit from voicing my information for others (I might as well be journaling)
- Feeling like I'm just in the way/blocking the people who are better at it

I often just walk away from things one day and never return, with the sense that no one will notice. I think it's this sense that over time, despite my best efforts, I don't seem to make any connections that make it worth it for me to keep trying.

I'm not threatening to do that now, at all. I realize this community is all about overcoming, and I feel this is a good opportunity to address this pre-emptively and try to overcome it.

I'm just wondering if anyone else goes through this? How do you deal with it?

 

[reallydown]

I go through this...or similar...all the time. Unfortunately, I have no words of wisdom. It's not so much being ignored (in my case)...but I do feel like a waste of oxygen etc. I feel like I can't contribute anything meaningful and I'm getting old and haven't done anything...And yes, a sense of futility and meaninglessness. Not sure how to deal with it though.

 

[Eternum]

I still appreciate you posted a response, @reallydown. It does tell me you get it, that sometimes just "you're not alone" can help.

The best thing I've found so far is to focus on something that makes me feel productive. Buuuut then it gets harder to justify leaving my project in my corner to go attempt to connect with people. :dead:

 

[ground crew]

The no use, no future fuc*it thing is a symptom of PTSD. So good for noticing that symptom. Yes, I got it, and just to make sure I get that it is useless and all will fail, I got laid off last month and am now going stir crazy thinking I will never get to be useful again. Then I will get a job, I will find a reason it is stupid, immoral or unwholesome and find a way to get fired or laid off or otherwise in the job search. reinforcing the uselessness of it all.

 

[Eternum]

Self-fulfilling prophecy? Gotta love it. :banghead:

Thanks though. I could never understand why I'd hit the "stupid, immoral, unwholesome" part and never be satisfied with a job. That was illuminating.

I wonder how much of that is PTSD. I know many people who can see the holes in our society the way it is. For example, it's become a highly specialized society when, biologically, we're still wired to utilize multiple skills for survival. Like, in the medieval era you couldn't get away with being that dude that makes a wicked horseshoe and that was it.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I'm just wondering if anyone else goes through this? How do you deal with it

I get really quiet, sink into my private little hole of reality, and just observe...watch the world go 'round. I wake up every morning and remind myself..."no connection...there's no connection...don't even let yourself hope for it or want it...but fake it for everyone else."

My T is convinced there's a way for me to eventually get past this, but I've spent over 40 years trying, and still don't feel connected to people (even though I'm married...kids...good job..."perfect" looking life...and still somehow I'm trapped inside this glass cage just watching everyone else live their lives). It's like...I only exist if I wear the right mask for everyone one...put on a good show. But I'm so tired. And lonely. And no one ever sees the real me, even when I try to bring it out.

So...I hear you.

 

[ground crew]

I think the stupid immoral unwholesome thing is a way of externalizing the internal unhappy I have. I don't drink and have had some impressive aversion therapy to women so they aren't a problem for me. It must be work. And here is why! (insert rationalization here!)

 

[Eternum]

I get really quiet, sink into my private little hole of reality, and just observe...watch the world...

This made something click for me. Now I have questions for you, @ground crew (lol, that sarcasm about rationalization), anyone who's been happening by this thread: is this part of the rift that divides the ignorant from those who have seen the worst of humanity? Is it that many (most?) want to be ignorant, so they pretend they don't see the pain in others? Or is it more that we're so permanently changed that there's no real frame of reference for the majority since most people aren't changed like that? Or is it that our own sense of connection needs to be repaired?

It's always been a bit of a shock when people take my current snapshot of my life and assume it's always been that way. Some people have actually gotten in my face to say I "don't know what it's like out there" without provocation on my part. (Like I didn't say anything ignorant to prompt that, they just assumed I would judge.) The next person that tells me that is getting an earful.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

No advice , just to say that I know that feeling and you're not alone :hug:

 

[DogwoodTree]

Is it that many (most?) want to be ignorant, so they pretend they don't see the pain in others? Or is it more that we're so permanently changed that there's no real frame of reference for the majority since most people aren't changed like that?

I don't think they can see it. They don't have a box for this kind of reality...it doesn't compute. It's like trying to explain an advanced engineering concept to someone who doesn't know the first thing about engineering...their minds just don't work that way.

Or is it that our own sense of connection needs to be repaired?

Is that even possible? I'm not so sure, especially for those of us who never really experienced healthy connection before...trained from the very beginning to disappear.

 

[ground crew]

When I was 5, my grandfather dropped dead. My brother was staying at our grandparents and saw it happen. We both lost someone dear, but saw it from different perspectives. We had vastly different experiences.

I am saying, we aren't better or worse. We are different in a predictable way than people who are not symptomatic. Our brains are changed, we are different. Because our symptoms are similar they can give our experience a name and treatment.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ya got me!

I walk away all the time. I get sick of being criticized for.....everything. I figure if people can't accept me for who I am, why do I want them in my life? I mean why change and be totally fake just to gain acceptance? Feeling like a sell out would be a fate a thousand times worse than being alone.