Sufferer Feelings Of Hopelessness.

[Broken Dave]

My name's Dave,

I don't know where else to start other than this is my first time on these forums. I'm new to these forums, I hope you're all kind and supportive; even if you're not I hope someone who has gone through what I've gone through will find my post therapeutic and let you know you're not alone.

I'm a military veteran. When I say this it's really easy to assume that I have combat PTSD, this is not the case.

I went through basic training in 2010 it was one of the best experiences of my life, I met some of the best people I will never forget.

After Basic Training I was sent to my first duty station. Almost immediately after getting to my first assigned unit I was subjected to hazing, I was the only new guy. The hazing started such as soldiers busting into my barracks room and giving me pink bellys when I was sleeping to getting smoked for entertainment. This happened on a daily basis for my first couple of months. No one was my friend I was scum. During work hours in the barracks soldiers kept on wrestling with me and holding me down and the hazing started turning of sexual nature where I would be held down and my face would be dry humped etc....

Eventually over the next two months things started escalating I got stuck in a barracks room with two soldiers I was held down things were much worse than usual my clothes got pulled over. I was assaulted with foreign objects, I fought back (making the assault worse) and I ended up being sodomized, the struggle only ended because in the assault I got hit in the ribs so hard one got fractured and couldn't breathe. If the two soldiers didn't think I was dying they might have not stopped. I was told if I told anyone they would get everyone against me.

I came forward about two weeks later after I started getting in trouble for my own broken rib.

 

[Broken Dave]

My chain of command did what they do and tried to keep everything "in house" I was moved only a mile up the road from where the assault happened. I spent the next two years avoiding common areas and familiar faces. I started to cope with alcohol and I learned about synthetic marijuana called "spice" I ended up getting arrested for possession of the spice. I got some help and that's when I found out whats been going on in my head isn't heathy

 

[Broken Dave]

I ended up being medically separated from the Army this past summer. I left thinking "okay, I'm getting away from uniforms and the military way of life, things will go back to normal"

Things are far from normal. I no longer have a relationship with just about all of my family. I have no romantic interests. It turns out that when I got in trouble for the "spice" it went on my criminal record so I can't get a job that does a background check :[ and there's already few jobs I would be comfortable doing/

 

[Broken Dave]

History of treatment:
2 months IN-Patient treatment.
3 months OUT-patient treatment
2 years counselling.

medications: zoloft, prasosin, propanderol, and ambien

 

[arfie]

Sorry for what brings you here, Dave, but glad you are here. Learning that I don't have to shoulder tis burden alone was a critical step in my own recovery. I carried my PTSD into the Army with me in 1973 and that is where I started my therapy in earnest. Our military experiences were vastly different, but I can believe with tragic ease that this happened to you and is having devastating affects on your life. Are you aware of the groups, including the VA, trying to raise support and awareness for victims of Military Sexual Trauma (MST)?

So or no, welcome to the forum, Dave. There is much healing companionship here.

 

[Broken Dave]

Arfie, Thanks for the response. I'm trying to work with the VA. I live in New Hampshire, the VA is very tiny here. the doctor i've been seeing deals with MST. she wants me to go to a group that they do on a weekly basis, she warned me that the entire group is all women and they might not feel comfortable with my going to the same group as them, and to be honest I don't feel comfortable going to a group with all women. I don't want to sound sexist but I think rape affects men differently than women. I am in no way trying to minimize the trauma for women its just different.

 

[arfie]

My Daddy was a bi-sexual pedophile. There is not a doubt in my mind that my brothers were affected much differently than my sisters and I were. My closest brother and I went for help together around 1968. I got help. My brother got profiled. Watching my beloved brother fold in on himself was painful beyond words. Still is.

Still...

I have only known one man to attend sexual recovery groups with me. He was treated with great respect and his unique-to-us perspectives provided a modicum of balance to the group. He never did get over the freak feel with us, though. I am a lady engineer. I never got past my freak feel, either. I grok it, even if I don't understand it. At least I was getting paid to be the "odd man out."

 

[Broken Dave]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I have followup appointment with the VA on December 24th. I'm trying to come up with options. I really want to do inpatient treatment again, but, at the facility I was at last time they specialized in combat ptsd and not MST. I have tricare I'm hoping something is available besides just VA hospitals

 

[only_ashes13]

Hey, NH! got relatives there. Lived there for awhile. It's not bad. Your story is touching and your experience of life right now seems similar to mine. I've never been in the military but I suppose it's all relative. I wish you the best possible. Never give up.

 

[EverOnly358]

@Broken Dave,

I'm so sorry you had to go through such awful experiences. So sorry. It's really good that you're getting help, though. And I think you'll really like the forum. There are a lot of supportive people here and a lot of great information, too.

Welcome to the forum!
D123

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

Hello Broken Dave and welcome to the forum!

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.