Feelings Of Insignificance.

[RussH]

One of the several long-term effects is feeling of insignificance. I was talking to my T about this several months ago, and she asked me what I meant. She said "I don't feel particularly significiant so how is it suppose to feel?" I couldn't give her an answer, but now I can.

I love to cook. And one thing I have learned is when you season a meal properly; ther person enjoying the meal will not notice the seasoning, only that the meal taste good. You only notice the seasoning, like salt, if it is either not enough, or too much. In this metaphor it is not enough.

So my sense of no self significance is more about noticing its absence and not its presence. And that is the best way I can explain it. Does the information help me? No but if I share it with my T, then perhaps it will help her help others. Just a thought.

 

[seedling]

You made me think:

Perhaps your feeling of insignificance comes from someone trying to make you feel that way to bolster a feeling of significance in themselves (out of insecurity etc). That would be like you having not enough salt and them having too much. Like them trying to take your salt to boost their own (which doesn't really work anyway but it seems like a common strategy).

When we are content and confident in ourselves we don't feel (like your therapist) particularly significant and don't feel the need to belittle others to gain more.

 

[Changing4Best]

I feel insignificant too, but then I am on Social Security (support for the aged in the USA) and so I feel insignificant due to not contributing to society presently. Even when I did work, it was at a really insignificant job, being the wife of a landlord. So, I was the landlady, but really, he did all the physical work. I was kind of the mother hen to some of the tenants, and they would come to visit and I would boil some water for tea and listen to their troubles or their adventures, or whatever was on their minds. Later, when we needed to raise the rents, they viewed us as enemies and even that stopped, no one wanted to be friendly anymore. Later yet we owned a motel and I listened to plenty of sob stories from "discarded dads" as I called them. They were being charged huge (to their thinking) sums for child support, meanwhile they could not see their kids because they had moved to our area in order to find work. Then there were the lonely construction workers, and so on. I was a good listener and sometimes would sympathize with them, sometimes I tried to point out how they might improve their situation. None the less, all that is over now. And I feel insignificant indeed. So I can relate. I suppose in the whole scheme of things, even what I did do was not much of anything.

So, what do we do about feeling insignificant? That is the question to ask here, I think.

 

[Changing4Best]

Perhaps your feeling of insignificance comes from someone trying to make you feel that way to bolster a feeling of significance in themselves (out of insecurity etc).

Certainly several folks have tried to make me feel as if I am to blame for their money woes, that collecting Social Security is some kind of crime for which they are paying. Others have said things like, "There won't even be any Social Security money left for me by the time I retire," as if somehow by my collecting it now, that I am stealing what should rightfully be theirs later on or something. The fact that I worked all my life, doing bookwork, listening to sob stories and so on has no value because I am not doing it NOW. Just some thoughts along the lines of what you have said here....

 

[seedling]

. I was a good listener and sometimes would sympathize with them

I think this is a huge contribution to society. He might have done the physical work but the emotional work was yours and was just as important.

As far as presently, I think anyone that is working on being a better person is to the good of society. It's not just all about making money.

I do understand the feeling though, I was a stay at home mom and just recently went back to work. I was amazed how much of a boost I felt when I started getting a paycheck again and could say "where I worked." It's hard to counter the feelings of insignificance when we're surrounded by messages about the importance of making money.

 

[seedling]

When I was first diagnosed with PTSD I realized that I couldn't collect Social Security Disability because I hadn't had a "real" job in 9 years. I didn't have enough "credit weeks" no matter how disabled I was to collect anything. It seemed to be assumed that since I hadn't worked I had someone to support me no matter what, even if I was planning to return to work in time but then couldn't because of a disability. I felt very very very insignificant.
Now I've been able to work again, but I am still the same person even if I seem more outwardly acceptable to societal norms; I try not to let my new-found "significance" sway me too much.

 

[Changing4Best]

@seedling Thanks I needed that. I do recall my husband somehow without actually saying so, making it seem as if he were the important one because he made the money. Also, I was an artist, and my work didn't sell hardly at all, so he used to say things like what was it worth, since it didn't bring in any bacon. Never mind that I was having a lot more success in terms of getting it into galleries at least, even though it wasn't selling. Many of my artist friends could not even do that.

 

[The Albatross]

I am actually pretty comfortable in my "insignificance" in my day to day life. I am calmer and more peaceful when I'm not under pressure or having performance anxiety. At some point I just decided that doing a job, day to day in a competent and capable way... responsibly and as best as I am able is good enough.

 

[RussH]

I guess for me, my sense of insignificance comes from the abuse I suffered. it was made very clear to me that if I were a peson of significance, then I would not be treated in the manner I was. But because I was worth nothing, it was ok to abuse me and make me feel like dog dirt. My sense of worth, my sense of significance was stripped from me and thrown on the garb mage heap. I guess I have lost my ability to feel worth. To continue in the metaphor I opened with they took my salt shaker, and now the recipe is missing something.

 

[The Albatross]

I think I would be wary of that connection however it may have felt that way. How does that belief best serve you now?

 

[RussH]

How does that belief best serve you now?

In some ways it helps me because I am better able to put the needs of others ahead of myself. As for a belief, it is the lesson I was given, and even most recently with my former employer. They certainly treated me as if I did not matter. The only friends I had were the ones at work, and of course my financial security was directly tied to my job, and they stripped both of them from me without batting an eye.
I was triggered by my co-workers, badly, and although they did not intend me harm, their behavior was extremely unprofessional, and yet they are still working and I lost my job.

I live with the understanding that I am insignificant, and like you I have become comfortable in that reality. It just really bites with others keep reminding you of the fact, and frankly it hurts very deeply.

 

[The Albatross]

Perceptually I would question that lesson. There is a difference between feeling "insignificant" and feeling and thinking all the stuff in your last post. You're T rates what up there with me when she stated then asked, "I don't feel particularly significiant so how is it suppose to feel?". I hope you'll be able to fill her in Russ and let her know you've been thinking about it.