Feels Like I'm Waging A War

[Bananie]

Whaaaaaaaaat just possessed me to actually give someone I've had a crush on my number???
Wow, ok
started that right after I did it, then got home, and shortly after got the notice of end of tenancy.
cool.
i'm shaking even though I was expecting it, and kinda had planned on moving anyway.
it's all happening
shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiz
At least I was already planning on going to bed early today since I have to be up at 3 for a work trip. sleep. end this day. start again tomorrow.
not that I wasn't expecting it, but I can't help but think this happened today because I gave myself permission to hate mom. I wasn't mean to her while visiting, I just wasn't very engaging.
i just suck
lollollol aw thanks universe, for the music.
living legends, never falling down, "I'm hella irresponsible, I'm possibly the cause
Of my subsequent downfall
Now a take a pause and reflect on my karma and laws"
yup. exactly.
time and time again i fail despite knowing better.
i managed myself once, right?
this is why i don't normally give my number to guys, or look for a relationship. because what DO i have to offer.
oh drama queen. but how nice that instead of the inner critic, holy chicken nuggets... a positive voice just protested all this!!
THAT'S new...
I am NOT a bad person. I don't even do really bad things. I try hard to do what's right. I'm not perfect. It's ok. What do I have to offer? intelligence, enthusiasm, humor....lots and lots of humor. lol.
change is hard, but i've survived a lot of stuff. THis is nothing! what's another move? it's good to move. you've been stagnant. and you get so planted that it takes extremes to get you to move. you should probably work on that, but not beat yourself up over it.
Why did I just switch from I to you?
Lol, I'm not necessarily looking forward to waking up so early tomorrow....but I am giggling over my alarm tone. I found a few years ago that it's almost impossible to wake up angry when you wake up to the Psych Theme song :)
Alright well. I'm back on my weird little think about it but don't think about it, distract, focus! Nope, actually this is pure distract distract distract, just don't think about it! argh this war within. I don't know what anything is right now. Or ever, probably. So....Imma color, I guess....

 

[Bananie]

well....that....was unexpected....
roomie still wants to be roomie, even if it's a different place.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know he considers us friends, even if I don't feel all that close, but I guess I do?
anyway...wow! wow!
ok, still have to find a place, but...wow!

 

[Bananie]

Ok. Ok ok.
If anything, maybe I've noticed a pattern....?
I remember and/or talk about a horrible thing....and then I go "out of it"/autopilot. and/or get sick. Lose time.
I guess that time is getting shorter? It was a week this time....and then when the fog starts to lift, oh do I hate myself. In the fog,I've started not caring that I'm in it. I think that's what has cut down the time. But then when it's like, ok, some part kicks in and I realize I have to care, or something? So not being able to function bothers me. Angers me. I'm restless, yet, I can't seem to do anything. Think anything. I should be packing. I should be figuring out work stuff, improving myself, not just sitting on the couch smoking. and eating. I can't even COLOR right now.
Watched some good documentaries though.
Well, documentaries were *on*, and some parts of them filtered through to me, and I appreciated what I did pick up.
Oh, maybe I'm not fully out of it.
HA! either way, I'm not fully out of "it", being either the fog, or, reality, I guess. Some weird ....well, not that it is, but "junkie limbo" from trainspotting just popped in.
I am a disgusting, lazy person.
WOW. Again. I couldn't even let myself go on with that. Holy crap! It's sticking! it's really sticking!! I just kept telling myself, after october 2015, when it finally really sunk in, that our cells listen to everything we think/tell them. So every time we tell them I'm sick, i'm this I'm that, I want to die, etc, they're listening. And they respond that way. So I stopped myself, first just anytime I started to say fml or I Want to die, I just kept saying to that no, I don't really. And now I can't even get the whole thing out. I can't say fml. Cause really, I know it's pretty awesome. It's knowing that that makes feeling bad feel worse, cause like, come on, compared to my first 20 years, these last 16 have been not that bad at all. Sure, heartbreaks, heart attack/death/surviving death, general craziness. But...I've never been truly cold/hungry/alone. So what, I'm not packing. Probably cause I've done this a million times already, yo. I know I'll get that shizz done. Ditto on literally everything. I get things done. Yes, I would like to get more done.
all things in time. I mean, yo, you went on a day off for orientation for microsoft certification. And finally bought office so you could practice, and who knows, in the future, it could be used, for your mofokin own business!! Right? And, did make it to the store to get some food in case there is a storm. Cleaned a little. It's ok. Things are just moving, shifting, shaking you up, cause you've become complacent, STUCK. New place. New routines. Ch ch ch ch changes, turn and face the strange. ch ch changes.
OK! So....now that I've rambled a bit....
now what.

 

[ladee]

Getting caught up. I love the way your words just flow. Whatever..lets just write I down.
Support.

 

[Bananie]

Thank you so much. it's really helped, I've had some a-ha moments when I just let it flow
Ha, and since everything reminds me of a song, that just got me singing "Weather Report Suite" by the Dead :)

 

[Bananie]

What a day.
Started off ok. I pepped myself up writing here last night, and woke up pretty peppy. Did a LITTLE cleaning. And was sort of organizing myself a bit. Or, preparing to organize.? I dunno, probably did nothing.
Then got a text from the crazy coworker apologizing. Which means the boss talked to her. And now I feel as if it's all been neatly turned over to be on me. Like, oh well, it's all out in the open now, and she apologized, soooooo get over it.
It kind of just made me madder. Not kind of. It made me madder. Then it made me laugh. It just seems like such a ridiculous situation. Or I'm being ridiculous. Maybe it's both.
so what do I do with it? my first reaction is, RUN! Just find a new job. I'm done here.
Then I spent 4 hours at calling hours for someone I'd never met, but was the partner of a friend of mine, and I know she is having a very hard time with it, and I'm really good in a crisis.
I don't know whether that is because I feel everything or because I feel nothing? Maybe especially in this case, since I didn't know the person who died, I could just focus everything on my friend, because I wasn't personally sad, just sad for her?
well, no, I'm always fine at funerals. Made it through dad's like a champ!
"shake hands with him, charm her, it's 1800 ladies, tell your husband Vote for Burr!"
I'm really good when I, or anyone is in the hospital. Model patient, and everyone gets a laugh!
wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww are my muscles tight. It took this to realize how much I must've actually "relaxed" lately. ohhhh the knots.
OK, calling hours freak me out! And I don't really remember dad's. Oh, random pieces. I'm still mad about having to roll my dad for his wallet when he was dead. Why didn't one of the people who are USED to dealing with death do that? Meh. Another thing to get over. If we don't let go of things, it's almost like self abuse.
I'm still mad at T for saying that.
Now I'm laughing hysterically about my list of I'm still mads.
Oh god. Instead laugh.
Smile though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
Ok. Well. Must press on. Obvs. Always do.
God, in some ways.... I really... well, I have a right to be f*cked up. No, that's not right. If I'm a little f*cked up...it's kinda, well....yeah, explanatory. I've been through some stuff, yo. I know, I know, everyone has. So that's why I don't like to use the excuse too often. But, as like, a back up. I still have to try my hardest, and I probably don't, but, I still have really good intentions.
What the hell are you babbling about Bananie?
I dunno. Just trying to figure it out.
What?
IT!
Anything, figure...anything out.
Actually, no, now I'm gonna stop trying to figure everything out, and just watch the rest of LIttle Women and be jealous of anyone who's ever met Christian Bale.

 

[Bananie]

On my way to my t! I'm not sure if I've ever been so like "omg thank God I'm going today!" as I am today. I'm dry heave anxious over the work situation and I can't wait to talk it over with an impartial outsider. I know he's kinda "on my side" but also will tell me if I'm being ridiculous.

 

[Bananie]

I've always been a much bigger fan of writing than typing but 1, journal is in the living room, I am not, 2, typing just seems so much easier when so much is going through my head. Work sitch has me all torn up. Anxious to the max, like I haven't felt in a looooooooong time. Yet, kind of a good thing becuase it's really making me think and feel and work through all the goddman angles and pushmyself. Ok. I said to t yesterday I think I scared my mom into behaving. And i've caught him kinda wording things delicately and then I think of coworker feeling like she had to explain herself and i'm like well shit, I don't want to be a bully. I seem all nice but i'm not? i feel nice, i try to be. not just nice, kind. friend finally pointed out there's a difference. I never really thought about that before then. Ugh even typing isn't keeping up. I'm not keeping up. I have an appt with an employee assistance program person today. I still have not talked to my boss. I know, things will work out damn my w key. really interesting session yesterday, want to process it, still so ensnared in ork. moving, friends partner doesnt really want me there. i suck. i have effed up most things, not true. i'm shaking things up. thats ffor the best. been stagnant. omg im so hyped up. ok. stop focusing on the freaking out. ok. the ball is kind of in my court. but it's not a hot potato. i can hold it. yo girl, you been through so so much. what's this? cakewalk.
"I didn't just spend a year working there and learning about advocacy and empowerment to not apply that knowledge."
"So your next step is based on how you want to behave, being true to yourself."
this morning after sleeping on it (and the past few days having the most interesting dreams I don't remember), I remembered something my boss said "you're a healer. you don't pull things apart"
Gah. it's true. Also, I haaaaaaaaaaaaate battles. people are telling me to go to the labor board, and someone asked are you prepared? Nope. Not at all. I fold. Everytime. I hate fighting. shiiiiiiiiiiiit my breathing is gettin growly.
ya know what? let it go for now bananie. one last piece of the puzzle with the eap person. see how it all fits. talk to boss. figure it out. you got this. damn i wish i was doing something with the nervous energy. productive, that is. ah,the thought just occurred to me, that i'm like a little kid who had a temper tantrum cause she didn't get her way and now im ready to slink back with my tail between my legs. well thats a mixed metaphor. unless i was a child with a tail. i wasn't though. that i know of. but i wont go digging for that secret. ok. good. time to get ready.

 

[Bananie]

Thought that just came to me. I just got too close to people where I work and I took a step back and said whoa, run from that. See what close gets you?

 

[Bananie]

how could I ever say anxiety is a good thing. Am I even anxious? Or am I numb. I don't know what I am. YES. I know I need a job. I need to job search. I need one now, because the thought of ever stepping foot in my "Current?" place of employment again throws me into full panic mode. It's made me sick. Maybe? Am I? I feel the pain I did when I bruised my ribs coughing. Luckily not as bad, and I haven't been coughing though. So... but it's not a muscle thing, I can tell.
Messed up my ankle walking to apply for a job. It's harder to tell myself. It's ok. Like, I know it's all ok and I know I suck, but that I don't really suck, blah blah blah. I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of me. I don't care if I've survived worse. I don't bloody care. I'm tired of doing that. Surviving.
luckily (?) my laziness/indecision/procrastination/effeverythingupness keeps me even from doing anything proacctively to end my life. Except for smoking. All about that slow motion suicide. But if someone theoretically walked into my house right now threatening death to me, I don't think I'd protest.
Goshdamnitalltohell, i probably would. Reflexively, Maybe I'd get lucky and they wouldn't even give me a choice, they'd just walk in and kill me. yes this an extreme reaction to a stupid temporary situation but there are so many goddamn stupid temporary situations that I always make into friggin gold and im TIRED. WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO FIX EVERYTHING ALWAYS??? I'm probably wrong and I fix nothing. I do nothing. I'm worthless and pointless. Overinflated POS. Nothing is anyone's fault but my own, and I don't ever fix myself, though I'm always the problem, but I thought I was fixing myself but never fast enough or the right way? whatever.

 

[Bananie]

LOL, I was coming in here to say something like, oh good, I'm "up" again, and the song "hello 12, hello 13, hello loooooooove" popped into my head, but also at the same time my mind was trying to fit "helllooooo mood swings" into that tune. While hamilton is playing.
Ok, Bananie, see, you can reach the depths of despair, and then pop back up and apply to a bunch of different places. And pray fervently that some miracle happens tomorrow. In whatever way I pray, which is, basically just thinking it, sending it out to the universe, my guides, whatever whoever is out there. Also, guides, universe, sorry for that blip earlier when I said I don't want to live, I was totally kidding about that. I wasn't at all, actually, but the moment has passed. Ok? Thanx. Oh wow, I just realized.... what was it I just realized? Balls.
ummmm. i guess basically that I have no control. Like, ok, I'm apologizing to the universe, which is like a throwback to my catholic days. But i've had enough experiences of "careful what you wish for" happen that I'm just trying to be super careful lol. Wishes have to be detailed yo. Oh wait. That throws off my thinking too. So I am afraid to wish to die, even briefly, because Im afraid a karmic force will immediately be like, oh so you want to die? Wellll, here you go!
oh shizz....even further....my body often responds with chest pain now, under extreme stress, not that that's not common to people, but, I used to have anxiety and panic attacks and think they were cardiac, until I actually had a heart attack, and it was completely different. But now anxiety hits, with those same symptoms, and I flashback to dying. Which....if I think about it, the day it happened...really, it was a little scary....and then, it wasn't. HA! I was sitting here thinking about it, death, like, no I'm not urging it, but, he, I've been there. Why be scared of it? But Hamilton floated into my ear and I thought, oh shit, could I listen to Hamilton in the beyond? I better stick around.

 

[Bananie]

just a few things to get out before packing, I swear it!
I'm totally gonna pack today. Well, no I'm gonna throw away today. And I'm going to stay up late. No that would be stupid, I have an interview tomorrow. Start the staying up late and doing random hours when you have to for the new job. you gotta roll with me bananie, roll with me bananie, roll it while the rollin is on
Ok visit with mom today. I was in a great mood still, so I was more cheerful than usual. But the sadness crept in after. That I'm leaving her alone. That I won't be back for a week or two. That I'm just not a good enough daughter. which then flows into an I'm not a good enough anything.
I've been trying to push it away, but I AM sad about leaving my job. Though I think I had to. It worked out too perfectly. I also WANT the job I'm interviewing for a LOT. Downside to that it's on two out of the 3 days t is in the office. I usually go on one of the days, every other week, so I'm hoping that I get the job, and that the final piece of the puzzle clicks in that he has spots open on the other day. But of course, I don't know if it's the depression, the ptsd, or just being realistic and noticing that it happens often, that like, oh this all goes great! But you have to sacrifice this thing for these things. I don't want to stop therapy.
Oh well, that bridge starts tomorrow. No need to worry right now.
At last session we were kinda working on an updated treatment plan, and I think T just had no idea what to do with me. I'm like, making progress, but not, and apparently too effed up for one group (trauma), but not effed up enough for the other one (dbt). Now I'm kinda thinking, take em both out, I don't need em. I'll grow gills and breathe like a fish.
I think I was grasping at straws with them. Well, no I wanted to try something more. More formality. I do a lot of work on my own, research, whatever. But, sometimes I want to be taught. Lol, job I want is also on a group day. Aw shucks.
With the dbt group, I dunno. I haven't looked much into it, but, it's funny, I watched "Hamilton's America" a month or so ago, and one of the parts that really struck me was Christopher Jackson and Daveed Diggs talking about playing characters that were slave owners. And they both said, like, we can't ignore these horrible things they did, they were in some ways, very very bad people....but they were also great people, who did amazing things. And that's kinda where you have to leave it. THey're both. And I used that example when a friend was saying she hated her sister, but also missed her. Then on tumblr I saw a dbt worksheet that was all about accepting that two opposing things could be true, and was like, oh, like in Hamilton! lol, see, if something is in a song, then I get it.
Now i'm wondering if this has made it a little safer for me to think about dad, to some part, cause, I've been thinking of him more. It was the anniversary of his death last week. I didn't really *think* about that, until after, and then I was like, hmmm, is this extra stressful time/job hop not necessarily be causing the stress but brought on by some part thinking about the anniversary? Meh,probably little from column a little from column b. As time goes on I miss dad more. Though as I was going through my desk earlier, I found an old notebook, and opened literally right to a page that was me bitching about being at my parents for a weekend after moving out, and having to sleep in the living room cause dad had taken my room, but he wasn't going to bed, and I wasn't going to fall asleep with him in the room. But I think he would appreciate how I got this job. I wonder what else he would think of me? lol, I don't think I could do anything wrong in his eyes. oh wow. I've said mom didn't parent me, and I had nana til she died, but it was dad. I was always with dad. Til I remembered. Lol, I never really put the two together, but that's when I quit basketball, too.
Awww and I had my sister, too. I love my sister. :) :) :) (I just found a pic of us, I am looking up at her with absolute adoration)
Wow, super emotional, but in an ok way.
Sigh. Having one of those dilemmas. Guy I love wants to come over. lucky i don't love him like that any more, or I do, but it's never mattered. But it should be telling that as I'm like oh i'm emotional so he shouldn't be here. cause he won't want to see that. I'll have to be all chipper n shit. But like he usually cheers me up, so, should I just go with it? no I just don't even want to. Oh lol and it's not even for like a hookup. It's so he can dress up as a woman. Another weird parallel to dad.
Meh, I have to go pack