Fiance Has Ptsd...emotionally Disconnected

[nic83]

I met him about 9 months ago. Things were amazing. Things moved quickly which is very unlike me. We moved in together and he proposed after 7 months. About two weeks after we got engaged, he started going out every other night without me. He would drink with co-workers including females, which he knows I don't think is a respectable thing to do. He comes home drunk, we fight, then he goes to bed while I'm unable to sleep all night. He's become a pathological liar. I never know what to believe anymore. I have cried hysterically that I want "us" back. He apologizes, says he understands, then goes back out the next night. He's gone to counseling 2-3 times when he should be going weekly. I found a therapist close to home that he is willing to go too. I'm praying for a miracle. I'Ve stopped being excited about our engagement and have no interest in planning a wedding. I feel so lonely all the time. He has made work his #1 priority. "Always a soldier" I suppose. I'm so in love with him and want him to get back on the right path. When he met, he hadn't had a drknk in 6 months and was into religion. Now, he's into drinking and I can get him to go to church once in a blue moon. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to give up yet. He said everyone has given up on him

 

[Anarchy]

Hi Nic,
welcome to the forum.

Please do not loose yourself in this. It is important to know what you can control and change in this (you and your own situation) and what you cannot change or control (him or any one else).

PTSD is not an excuse for him using you as his housekeeper, door mat and verbal punch bag.

Is there an Al Anon group that you can go to in order to find support while you assess your position and your own way forward? He is displaying compulsive behaviours (work and drink) and you are the one who is currently suffering as a consequence of his irresponsibility.

There's a short write up which gets passed around between Al Anon members, It might give you some idea of whether it is a way forward for you:

Detachment is neither kind nor unkind.

It does not imply judgement or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. Separating ourselves from the adverse effects of another person’s alcoholism can be a means of detaching: this does not necessarily require physical separation.


Detachment can help us look at our situations realistically and objectively. Alcoholism is a family disease. Living with the effects of someone else’s drinking is too devastating for most people to bear without help.


In Al-Anon we learn nothing we say or do can cause or stop someone else’s drinking.


We are not responsible for another person’s disease or recovery from it. Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession with another’s behaviour and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves. We can still love the person without liking the behavior.




IN AL-ANON WE LEARN:


• Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people


• Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of another’s recovery


• Not to do for others what they can do for themselves


• Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink, or behave as we see fit


• Not to cover up for another’s mistakes or misdeeds


• Not to create a crisis


• Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events By learning to focus on ourselves, our attitudes and well-being improve. We allow the alcoholics in our lives to experience the consequences of their own actions.

 

[shimmerz]

I don't want to give up yet. He said everyone has given up on him

To me this is a manipulative tactic. He has changed the game completely on you. He is asking you to give up on him, not in words but in actions. If he has you in tears, frustrated, bending, twisting and pleading and still walks out the door every night knowing the state it puts you into, that is a game changer. You aren't giving up on him. You are drawing boundaries.

 

[lexana]

What you are describing has notes of potential covert* narcissism, obviously potential alcoholism, and abuse. NOT just PTSD. I've been in your shoes before. My strongest advice: call off the engagement. He lured you in by pretending to be whoever he through you wanted (severe manipulation) and now that you are "locked in" he is revealing his true self. Unfortunately the human brain cannot see things as clearly while falling in love, and this is why your experience matches the classic step-by-step tactic of abusers and narcissists (all of whom are abusers). You may be emotionally enmeshed, which is dangerous for your mental health and self-esteem, and I would bet that your self esteem has ben wounded even in a relatively short time that his negative behaviors have taken over. You may or may not be dealing with a phony man, but at the very least you are dealing with a person who is not safe for anyone* to marry. He is not emotionally healthy for any real* relationship. Save yourself first. You can suggest to him that he go get serious counseling and that he stick to it for a very extended period of time. But you need to understand and internalize that none of that has anything to do with you and you can't control anything about this guy. You need to detach and get away. The speed in which all of this is occurring in and of itself is a classic red flag. Get yourself some space, and if you can afford to, order some books on Amazon about manipulative men and emotionally unavailable men, and I promise you will see your experience in those pages.