Fight Last Night

[Michel]

Both pregnancy and PTSD make women vulnerable and dependent. Maybe it is vulnerability and dependence that makes men who are potentially abusive actually abusive?

You mentioned possibly going together to therapy again. I wonder whether it would be better for you both to seek individual therapy for now. You might explore that very question with a therapist. Are you in therapy now?

Nobody knows better than I do the problem of being in the dangerous person's home, with no place else to go. If that plays a significant role in your reasoning, I understand but don't let this reality alter your perception of what he has done, whether he is responsible for what he has done, and what would be best for you. Face the practical problems after you've sorted out what has happened, what is happening, what might happen, and what you want to happen.

 

[Michel]

After writing my last post, I returned to the "forum" and discovered these two new posts - so I now see you do have a therapist. Good.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Tess,

From my experiences, what I mean is when a person is out of control- whether it be steroids, alcohol (or neither), it can/ often does escalate to such a rage that you are not in a position of "telling them" anything, nor to be able to rely on others being able to control them (except for the police). You may be wholly rational, they likely won't be at all.

They say it is hard to see abusive behaviour for what it is because it is taken within the context of the whole relationship (i.e. 12 years) and not the reality of the day, the escalation is missed, there's always a hope of "returning to normal".

I think with ptsd we have a tendency to expect anything and everything that goes wrong must be because of "us", that "we" are high maintenance. But another's actions are their actions, and also this is not always the case. No one "does" anything to justify abuse, though you may recognize it by hearing and "feeling" that you are the cause of everything "wrong". Would you abuse someone because you didn't like what they said or did, -I doubt it. It's about power and control, and as long as you think it's "your fault" the other person can control you.

Keep yourself safe, and reach out to as many resources as you can, so that if you need help it will be there. If not- great. But now, when you are not in the middle of a crisis, is a lot easier to do.

-Hugs to you.-

 

[Tess_Durbeyfield]

It can be hard to see. It wasn't until I was 24 that I realized I had been abused as a child. Until then I had totally minimized it and denied it, internalized the shame of what was done to me as my fault. I am totally aware of that trap. But I know I have said some mean and abusive things to him too. Two wrongs don't make a right, I know. It's complicated. I have PTSD and it makes me mean sometimes, defensive, over-protective of myself. I see monsters in every shadow, an insult in every careless word. I don't do it on purpose, but I am sure it hurts him just the same. And he lashes out. Neither of us deserve it. Our relationship was very peaceful until last winter. PTSD is like having an instigator in the room just trying to start a fight all the time.

Does it mean our relationship is now unhealthy and beyond salvation? I certainly hope not. I think we both need help finding constructive ways to deal and to heal. I hope we have not gotten so deep into a bad pattern now that we cannot dig ourselves out. I do not believe we have. It would be easy for me to play the victim in this situation. It would be easy to blame him for my disorder even, since it started after my pregnancy, but the reality is that we have both done and said things in a less than saintly manner. We just gotta find a way to stop doing that, to heal instead of hurt each other.

I'm going to call my therapist first thing Monday morning. I think I might go see her on my own once before I try to get us both back in to see her.