I had an appointment in November 2009 with my psychologist and she gave me a link, that if I get close to people I fear I will get manipulated hur.. When she said this I cried quite a bit. Because when I get a link, it lets some memories start to pass over into my conscious memory. Well since this appointment, I've been through a watermill, I've gotten memories back every 4 days.I have gone through a few personality moods. I have felt like my personality was changing and turning inside out which is a bad form of dissociation. I have banged my head on walls to get rid of the pain I felt inside of me.
Well at the end of getting a memory back I usually have a big cry. Now most of of other memories have taken one month or two to get to the big cry. This one had about 150-200 memories and didn't know what would happen at the end. It took 1 and a half years to process:eek:
I went to church that day for the first time in 10 years, I felt like I was starting to trust sincere love and getting close to people and support again. It is the 29 May 2011.
I got home, and in the afternoon, I was near my dishwasher and I collapsed. I could hardly move as all my arms were weak. I got up and went into the lougeroom and sat down and I just sought of collaped again and my heart cried out. I remembered my most painful memory, my mum getting close to me and then abandoning me when I was 21. I waited for her for a year in my house and waited and waited and waited, and decided she just wanted me to die. My husband came into the room, he hugged me while I cried my heart out great sobbing cries. When my mother abandoned the pain goes right into my soul and broke it into pieces. It reminded me of the time that my dad got emotionally close to me when I was 5 formed an attachment and then sexually molestered me.
Now I've had the big cry no more new memories and I get to have a holiday from the pain in brain:). My spirit is a little bit more back together. I am having a holiday from love abandonment after 12 years of lifetime of painful flashbacks about abandonment. My psycholgist said this one was below my working problem. No more working problem anymore:)
Well at the end of getting a memory back I usually have a big cry. Now most of of other memories have taken one month or two to get to the big cry. This one had about 150-200 memories and didn't know what would happen at the end. It took 1 and a half years to process:eek:
I went to church that day for the first time in 10 years, I felt like I was starting to trust sincere love and getting close to people and support again. It is the 29 May 2011.
I got home, and in the afternoon, I was near my dishwasher and I collapsed. I could hardly move as all my arms were weak. I got up and went into the lougeroom and sat down and I just sought of collaped again and my heart cried out. I remembered my most painful memory, my mum getting close to me and then abandoning me when I was 21. I waited for her for a year in my house and waited and waited and waited, and decided she just wanted me to die. My husband came into the room, he hugged me while I cried my heart out great sobbing cries. When my mother abandoned the pain goes right into my soul and broke it into pieces. It reminded me of the time that my dad got emotionally close to me when I was 5 formed an attachment and then sexually molestered me.
Now I've had the big cry no more new memories and I get to have a holiday from the pain in brain:). My spirit is a little bit more back together. I am having a holiday from love abandonment after 12 years of lifetime of painful flashbacks about abandonment. My psycholgist said this one was below my working problem. No more working problem anymore:)
