Finally Divorce, Or The First Step In That Direction...and Why Is It Bothering Me?

[CabraVerde]

Thank You, Marie E.
I believe the underlying issue here, what is truly bothering me, is that he is out to kill me.
Why else would he send that previous text message, 'you may not have so many minutes left too...'

A sadistic narcissist!
I don't know how he can do that from Mexico, but with his nefarious connections...who knows? I walked to WM yesterday, and this SUV pulled up behind me, and I just had that feeling. I thought initially that they were waiting for me to cross the parking area in front of them, but they still sat there even afterwards...and just sat there, watching me. There were Latino people in that vehicle. How? I don't know. I could be just paranoid.

 

[CabraVerde]

His win...is ridding me from the planet. He's tried it before, he's trying it now, and he's threatened me again with the same thing. If he can't have me, then nobody will. I'm just surprised that he thinks that he can still do it from Mexico, but again, his nefarious connections. I will have to watch my back, each and every day now.

 

[Marie E.]

(((CV!!))) It must be hard with him in Mexico, is there a way to get protection for you? Maybe you can save the message and show it to the cops. Hmm well, you did say he was deported. I wish I could think of something to make you atleast feel safe!! Domestic Violence is no joke! I've been there, still dealing with the pain.

Well about the possibility of you being paranoid, it is better to look out for yourself. I would be scared too!!

 

[Marie E.]

Is there anybody you can be around, that makes you feel safer? Maybe talk to a shelter at least? A hotline. I know it isn't much, I don't know what could help.

 

[CabraVerde]

He did finally respond text me on the truth issues (Sunday morning), admitted that he had tried to rape and kill me in the past. No confirmations of dates or times, but yes, he did admit that...with the following: "if I come back again then I don't intend for ICE to take me away for the same reasons as before." My lawyer says that he can help me with the paperwork, but the manipulation is all in my court. I'm not really good at manipulating, no matter what people might think.

I really don't know. Negotiating with a devil is not my forte, although I wish that it was. Like they all say, it's not really money that he wants, but my demise...because it's five hours later, and he hasn't decided a response.

 

[CabraVerde]

Thank YOU, Marie E!

I don't know anymore. I don't believe that God has brought me this far to die, so I take my faith in this moment.

With normal people, it would be so much easier. Eduardo was sexually abused too, as a child, and I try to look outside, and see how his need to hold on to me is about his own issues. I was like a mother for him. Typically co-dependent crap with survivors...I was the person who he needed, and still needs. At some point however, I need to be myself too.

The lawyer asked me this afternoon if I still love him (my husband), and I just started bawling (crying). I can't really answer that question. I know what it's like to be sexually abused, left alone, etc., and in a weird way, I do understand my husband.
How do I explain that?
I know what it feels to be left alone and abandoned. I had always promised my husband that I wouldn't abandon him, because I know what that means for us. So, maybe I am wrong.
Yes, maybe I am wrong.

 

[CabraVerde]

Sometimes we have to look inside of ourselves, ask ourselves, 'why?'

I do understand the killing bit, a bit.

I do love him. His whole family watched his older brother be dragged to death by horses, and then the pedophile moved in. We have talked about this. His mother was devastated, and she wasn't able to protect her own children from the pedophile...her own operating depression.

I am his only supporting long term person, as he is mine.

I can't really talk about all of it, because yes, I know that he's tried to kill me, but it's complicated.

 

[CabraVerde]

Two PTSD people together? He told me about a large portion of it before, but we had communication issues. His younger brothers were subjected to the sexual abuse with the pedophile as well, and Eduardo always felt guilty about that, but never really did anything.
Honestly, yes, I do love him. He acts bad, tries to emotionally manipulate me, but he really wants to evoke my emotional response. Where was his mother when he was being sexually abused? Where was his mother when he and his brothers were being sexually abused?

 

[Marie E.]

Well, the way I see it, is that you need to look out for yourself. If you were to accept him back, where would that leave you? Would he change? We can't change a person, we can only change ourselves.

Not saying that it is wrong to love him as well. You need to keep respect for yourself.

 

[CabraVerde]

I think/believe, with PTSD people, you have to live up to your promises/obligations, and if I say that I am not going to abandon him (because I know how that feels for me), then I have to live up to my promises. And I do love him. I will probably lose everything with this, but somehow, in some weird way, I know that we will find each other through it all. It's just very difficult with fellow PTSDs.

 

[Marie E.]

I am not judging you for anything. It is fully up to you and your choice. I refuse to look down on you. I have been in your situation and I will not push you. All I can do is be there for you. I would like to say I respect what ever choice you make. *Hugs*

 

[Marie E.]

I hope I don't sound too bad and I know that we don't know each other well. But, regardless of absolutely anything, I am here for you :)