Hi,
I'm Kefira and I've been lurking for a while trying to get up the nerve to be involved here.
I am 23 and suffer from PTSD, anxiety, depression, self harm and suicidal ideation. Things have been really tough for me lately, and with a very limited support network and my therapy situation in flux I finally took the leap to try to find some extra support and camaraderie here.
I'm an only child of parents in an ongoing abusive relationship (my mother has been emotionally abusing my father for almost their entire marriage). Growing up in my household was not particularly helpful for my emotional health or feelings of safety. I was raped when I was 14 by a 17 year old, J, who went to my school. He was a jock and in the drumline and I was the drum major/involved in all things musical and artistic. Because of the overlap when it finally came out at school months later everyone drew sides and most chose his. I was, before this, the victim of ongoing verbal and physical bullying since elementary school, mostly by jocks and the ultra popular kids, so all of that only got worse as high school progressed. My at risk counselor once I started cutting also had me forcibly committed despite lack of suicidal intent to "teach me a lesson" and threatened to have me removed by child services when I missed a lot of school days because I couldn't stand the terror of seeing my rapist in the hallway or being shoved into lockers or manhandled by his friends.
Shortly after I reported him and charges were dropped based on lack of evidence because I was too terrified to tell anyone for 2 months I was approached by a friend of his, M, who went to a different school. I didn't know they knew each other and didn't know until later that they had a history of M picking out a girl, J raping her, and then M who would know all the details of the initial assault keeping her in a semi brain washed state. I was with M for almost a year under the pretext of protection from everyone else while he and sometimes others beat and raped me. Finally after a particularly nasty incident I left, but I seriously feared for my life while I still lived in the area to the point that I dropped out of college and for a short time battled full out agoraphobia. My best friend kept me alive by leaving groceries outside my door when I wouldn't let her in.
I moved to a different state 5 years ago, about a month after J died in a confrontation with police and began healing, although I was still in an abusive situation. I have had a string of partners who begin sweet but end up using my symptoms to take advantage of me or become neglectful out of avoidance of me or fear of rejection, ect.
Most recently I have been able to begin to come to terms with the fact that I was possibly drugged by a friend about a year and a half ago and raped. Getting rid of some of the denial of this event has, of course, triggered all of my symptoms again.
Now I am trying to move away from my dead end job a bit to pursue more rewarding things. I have a degree in music composition, am a Reiki healer/teacher, and am pursing yoga teaching certification as well as ordination, both planned over the course of the next two years. I'm also a vegetarian and cook and bake a lot. I hope to move soon to a place I will be able to stay for longer than normal where I will be able to garden. I also have two pet sugar gliders, who help to keep me company, particularly when things are worst at night since they're just waking up and looking to be fed and played with.
I'm Kefira and I've been lurking for a while trying to get up the nerve to be involved here.
I am 23 and suffer from PTSD, anxiety, depression, self harm and suicidal ideation. Things have been really tough for me lately, and with a very limited support network and my therapy situation in flux I finally took the leap to try to find some extra support and camaraderie here.
I'm an only child of parents in an ongoing abusive relationship (my mother has been emotionally abusing my father for almost their entire marriage). Growing up in my household was not particularly helpful for my emotional health or feelings of safety. I was raped when I was 14 by a 17 year old, J, who went to my school. He was a jock and in the drumline and I was the drum major/involved in all things musical and artistic. Because of the overlap when it finally came out at school months later everyone drew sides and most chose his. I was, before this, the victim of ongoing verbal and physical bullying since elementary school, mostly by jocks and the ultra popular kids, so all of that only got worse as high school progressed. My at risk counselor once I started cutting also had me forcibly committed despite lack of suicidal intent to "teach me a lesson" and threatened to have me removed by child services when I missed a lot of school days because I couldn't stand the terror of seeing my rapist in the hallway or being shoved into lockers or manhandled by his friends.
Shortly after I reported him and charges were dropped based on lack of evidence because I was too terrified to tell anyone for 2 months I was approached by a friend of his, M, who went to a different school. I didn't know they knew each other and didn't know until later that they had a history of M picking out a girl, J raping her, and then M who would know all the details of the initial assault keeping her in a semi brain washed state. I was with M for almost a year under the pretext of protection from everyone else while he and sometimes others beat and raped me. Finally after a particularly nasty incident I left, but I seriously feared for my life while I still lived in the area to the point that I dropped out of college and for a short time battled full out agoraphobia. My best friend kept me alive by leaving groceries outside my door when I wouldn't let her in.
I moved to a different state 5 years ago, about a month after J died in a confrontation with police and began healing, although I was still in an abusive situation. I have had a string of partners who begin sweet but end up using my symptoms to take advantage of me or become neglectful out of avoidance of me or fear of rejection, ect.
Most recently I have been able to begin to come to terms with the fact that I was possibly drugged by a friend about a year and a half ago and raped. Getting rid of some of the denial of this event has, of course, triggered all of my symptoms again.
Now I am trying to move away from my dead end job a bit to pursue more rewarding things. I have a degree in music composition, am a Reiki healer/teacher, and am pursing yoga teaching certification as well as ordination, both planned over the course of the next two years. I'm also a vegetarian and cook and bake a lot. I hope to move soon to a place I will be able to stay for longer than normal where I will be able to garden. I also have two pet sugar gliders, who help to keep me company, particularly when things are worst at night since they're just waking up and looking to be fed and played with.
