Financial abuse

[Deleted member 29920]

He seems like the nicest guy in the world

That's a classic sign too, they always are so charming and lovely to the outside world, aren't they? Mines definitely was and no one would have suspected how controlling she was towards me. Things were not bad the whole time, in fact we spent many happy times together, it's so confusing. It was 13 and a half years we were together and I now see she was actually abusive right from the start but it was covert. It's still tough, I have been left with a few thousand pounds worth of debt thanks to my ex. But I have my freedom now, I'm alive and I am not on eggshells wondering when the next yelling match will start again. I still have to find a new place where she can't find me again but I will get there. It's very odd at first but it's also a great feeling to know you can't be controlled anymore. I think you would feel so much better to get him out of your life and really hope you can do it and get your life back and be happy again.

 

[EveHarrington]

The “nice” ones are the worst!

I recently wrote a thread about how I can’t handle “nice” people as my abuser was a “nice” guy.

It really f*cks with you cuz then you can’t accept love from those who are genuinely nice and not just surface facade nice.

 

[mamachick]

I agree Eve. It also can make you question your reality and blame yourself for feelings that are quite normal.

 

[mamachick]

After my initial post Monday night I did not sleep all night. At 6:30 am I got up and started cleaning and moving furniture and decorating. I had to take Adderoll in order to do these things because I have neither the strength or energy. Before he left for work, we had words but he eventually said he would write me a check that night. After 8-9 hrs work, I showered and went to dinner with friends which was great. He was in bed when I got home so I didn't really see him then or in the morning. I intended to take adderoll Wednesday and do more work, however, I could barely get up to go to the bathroom. My dr. took me off adderoll almost 2 yrs ago because of extreme weight loss and anxiety. I didn't do it wednesday because even though it might have given me the wakefulness and strength, my muscles were a mess. I even missed my wednesday group. When he came home, I asked him if he left a check somewhere that I did not see. He said he didn't write it yet. I let it go because of being in so much pain.

Thursday morning (today) I saw him before work and asked him where my check is. He got mad and shouted a bunch of stuff after trying to argue and back track about what he said Tuesday morning. His words were manipulating. I said that I could hardly walk after all this cleaning and even though he is on vacation next week, not once did he say that he would help me nor does he ever offer. He said that now he doesn't have any money for christmas presents. Again, he uses a credit card for everything (gas, groceries, gifts, etc). His words make me feel so bad about myself, for not being able to have my own real income. I go back and forth in my head. I blame myself, then I see his manipulations. Its like an argument going on in my head. I have just sat with my feelings. This afternoon he sent me a text "Sorry about the confusion this morning. And I was thinking to tell you to hold off with the decorating and cleaning until I can help you this weekend"

If I nag he will eventually agree to help with some housework or in this case money, or anything else. But he does not follow through unless I really nag. I don't like who I have become. Will someone please tell me what you think, is he manipulating me? Is it unreasonable for me to want to have some padding in my checking account when we live in an expensive house that we do not need and we have 7 bedrooms and 5 bathroom. (which I don't want) but he won't sell...or clean. I am really in desperate need of reality check here.

 

[shimmerz]

This....

He really doesn't threaten me....he just passively controls everything.

.... to me, is in direct conflict with this.

Once we had a fight and he knocked me down the steps in 2015.

but when they left, he slapped me across the face

Is it perhaps possible that he doesn't threaten you because you have learned what your limits are with him. I mean, this is violence. He is violent towards you. For having girlfriends over.....

Language gets funny when domestic violence is involved. There are minimizing words and softening of concepts I think that help those of us who have been physically abused that keep us stuck.

On top of that, you probably have this internalized concept of what you can and cannot do before he gets physical with you, that most likely you are living in a gilded cage in your mind. Because you know. He has physically abused you for having friends over to your house. Hardly a cardinal sin.

Is it unreasonable for me to want to have some padding in my checking account when we live in an expensive house that we do not need and we have 7 bedrooms and 5 bathroom. (which I don't want) but he won't sell...or clean. I am really in desperate need of reality check here.

This part of the posting hit me like a Mack truck. I lived your life. It was horrifying. 10 years later I am still reeling. It so hurts my heart that you are in this position. When I got unstuck is when I went to the local woman's outreach (to look for a lawyer) and was asked to come in every week. I was perplexed. Why? Because she noticed I was using softening language to describe what had become a shit show of a life. Just be prepared, because as I learned to apply appropriate language for incidents that were things I had become accustomed to, but which were incredibly abusive, it didn't take long before I pushed things that he considered 'non negotiable'. It worked out much better for him than it did for me.

Oh, and so far as the lawyer is concerned, is there a 'legal aid' where you are? If so, I would apply for that ASAP. You will definitely need a lawyer. I was stuck on that one too because my b-i-l was a lawyer in the relatively small town that I lived in and I was terrified that I would pick a 'friend of his' lawyer. I was frozen in that lawyer decision for long enough that my ex was able to stockpile the ammunition for a bloody and violent battle. I suggest that you not let on anything that you are doing. No threats. No hints that you think it might be over. Nothing. Everything should look fine as far as he is concerned until you plan on making a move.

Will someone please tell me what you think, is he manipulating me?

Nope. He is abusing you. Full on - no holds barred - domestic violence. Which is why I suggested a woman's outreach. I believe if you push this man at all that you will be in danger. As a matter of fact, I think you are in danger right now, but have learned to restrict what you do so he doesn't hurt you. I suggest that you have set up a false sense of safety within your mind. Thinking that you are in control when actually you aren't at all. The woman's outreach will be able to supply you with agencies, information, resources, that can help keep you safe in transition, if that is what you determine is best for you.

I am sorry this is happening to you. It is a situation that for me, was beyond words. I imagine for you it is close to the same. Please keep coming here and posting. He will continue to try to keep you ungrounded. We can help keep you sane. Oh, and make sure to log off of this site too - no internet searches - nothing where he can see what you are thinking of. This is a dangerous game and I want you to be safe.

 

[mamachick]

shimmerz-I don't even know where to start to address what you have said.
You are right, I have set up a false sense of safety within my mind. He doesn't have to verbally assault me because I do it for him. As soon as I start feeling a bit better about myself and a bit of confidence, he shoots it down and I go back to bed. All you said is right.

Legal Aid will provide forms but not go to court for divorce. Last fall after he slapped me I contacted the women shelter and was suppose to go in but ended up with pneumonia and he took me to ER a couple times for that. That was followed by bad bronchitis....then it was spring and I backed down. It seems like every time I take a step forward, some circumstance leaves me in a panic.

It is beyond words. When I had to go off adderoll almost 2 yrs ago, I quit getting out of bed. I literally only get out of the house 2-3 times a week, one for group, and to the grocery store or/and dinner with him, and appointments. The rest of the time, I live in my bed. From this I have become so physically weak on top of things. He doesn't seem to mind.

It just feels like the legal system will not support me....ya poor me living in a big house in a nice neighborhood....him supporting me....right. It seems that you know exactly what I am talking about though. He has always undermined me. I don't feel in danger but know I could be under circumstances, thats one reason I have little contact with him.

He has the money for the best lawyer and I have none. He consulted in past years with at least 3 attorneys that I know of in this small town, and they were all good ones. Once that firm consults, I can't use them even if I had cash. This small town is very mysogynistic.

I agree, I will shut my mouth and give no clues and will seek women shelter service. It just doesn't feel like there is any world outside of this right now.

Its been 10 years for you now...you should be really proud and I know you have to be really strong.

 

[mumstheword]

I was kept in check by mine holding my children, basically as hostages "if you leave, I will keep the children. You won't get them because you are crazy." And lots of constant gaslighty ploys to keep me believing him. It took such ill health that I knew I would surely die if I stayed. Mine would never take me to ER, not under any circumstances. I even begged him to have me admitted to a psych hospital, convinced of my "crazy". Nope, never would. I was snared by him at age 16, I couldn't drive. I never got to drive so I could get myself out of there with my children. Seven children and 21 years later I finally escaped with my life, only just.

Life doesn't start until we do the brave thing. And even then, it is very hard.

You deserve life, not just survival and hanging on by a thread.
Don't wait until you are fighting just to stay alive, like I did.
Seven and a half years later and I've still so much to address.

But no one gets to treat me like their own personal torture victim and hostage anymore.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Bratt I hope that you are okay, please take extra special good care of you right now.:hug:

 

[mamachick]

@mumstheword-God bless you. I am so glad you are out of that situation. You stay strong. The worst is over. He sounds horrible.

Rain I am okay and I am trying to take extra care right now, in part by reaching out here.

I am grateful for all of your responses. I just start getting confused and thinking this is somehow normal.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@brat17 I know that you have health issues, but I wonder if some of them are caused from the depression/stress caused from this relationship??? The beating down of your self/self esteem???? You are suffering from abuse, physical, emotional, financial, and all of this abuse just beats down your self esteem. At some point you just give up and don’t give a shit anymore, so you stay in bed. Staying in bed, you lose muscle tone and your muscles atrophy after awhile. You become weak, can’t do anything. The old saying, “use it or lose it” comes to mind.

 

[mamachick]

She Cat-much is caused by depression/stress. While I have some related to accident, much is from taking over the counter pain meds, stress, anxiety, and Im sure that my situation plays a role on fatigue and pain levels even.

Now its almost Christmas and I am trying to everything right to not upset the apple cart. Unfortunately, he took the past week off work for vacation time. Thats great for him but too much time here is never good. I had to get out of the house a few hours ago due to near panic state. Its not his fault that I get like this....its me trying to please others. (one present did not ship in time, had to get last minute stuff for unexpected guests, etc).

He has been here for the past 8 days and I tried to communicate what needed done. He is happy to shop and go to dinner and stuff. If I ask him to chop vegetables for a dish he will do that, but I am trying to do prep. in advance so I can visit with family as well. I asked him days ago to run sweeper and a couple other things but he puts it off till the end. Today I asked him to help with something and he said theres only 10 minutes left in the game. (theres never a good time) There is a sport on everyday and he watches them all. He thinks about looking for the table leaf when company gets here.

Today he told me that one of our daughters is coming that I didn't expect but am glad of course. However, she is a strong person and sees me as weak because of ptsd. She may identify better with him these days. She has not visited in years, since she graduated law school more than 4 years ago.

This is also the anniversary of my assault

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Geez bratt I am truly sorry to hear all of this. If he wants to get the table leaf when there are guests there make him stick to his word and don't you do it. This sounds like a recipe for disaster for you. I know that you are doing your very best right now and this is very unfair of him to be putting you through this I think. It is just my opinion and if it is not helpful please toss okay? Anniversaries are a very big deal. Please make a self care plan for you so that you are ready for whatever comes to you. I hope that you have a good visit I really do. But you cannot carry him too on top of what you are facing I do not think. I understand that there is so much pressure and stress on you, but you have to put yourself first this time no matter what you know?

Maybe I am way off base and totally wrong and not hearing you right. If so I deeply apologize. You need so much help right now and I know that is why you got the courage to post here telling us what has been going on.

I am so glad you got out today. When your guests are there if you need a time out to collect yourself please take them. I am really worried about your wellbeing bratt.