Lost pup, thank you. And thank you to all who responded. I was sitting in my parked car, head on the steering wheel wondering what next, when I got lost pup's suggestion to try and do "something vet kind" for myself. I wept. Then I walked a few blocks to buy fresh good food. I felt the sun on my face. Just the feeling, just knowing that someone outside my head can understand and offer the option of a gentle self-care has shifted things for me. I have a lot a lot to think about. Thank you you all.