Relationship First Responder Husband With Severe PTSD Has Left 3 Times

[Monica1974]

@Freida @SweetPainfulLoving

There has been quite a bit of debate about PTSD "causing" cheating. I guess I am of the opinion now that what causes the cheating is the person's natural personality pre-PTSD combined with the impulse control of the PTSD and a choice of how to cope with painful emotions.

A complicated mix in other words. PTSD by itself is not a "cause".

@SweetPainfulLoving
I feel like our stories are similar (which makes me feel less alone!), but there are some differences too. My husband, unlike your ex, is the type who gives and gives and gives until it hurts, and he becomes totally depleted and empty inside. Unfortunately he then feels unappreciated and entitled. He then devalues me, compares me to the other woman (it wasn't like this with her!"). Then an explosion, then the gifts and kind gestures start.

My therapist (and anyone with any sense!) says I cannot control the actions of another, and I'll kill myself trying to understand WHY, WHY, WHY he acts this way. They say he has such deep problems inside his brain, such disorganized thinking etc...

I suspect that your ex ignores you at hockey out of a deep shame that he stuffs away. I'd be interested to know if he tries to come back again... as for me, I'm thinking a lot about the boundaries I need to protect my heart from more trauma.

 

[Freida]

It is like I never really knew him, or wanted so badly to see the good side of him and to never abandon him, that I was blind to everything else.

I see this in many of the supporters -- that desire to help turning into the acceptence of behavior that they would never tolerate in someone else. But because of "ptsd" it is somehow acceptable. I don't think badly about any of them because their hearts are in the right place. But it makes me so sad to see the asshats taking shameless advantage of them - because that's what it comes down to

It is not a good feeling. And this time I can’t sugarcoat it or deny it.....even to myself.

I'm so sorry.

Supporters can be our lifeline to reality --- how the world really work as opposed to how we think it works. And yep - I've been known to treat mine like crap occasionally and probably will in the future. So they have to be strong and call me out on it and remind me that ptsd or no ptsd --- I'm not allowed to treat them like that. They are the ones putting up with my dramas - not the other way around. They are willing to help - but not to be abused. Ya - I've got mean supporters! :laugh: But the boundaries they draw are what keep them sane.

 

[Sweetpea76]

There has been quite a bit of debate about PTSD "causing" cheating.

You know what’s missing here?

Accountability. It’s HIS fault. HIS.

He’s not mentally incapacitated, possessed by the devil, suffering from a melon sized brain tumor, and he currently doesn’t have a large arrow sticking out of his head, right? Then HE did what he did, and it is fine for that to be WRONG and HIS FAULT even if he has PTSD.

A lot of supporters want to blame things on the PTSD. He cheats because the PTSD... he “ghosts” me, he lies, he yells at me, he hits me. The people who do that do NOT end up with healthy, happy relationships. They end up lonely doormats.

He has to pull his own weight. He has to, or it won’t work. I’m a supporter who has been with my sufferer for years, and I have hard boundaries he knows he cannot cross if he wants me to stay. He is more than capable of respecting those boundaries, even with PTSD and three TBIs.

It’s ok to get mad. It ok to put your foot down. He’s not a poor baby. He’s a man who is f*cking you over.

 

[Monica1974]

and I have hard boundaries he knows he cannot cross if he wants me to stay. He is more than capable of respecting those boundaries, even with PTSD and three TBIs.

I guess a big difference here is that your mate wants you to stay, and mine keeps wanting to leave!
Can you tell me what your "hard boundaries" are? And did you set them because he was acting in certain ways?

 

[Sweetpea76]

I have lines that cannot be crossed. If he does these, I will leave... no negotiations. These are my lines in the sand. Cheating. Domestic Violence. Hurting my kids. Zero explanations accepted, buh-bye. These were my deal breakers from the get-go.

I have “softer” boundaries too... ones that I’ve worked out during the relationship. Like if he lashes out verbally I will not tolerate it. I’ll leave the room till he calms down, etc. He cannot just disappear with no words. I will not stick around waiting on him for months.

Boundaries are all about your limits. It’s not a set of rules for him, it’s a set of rules for you. So instead of “you cannot cheat on me”, think “I’d he cheats I cannot tolerate it, and I will leave”. You cannot control anybody’s behavior but your own. He has the choice of whether he will respect your boundaries or not.

 

[Justmehere]

As far as this or that being PTSD related, I’m not sure it’s healthy for you to keep trying to attribute everything to PTSD as if it makes it less bad or less unhealthy.

As far as the sexual behaviors listed, no. That is not a PTSD thing. Sexuality with sufferers is as varied as everyone else.

His constant obsession with sex seems more like the behavior of a cheating compulsive sex addict who is very used to everyone enabling his unhealthy behaviors around him.

And it works for him. Totally works. He has no reason to deal with his stuff and stop.

What I can't understand is WHY come back over and over again? He returned each time with many gifts, apologies, loving cards, along with requests for me to accept half the blame...

Because the chaos and drama works for him. He never has to face consequences and never had to stop and deal with the past or focus all his effort to get into recovery.

Has anyone experienced such a roller coaster that eventually stabilized?

Yep. I kicked a partner much like him to the curb. Eventually he did get help. I’m much happier too without the chaos.

He initiated the purchase of a new family home for us right after returning from a secret vacation with his mistress, then becoming so stressed around move in time that he left me for her a few days after, only to come back three weeks later... and then attempting to restart with her the day after that... this is a small part of the roller coaster. Could this back and forth be a BPD behavior?

It’s what cheaters do. Maybe related to personality disorders, maybe not. But this is classic cheater behavior.

Instead of focusing on his possible pathologies, it’s time to own that you deserve being treated with respect and dignity. You do him (and your family) no favors to do otherwise.

 

[Monica1974]

Thank you everyone who has been kind enough to send messages.

Your collective advice to look after myself and stop focussing on him are right, but so hard to do, when I have spent so long trying to please him.

And yes, I know that trying to understand the WHY (PTSD vs. BPD vs. his bad childhood etc) is TOTALLY useless. His cheating is his problem, no matter how much he tries to tell me it was my fault.

So, I am doing the following: taking 6 months off work to heal (told work already and counting down the days), continuing therapy with the focus on me building my self back up, stopping my fantasies and memories of restoring what we used to have, and getting back to my old self: a happy and optimistic person. In addition, I need to stop isolating, start holding my head up high and talking to people, make new friends etc... many people have told me that I am a shadow of my former self. I have cried a lifetime of tears in the past few years and I don't want that anymore.

So thanks for giving me the advice I NEEDED to hear, but didn't really WANT to hear lol.

 

[Deanna]

Thank you everyone who has been kind enough to send messages.

Your collective advice to look after myself and stop focussing on him are right, but so hard to do, when I have spent so long trying to please him.

And yes, I know that trying to understand the WHY (PTSD vs. BPD vs. his bad childhood etc) is TOTALLY useless. His cheating is his problem, no matter how much he tries to tell me it was my fault.

So, I am doing the following: taking 6 months off work to heal (told work already and counting down the days), continuing therapy with the focus on me building my self back up, stopping my fantasies and memories of restoring what we used to have, and getting back to my old self: a happy and optimistic person. In addition, I need to stop isolating, start holding my head up high and talking to people, make new friends etc... many people have told me that I am a shadow of my former self. I have cried a lifetime of tears in the past few years and I don't want that anymore.

So thanks for giving me the advice I NEEDED to hear, but didn't really WANT to hear lol.

It hurts but it's also how we heal. All best and stick around!?

 

[Hojay]

@Monica1974 I don’t think you can classify any of the above as “PTSD behavior.” But any symptom of PTSD can produce any variation of coping mechanism imaginable. Take alcoholism, for example. Is it “PTSD behavior”? No. Is it a common coping strategy for people to handle psychological stress? Sure.

What you describe comes curiously close to what some may say are symptoms of sex addiction. Have you looked into that?

All that said, the real question isn’t whether or not his PTSD is causing this behavior, but rather how acceptable it is to you and where your boundaries are.

PS: i just read your last post, so disregard the last bit. You sound like you’re on a good path. This isn’t easy, that’s for sure!

 

[Ronin]

What you describe comes curiously close to what some may say are symptoms of sex addiction.

Wasn’t sex addiction, you know, not a real thing?

I’d have to check back to research on this one but even if it were an actual addiction which afaik research disproves, it would still be his responsibility to get in check, not hers.

 

[Hojay]

@Ronin yeah, sex addiction isn’t currently considered a diagnosis, as they’re still gathering evidence. But there is enough clinical research to suggest there is such a thing as sex compulsion, which is coming very close to receiving its own entry in the DSM et al.

And you’re totally right, regardless of whether or not he’s suffering from any of that, it’s his to manager, not hers. I hope it didn’t read like I was suggesting otherwise.

 

[SweetPainfulLoving]

I understand exactly what you are saying about sex because I have also experienced something similar to what you experienced. My ex husband who is a narcissist (no PTSD) did the same thing. Slept with 2 women in one day (before we met) and once had me orgasm a dozen times in one go (that can be a bit much). It was an image and control issue with him....controlling me and making himself out to be an amazing lover. It is actually very common with NPD.

My ex with PTSD and narcissism would often have me orgasm multiple times as well and actually compared himself to my ex husband saying that he must have been incompetent to have me orgasm that much only once. Sometimes it would be pushed into an area of sex that I had not experienced before or was borderline degrading or even a bit more than that. These are just a few examples.

Of course, I thought they were just really intent on making me happy and fulfilling my needs but when it comes down to it it was all about them. They literally could have been having sex with themselves....it wasn’t about me at all.

And maybe that is the difference between those with NPD and those with PTSD that are using sex as a coping mechanism?
I don’t know, but I can say that it was eerie you sharing that and it took me back to both relationships, so, thank you for being so open. It helps me not feel so alone too and, right now, I am in a bit of a spiral downward....so, thank you. ?