I am guessing that as individual as our situations are of assault, so is our outcomes. I was married at 17, and raped by my ex a couple of years later. Following that, I just never said no, even if I didnt really participate.
(I think I dissociated sometimes/often) I finally divorced and dated. I didnt really like dating because I avoided being in the position of being forced and was somewhat afraid to say no.
I met my second husband and he had a low sex drive (really preferred sports and work) and was inhibited . I liked that. I needed that at the time. As years went by and I felt healed, I was changing, he was not. So the normal things couples who love each other would do, he showed low interest. We were married 2 years when I had to buy an educational video because he said oral sex was sick. He also suffered premature ejaculation, so I didnt know what penetration felt like. He opened up a little but was still very boring and pre-mature. After 17 years, we seperated.
I began dating our former marraige counselor, who turned out to be a sexual addict and had been brought up on charges previous to me. He had a routine for sex, whirlpool, cocktails, and a couple hits of pot although I never smoked before. Things got really weird and I would have hours missing during sex. I knew it started at 11 pm, next thing I knew it was 5 or 6 and was missing hours. It was not pot-I tried that without him to be sure. I was being drugged with something. That ended with me knowing I had been violated-long story I will skip thru. Now it was menopause too, and I had a spinal injury not long after. I had difficulties with orgasm but also the lack of trust, so I avoided.
I (like another poster said) could not have a one night stand. However, I dont really feel bad about that. Eventually I met this man that was very loving and sex was really great. I came to trust him in that area and trusted him fully. Still some difficulty with orgasm but it still always happened. Sometimes it would just feel like I went from teetering on orgasm to disappearance, but I could come back and no bad feelings afterwards. He was very understanding and I would say we had the most healthy sex life ever. I will say that even though I trusted him, ultimately, I felt like I had to be in control of my orgasms. ( we also had some toys that were very helpful). Sex was great, it was mutually initiated, and even a factor keeping us together when we should have ended it. I also did love him very much.
That ended almost 2 yrs ago and although I have been sexual, it has just not been worth it. If it causes the discomfort/flashbacks that it has and left me feeling really bad for days after-I cant afford it. Recently I even had sex with my ex and felt like crying afterwards and it just was not right for me. Big mistake.
For me, if I were raped in the alley or date raped, I could not report it to police. Therefore I feel very uncomfortable of putting myself in that position. So now it does feel like I will not have a sex life again. But who knows, anything is possible.
