Flight response?

[FauxLiz]

So I have been feeling as though everything is crashing down around me for the past few weeks more so than I have in a really long time. Enough so that with nudging from my T I went inpatient for several days earlier this month because I couldn’t assure either one of us that I was safe.

In the last few days it has been probably the worst it has been in years but I have been stubbornly refusing to do anything about safety because I kept telling myself I had commitments, things that needed wrapped up before I did anything. Then bright and early this morning my son comes in and asks me to call him in sick for school (like a once in a year kinda thing so I know he must really be sick) and as I am sitting up waiting to wake up enough to make the call this thought came to me.

Now I may be completely bonkers heaven knows most days I do wonder if I am not just old fashioned crazy but It occurred to me that this may be a weird part of my flight response. Crazy I know but if you think about it when I experience SI it is usually because I am at the end of my rope and looking to escape. To get away from everything that has me so tied up in knots I can’t think or see straight. So what do you think about the idea that SI is related to our flight instinct just turned against our selves as a last failing effort to protect us from the unknown. I get that it isn’t healthy or good and maybe I am just rambling on as I am still not fully awake but maybe it is worth exploring.

 

[MyWillow]

Really sorry you've been feeling so overwhelmed @FauxLiz. I'm right there with you at the moment.

Yes, maybe a flight response but I also think it's about having a sense of control too. Thinking you can do something about it.

I hope you are seeking the support you need right now. Sending you best wishes and hugs if you feel you can accept them.

 

[Elmez]

@FauxLiz I'm with @MyWillow with thoughts of support. Didn't think of the SI feelings as part of the Flight response, on those days I'm just wanting the pain to end. @FauxLiz your thoughts offer another another insight into our shared conditions. Thanks for sharing!

 

[ladee]

Interesting observation. And when I sat and thought about what you said, it made perfect sense. The times I thought suicide was the only way I was ever going to get any relief, it was 'running'. Running so far away, none of the pain and confusion could touch me again.
And also like what @MyWillow said about it feeling as tho we had control... over something, anything, when we are stuck in the sludge of pain that makes no sense and feels it has no end to it.

Wish I had had this insight when I was going thru my 'I want to die' stages of recovery. It would have made so much sense. I truly hope many read this thread. It puts another perspective on SI. Thank you for sharing.

And as far as you being 'old fashioned crazy', crazy people do not know they are crazy. You are in a huge turning point of growth, and you will survive it, you will come out the other side.. who else could make that phone call for your son but you?

Grateful you shared your thoughts this morning. Gentle hugs if you accept, and hope this load lightens for you very soon.

 

[somerandomguy]

So what do you think about the idea that SI is related to our flight instinct just turned against our selves as a last failing effort to protect us from the unknown.

I think that makes a lot of sense. It's the ultimate avoidant behavior, too - if I don't exist, I don't have to confront the way I feel anymore.

I don't have any advice, but that was a pretty good observation.

 

[Freida]

So what do you think about the idea that SI is related to our flight instinct just turned against our selves as a last failing effort to protect us from the unknown.

I think it's one of the most brilliant things you have ever said. And it's something I need to keep in mind because I'm a runner and I never realized that I consider running towards SI as perfectly acceptable. That is ......terrifying? No advice - but huge thank you for bringing that up and giving me something to think about....

And a reminder that I need you in my life to teach me things like this.

 

[FauxLiz]

@Freida thanks for telling me I am needed. It has been a difficult day, woke up to a mechanic calling to rip me off (I don't have anything against making a profit but seriously a 34% mark up more than anyone else is charging for literally the same used engine from the same supplier) no thank you. Then my lawyer emailed that my employer has agreed to negotiate my separation agreement so I guess I am unemployed now.

Now I just have to remind myself of this epiphany every time I start mentally wandering that way.

 

[Freida]

I'm so sorry -- it seems like you would eventually run out of things to go wrong!

I thought the settlement was what we were hoping for??? This is a good thing?

And I'll keep reminding you.....

 

[EveHarrington]

I never thought of it that way, but it makes sense!

 

[FauxLiz]

@Freida the settlement is what I have been hoping for but at the same time it is scary. Looking for a new job and being unemployed while having to encounter my ex twice in a matter of weeks for my daughter and son's graduations is tough. Going to grad school and starting this career is what gave me the courage to leave him so being in contact with him and not employed is not an ideal situation throw my perfectionist must over achieve or you are nothing family in the mix at the same events. I know my life is a complete mess some day I will get it right.

 

[ladee]

You've got it right , now. Anyone would be overwhelmed with all the above going on at the same time. I would be a wreck. So, do as much self care as you can... if nothing else, telling your self you are human, having human feelings and reactions to the stress... keep in touch here, know you aren't alone... and are supported.

It is a lot at one time. Can't change the perfectionism right now, but do try to tell your self you are doing what you can with what you have to work with... sending gentle hugs to let you know I believe in you, as many here do..

 

[FauxLiz]

Thanks @ladee i guess I am just stinging from the loving conversation with my dad today called to get advice on the car situation cause if nothing else he is my “car guy” in knowing how things work value cost of repair etc. we finished the discussion about the car and knowing my job was in a precarious position said well at least you still have a job and hung up no good bye nothing. Probably wouldn’t have hurt so bad be hung up before I could tell him that I am no longer employed.

Got say I could really FEEL the LOVE in that call can’t wait to see him next month.