Sexual Assault forced to penetrate case, confused and overwhelmed

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

feeling ready to make a post about this outside of my diary today so im giving it a go.




starting about 15-16ish i was in contact with a man through someone close to me, we didn't interact much especially not one on one but he was covertly / noncontact taking advantage of and sexually exploiting me in connection to her, into my early adulthood. i don’t remember him ever touching or speaking to me sexually but he was involved in taking nude photos of me and i caught him watching me be sexually abused a few times which i don’t doubt was happening more regularly than i realised.

as an adult this suddenly escalated without any warning to him one day forcing me to have sex with him. i was already used to having a sexual relationship with someone i saw as a family member (the person he had access to me through) but i was very uncomfortable by what he was asking/telling me to do, i didn’t know him that well, i thought it was dirty and didn’t want to put myself somewhere that poop came from, i had also never (in memory) had sexual interactions with anyone apart from my primary abuser who had groomed me enough that at the time i was not yet realising the issue with her.

i was trying to say no and remove myself from the situation but he got physically violent very quickly and i was immediately scared into stopping and doing what he wanted because i was scared he might kill me he’d lashed out so unpredictability and hurt me.
but what he wanted me to do wasn’t the “you sit there and let me do this to you” that i was used to he actually wanted me
to have sex with him, he told me to have sex with him like i “had sex” with her.

i broke down, burst out crying a couple of times before i’d even done anything, it was an extremely horrible process him even getting my body in a state where it could function sexually. i was scared, i didn’t want him to touch me, i wasn’t attracted to men at all, and he was 20+ years older than me and stronger than me both physically and also socially as i was developmentally delayed and verbally impaired.

i was dissociating a lot and it was so gruelling even staying physically able to do what he wanted. i had to do a lot of mental gymnastics and pretend he was her and just left my body for a while i was so overwhelmed.
not long after that he cornered me again and forced me to do the same thing a second time and i was shaking and tearful this time as well but afterwards instead of letting me leave he grabbed me and forced me to uncover my erection and let him make me orgasm.

i get a lot a lot of shame from this and it comes in waves, few good weeks, few rotten weeks. i struggle periodically to not just blame myself for an avoidable happening that i just needed to not do and walk away from.
he went on to rape me.



i guess my question is is this even abuse? what does an abuser stand to gain being in the more vulnerable position like this? if sexual abuse is about power how does this fit into that? why make me penetrate when it’s easier and probably more gratifying to just rape me? why take the risk?
my primary abuser was his partner and i did have a sexual relationship with her before he came into the picture so that’s always where my mind goes as to why he wanted to hurt me but i don’t know. i feel like im bewilderedly grasping at straws trying to make sense of it all and not completely fall into contempt of myself. it feels like ive just violated myself because i didn’t want to but did it anyway and there’s no way he forced me to do it when he wasn’t there holding me down or using some kind of threat to keep me there. he was underneath me i could have just left. what is this situation? why did he do it?

 

[parrotthepolly]

Yes it is abuse and you're fully aware from the fact that you're implying he's the abuser in the next sentence. They gain the sense of power by telling you what to do and you did state he might become violent and kill you if you didn't obey.

You couldn't "just have left", he might find you and since you know the female as well I'm assuming they're both people you can't avoid in your life then. Just cause he's below you physically doesn't make him venerable in any sense since you're the one suffering and he still instructed you to get in that position.

Your story isn't very different from most others regarding rape. And considering you're behind in your development and can't fight back, that makes you an easy target so that's "why".

 

[Movingforward10]

When you're not consenting: it's assault.
He had no regard for your wellbeing. He didn't care. He did it anyway.

We often try and work out why people harm us. But , honestly, it's better you don't understand why he did what he did. Because, in my mind, it shows how different you are. I'm glad I can't fathom why someone hurts someone else. Why would they want to? What do they get out of it? Who the hell knows.

Ultimately , it's a 'them' issue. The shame is theirs. They project that shame into us. And we carry that heavy burden of shame for so long as it's insidious. But, realising the shame was never, and is never, yours: so totally freeing and healing.

 

[arfie]

congratulations on finding the courage to share, feathers. in my own recovery, this is an all important and extremely frightening step. but by setting the truth free, i am more free to sort the sordid details in a far more clear light.

i could have just left. what is this situation? why did he do it?

more and more i cannot see the benefit to asking why sick minds do sick things, my own post-trauma reviews, be the review of my own behavior or the perp's behavior, only seem to make me crazier. yes, i need to process the memory and emotions attached. in my own case, seeking clinical/legal definitions is a form of deflection. as long as i am distracting myself with futile research, i can avoid the actual process.

i guess my question is is this even abuse?

ditto the above. the name i call ^it^ has no bearing on the healing process. ^it^ hurts. what more do i need to know?

 

[SeaLionMan1982]

feeling ready to make a post about this outside of my diary today so im giving it a go.




starting about 15-16ish i was in contact with a man through someone close to me, we didn't interact much especially not one on one but he was covertly / noncontact taking advantage of and sexually exploiting me in connection to her, into my early adulthood. i don’t remember him ever touching or speaking to me sexually but he was involved in taking nude photos of me and i caught him watching me be sexually abused a few times which i don’t doubt was happening more regularly than i realised.

as an adult this suddenly escalated without any warning to him one day forcing me to have sex with him. i was already used to having a sexual relationship with someone i saw as a family member (the person he had access to me through) but i was very uncomfortable by what he was asking/telling me to do, i didn’t know him that well, i thought it was dirty and didn’t want to put myself somewhere that poop came from, i had also never (in memory) had sexual interactions with anyone apart from my primary abuser who had groomed me enough that at the time i was not yet realising the issue with her.

i was trying to say no and remove myself from the situation but he got physically violent very quickly and i was immediately scared into stopping and doing what he wanted because i was scared he might kill me he’d lashed out so unpredictability and hurt me.
but what he wanted me to do wasn’t the “you sit there and let me do this to you” that i was used to he actually wanted me
to have sex with him, he told me to have sex with him like i “had sex” with her.

i broke down, burst out crying a couple of times before i’d even done anything, it was an extremely horrible process him even getting my body in a state where it could function sexually. i was scared, i didn’t want him to touch me, i wasn’t attracted to men at all, and he was 20+ years older than me and stronger than me both physically and also socially as i was developmentally delayed and verbally impaired.

i was dissociating a lot and it was so gruelling even staying physically able to do what he wanted. i had to do a lot of mental gymnastics and pretend he was her and just left my body for a while i was so overwhelmed.
not long after that he cornered me again and forced me to do the same thing a second time and i was shaking and tearful this time as well but afterwards instead of letting me leave he grabbed me and forced me to uncover my erection and let him make me orgasm.

i get a lot a lot of shame from this and it comes in waves, few good weeks, few rotten weeks. i struggle periodically to not just blame myself for an avoidable happening that i just needed to not do and walk away from.
he went on to rape me.



i guess my question is is this even abuse? what does an abuser stand to gain being in the more vulnerable position like this? if sexual abuse is about power how does this fit into that? why make me penetrate when it’s easier and probably more gratifying to just rape me? why take the risk?
my primary abuser was his partner and i did have a sexual relationship with her before he came into the picture so that’s always where my mind goes as to why he wanted to hurt me but i don’t know. i feel like im bewilderedly grasping at straws trying to make sense of it all and not completely fall into contempt of myself. it feels like ive just violated myself because i didn’t want to but did it anyway and there’s no way he forced me to do it when he wasn’t there holding me down or using some kind of threat to keep me there. he was underneath me i could have just left. what is this situation? why did he do it?

It's one of my biggest fears is someone forcing me to orgasm so that I get them pregnant or they can say I hurt them instead of the other way around.

 

[interstellar505]

i was almost forced into a situation like this, by my ex. he would tell me horrible, sexual things that i still remember word for word this day. i am so sorry this has happened to you.