Forgiveness?

[AdamAnt]

I know that many ideologies profess forgiveness as part of the the path to emotional health when one has been wronged, but it seems perverse to consider that viable when it comes to PTSD. Any thoughts?

(I have on full hockey protective gear and already a red high-heel pump protrudes from my helmet......

 

[Tessa]

Interesting question... I am a Christian and I know we are supposed to forgive. I can try to forgive the father who is trapped inside an angry man. I do not know if I can forgive the man who held a knife to my daughters neck and made her abort her baby. Nor do I think I can forgive the man who raped my beautiful daughter. I try to forgive the man who inflicted total character assassination on me . I try to forgive the woman who punched me in the head,ripped my scalp from my skull and threw me to the ground resulting in PTSD and permanent injuries because her mother died.......it all hurts so much.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I have noticed forgiveness seems to be an easy thing to say when nothing has really been done to you. Its hard for those people who really need to...

Having said that, would I be able to forgive? I can't tell you, I would think that one day I will. But I don't know how I would ever get to that point. That seems impossible, and in my state of mind, stupid. Why would I forgive him?

...That's a hard thing.

 

[catjudo]

I've heard it said that the forgiveness aspect, if one chooses to try that route, is more for you and the release it gives you than for the actual perpetrator. In most cases they don't deserve the forgiveness, but if forgiving your perpetrator allows you to move on or feel more at peace with yourself (or whatever benefit it may give you) then do it for yourself, but not for the other person.

That being said, while I do continue to have a relationship with my parents, forgiveness is not something that I will ever be willing to give.

 

[anni]

There are an awful lot of takes on this, I think. Wandering around Pergatory forever impaled by Dorothy's shoe seems ample recompense for one's sins but since the readers remain in ignorance as to how the feminine footwear got there in the first place I suppose one must refrain from final comment.

It IS tough to comment on the whole forgiveness 'thing', since it tends to infringe sometimes on people's religious beliefs. Most Christians are taught that forgiveness is MANDATED by God, hence something one just plain has to do 'or else'. As the daughter of a Lutheran minister I've heard that sermon a few thousand times. It's just my own opinion but I don't actually think that means God wishes us to bake brownies for the person who tried to kill any of us, and take them over to their house. Maybe that's how it's been interpreted through various theologies but I don't seriously believe for a moment we're meant to overlook a little thing like attempted homicide, rape or incest ( etc. ). Certainly, some 'things' can and should be forgiven but shouldn't it be IF the victim feels it's possible, not that they HAVE to? I'd have to think that whether or not genuine forgiveness can be achieved would also depend to some degree on how severe the offense was, right? I'd be an awful lot more likely to be able to whole-heartedly forgive the person who perhaps stole my pusre to feed their family than the *sswipe who threw me down the stairs and broke my leg.

Yes, I realize the other very valid and healing perspective is that 'forgiveness' is actually allowing the victim to release that trauma and move on. Having been through both some ridiculously horrific traumas and very healing therapies I can only speak for how I feel and what I know is the case for me, personally. I do not hold on to my traumas because that does indeed leave you immersed in pain. I do not have it in me to do anything other than loathe forever the person who abused me, however. If it turns out I'm wrong, and God really did expect me forgive the jerk I'm guessing he'll correct me when I 'get there' someday.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Maybe you have to forgive yourself first? <----that's what people say....Don't know if it holds any weight

 

[Mina]

AdamAnt, you might find these threads useful:

[DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/threads/9310-What-Are-Your-Thoughts-On-Forgiveness?"]What Are Your Thoughts On Forgiveness?[/DLMURL]
[DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/threads/12414-Forgiveness-Where-Do-You-Think-It-Belongs-In-The-Recovery-Process?"]Forgiveness - Where Do You Think It Belongs In The Recovery Process?[/DLMURL]
[DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/threads/11565-Definition-Of-Forgiveness?"]Definition Of Forgiveness[/DLMURL]

 

[Nicolette]

Over Mothers' Day weekend just recently I received an attacking email from a sister which basically put me over the edge in terms of receiving abuse stemming from their issues. I responded copying in my mother who I have my biggest issue with. (Note: while I am a Carer to a member on this forum; I am unwell as a result of the abuse I have suffered throughout my life...need I say more?!)

I told them I had withdrawn to protect myself and in my response I also told them that I now choose to have control of my life and end the abuse cycle with the only way to do that being to now 'close the door' (as withdrawing was not working).

I made a few very pertinent points as to my decision in the email, but decided not to ramble, wished them well and decide to forgive them.........not for what they had done but for not knowing any better. While it's not easy to close the door on family; accepting that they knew no more than the chaos they created and lived in, while causing hurt to each other, and having that lack of insight and knowledge to what they were doing was worthy of my forgiveness (as I don't think they do it on purpose). I did however tell them that while forgiving them I still could not forget what they had done to me.

My actions have caused a 'ton of bricks' to be lifted off my shoulders as I no longer have to struggle with how to deal with them as I have accepted their toxicity but also their ignorance. I mean them no ill will so I forgive them for not knowing better which releases me from the anger and hurt - it allows me the freedom to accept that they are who they are and that is sad........I will no longer be pulled down by them.

So in a nutshell, to me, forgiveness was being able to find a reason to let go instead of struggling to understand why they were like who they are. Does this make sense?

 

[AdamAnt]

Thanks for the links Mina, I will check those out directly.

It seems there are several definitions for forgiveness, but the one I think might bring the most positive effect is "giving up my right to hurt you, for hurting me." It seems to be an actively giving-up kinda thing in one way, but then again a passively taking-over kinda thing on the other. I never considered the importance of the discernment until I was faced with watching someone self-heal from what I consider an unforgivable expression of existance. I'm definately interested in any other healing avenues following these lines...

 

[Jubilation4Me]

I've tried and tried to honestly forgive the people that have wronged me in my life. Some of them, I can say with assurance, have been forgiven and forgotten, so to speak........others, as much as I've struggled to be forgiving of them, still aren't really and truly forgiven, no matter how hard I try. It's like I'm just broken, and I just can't honestly forgive them. I'm sure it hurts me in the long run, but I can only do what I'm able to do and be an honest person about it.

 

[Pickle]

This thread is an older one that I'm resurrecting because I am interested in others thoughts and experiences with forgiveness.

I've read it a number of times and find something so powerful here. I have always thought of forgiveness as some sort of reconciliation or even "wiping the slate clean" and something one is supposed to do but sometimes never quite can.... I've never thought of it in the way forgiveness is expressed here: quite a helpful mind shift. With this definition, it seems more possible to forgive and move forward without denying that someone/something has caused pain or somehow absolving their responsibility or actions?