Forgiving Your Perpatrator/abuser

[Melody coates]

ok I posted yesterday about minimizing. Now I would like to discuss forgiveness. how difficult is it for you to forgive the person(s) who traumatized you? and if you have forgiven them how did you go about doing it? this is something I'm really struggling with. as much as I want to forgive my abuser, I just can't. this person was someone I looked to for love and comfort. and it was my right to be treated with love and respect. I have a lot of anger and maybe even hate towards this person.

 

[Changing4Best]

I asked God to help me to forgive him. I prayed about this a lot. Then I wrote a letter to him as if he were in Heaven, knowing that there is only one sin that the Bible says is not forgivable (blaspheming the Holy Spirit). I told him in the letter that I forgave him. If I find myself feeling unforgiving one day, I pray to God again to help me forgive him. God helps me with this and keeps my mind on other things, healthy things.

Other things that are good are grounding techniques so that you have a tool to help you focus on the here and now, not the then.

I hope this is helpful to you! I feel your pain.

 

[shandemonium]

Give yourself time girl... I was once told (about forgiving my parents) that anger and hatred is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.

Forgiveness is misunderstood a lot I think. We think of it like giving that horrible person a free-pass but it's not about that. It's about you. Forgiveness will free you and give you peace within.

Also remember that forgiveness is something to give yourself. Forgive yourself that you still hate this person. It is understandable and it will take time!

For me, it's like an ebb and flow kind of thing. I made all this progress forgiving my abusive mother, then I decided to even see her and it all came tumbling down again and the hatred and anger returned. I kept her out of my life and haven't seen her in almost 2 yrs and slowly, but surely forgiving her all over again.

The moral of that little story (I guess) is forgiveness is an on-going process, not a one time deal and we're forever done with it!

You are well on your way to forgiveness by knowing that it's what you want. Give yourself time and remember to forgive yourself along the way for getting angry or feeling that hatred you feel. HUGS and support! :)

 

[franciemarnie]

I don't think we can make ourselves forgive, can't force it. Then it isn't true within.

I understand what happened. I think I know what created the whole thing. But for me, the best I could do for years was put it out of my head. When it came to mind and started making me crazy, I'd put it in a "God Box", just handed this over because it was too much for my little body/mind to wrestle with. I kept perpetuating the original traumas by going over them. That was too painful. I couldn't think my way out. I was like a hamster running on a wheel.

The more I worked on healing, the less forgiveness became an issue.

What happened was not okay. Nothing will ever make it okay.

Sometimes I think people focus on forgiveness because they think it won't hurt so bad once we forgive them. If that is so, I say there are no magic bullets. The best we can do is heal I think. When I feel good, it never comes to mind.

Forgiveness, when it comes, is I think a gift.

 

[Friday]

My favorite definition of forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past.

It doesn't mean forgetting the past, putting myself in their way/ power/ doormat-on-call, nor agreeing or condoning what they did or do.

It doesn't even necessarily mean that I've given up on the idea of peeling 2" wide strips off of them at some later date. It just means I'm not compelled to do so ;).

It happened and either it was wrong or they were evil, and I wash my hands of it.

 

[arfie]

In my own case, there were multiple abusers. Some I have been able to forgive as strangers. They were not a very big part of my life. Forgiveness was nothing more than letting go of my bitterness toward them. I hold that at one extreme on the spectrum. At the other end of the spectrum I am working to forgive them for being sick enough to do these things to children. Who knows if I will make it to the next step. I believe that worrying about the next step only distracts me from noticing the cat I am about to trip over.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Forgiveness is one of the last steps in healing. It sort of just happens. If you force it, then it isn't real.

 

[nursenurse]

Remember that forgiveness does not mean forgetting, or even turning the other cheek. It takes away the power that their actions have over you. You in effect are empowering yourself.

You are allowed to grieve, to rant, to rave, to throw the proverbial emotional book at him. You will have had enough when you decide that you cannot live like that anymore. For some, that part of healing comes fast, for others it takes time. But it can be a conscious decision you make to propel yourself forward, when the rest of your life becomes bigger than what came before.

All of the previous suggestions are valid. I had my own little revenge plot mapped out, to be executed Christmas Day. And then I went to Christmas Mass, and knew that I was not reacting in the true spirit of my faith. And so I wished the F**ktard (forgiveness doesn't let him off the hook nor disguise the facts of what he truly is) Merry Christmas instead. And moved on. Living well is indeed, the best revenge.

Good luck to you. Peace in your heart is possible. In time.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I don't understand, nor can I apply any definition of forgiveness to many of my abusers, there are some who I am more forgiving of - like the guy who killed himself later and the two worst of my school bullies, my Nan is in both sides somehow but others I absolutely can't like my father and his dealer.

Often though, my forgiveness of their actions only comes about because I've tried to justify their actions - like the bullies, they might have had come from abusive homes, not that what they did wasn't wrong, one of them pushed me off a moving train and the other was riling off death-threats and beatings like there was no tomorrow - no amount of home abuse makes that kind of behaviour ok, but I've had way worse and I guess it just doesn't bother me as much.

Also, stupid as it seems, I feel guilty that that guy killed himself and I find it hard to place any blame towards him and instead blame the others present at that time - but he still raped a 13 year old. I don't know, it's a very touchy subject with me, because I want to be able to just put it all behind me and many say forgiveness is a key part of that but it's just too difficult ya know...

Maybe if you can in time, then well done but if you can't that's ok too? That's what I'd like to believe - sure it might make you the bigger person, but really you are anyway, because you are not being abusive or hurting anyone. I hope that your anger and hate however can pass or at least become less so that you don't have to deal with that daily any more because it's so draining and unpleasant. Good luck :)

 

[Lucycat]

Never. His choice. He did it. I can't forgive.

 

[RussH]

Forgiveness is a choice that we make, or don't make. I also think that forgiveness is something that is either tendered immediately, or it takes time for you to heal and reach a place where you can forgive.

I have forgiven my original abusers, but the most recent; I think the pain and the hurt is still to real for me to truly forgive, that and the fact that they are unrepentent in what they did. I will, in time choose to forgive them, but I think I need some more time to heal before forgiveness becomes a reality.

 

[Lionheart]

I think it is very noble to want to forgive a perpetrator of abuse, but I also think it is totally unnecessary to my healing. Do I hate them? No, I hate what they did and their choice to do it, but I don't think that this is technically the same as forgiveness.

One of my abuse perps was in his early 20's while I was 12 years old. He was a Psychology Major at a private college and he chose to use me again and again, for his own sick sexual gratification.

Do I think God wants me to forgive him? No, I don't!!! I think some things are just evil and there are some things that only God can forgive. I am sure even then, it will come with a great measure of divine wrath first. Besides I just want to be healthy, I am not applying for sainthood!!!

Regardless of the religious implications, I don't think it is necessary for me to forgive to heal from past traumas. I don't want to lose my anger about what was done to me and when it happens to others children I think I should be angry.

Perhaps, resentment is not so healthy and I may decide at some point to let go of it as much as possible, but there will always be some anger about the abuse .

I just don't believe it is absolutely necessary or always appropriate to forgive.