Childhood Found Out My Father Is Gay And Not Sure If Abused In The Past As A Child By Him

[thejoyprovider]

Hello there forum,

This is my story and I will try to keep it brief.

For as long as I remembered my self I was a very shy boy with low self esteem and problematic relationships. I always had a terrible nail eating habit and various problems.

I remember now that sometimes I had weird memories of stuff going on and always sexual like. Like I was a girl or something and was abused. In a truck.

Later on growing up thought I was gay. I went to the bathroom and I was dictating to my self on the mirror , do this, do that. I developed a weird thing of always keeping quiet. Nobody should know and mind my footsteps.

At this point my mother got crazy (this is what I have been told) and sent away. My father divorced her and I always thought my mother was crazy and the father was the good guy. This is what my father told me.

Later I did a relationship which was one of the most amazing things ever happened to me.

This relationship was destroyed by my father when wanted to join me to my vacations with my girl.

Then a very strange relationship developed with my father. Like we need to stay close and always be friends. This lasted many years.

After this break up I started going to websites with naked men and show my body there and have virtual sex.
I tried to test if I was gay or not by trying to do something with a man and always failed. I was shaking by anxiety and was very nervous. I run away.

I was always in a state. Am I gay? Why I have these thoughts?

Until two days ago. I went to my father's house (they are divorced) and saw something that looked like planet romeo.

Next day I logged onto his computer and saw that he had profiles there, saw that he was having sick sex chats with other people and naked photos.

Texts like "Oh yeah ...I will be this [female name] and you will be that [female name]"

"I like taking cock in the ass and giving as well"

For one day I was shocked

Then I started observing him. I saw that he was going out lately with the car etc and coming back. I saw that he was locking the doors.

And somehow the puzzle came into place. I realized that my father was sick and was the one responsible for driving my mother crazy. He was never a man with responsibilites. My mother was a victim by her own terrible childhood and was a very vanuable character. So propably this man with this sickness destroyed my chilhood (pictures of my mother beaten up - shouting - screaming)

With that now cleared from my life (I am 26) the only question is.

Was I abused sexually by my own father as a kid?

There are weird memories again. I was near the fridge on my 4 feet and felt something in my ass one day and then I started crying. I thought at the time that it was me pooping. But was it? Was it not? I have no idea about it.

There is a change of sexual abuse memories repression and I think that is very very possible.
For sure discovering this side of my father was a breaking point that never passed my mind so many things are now possible.

Why I was always shy? Why I eat my nails so furiously? Why low self esteem? What was this weird memory back when I was a kid?

There is nothing wrong with a gay person. The problem is when secrets come in and it becomes a sickness.

So please help if you like. I've had a terrible traumatised life so far. I think I had enough.

 

[hailstorm]

I feel for you. Your intuition and introspection are telling you something. Have you tried to contact your mother to see if you can reconnect with her and maybe together sort this out? Your mother may be traumatized as well. It might be beneficial to have someone to compare your memories with and you can possibly support and encourage each other. Not saying that your mother is in the place that she could do this but you may be able to find some common ground.

 

[anthony]

Hi,

I agree with @hailstorm about trying to reconnect with your mother. See what her side of the story is. There's always an issue when one parent tells you something about the other, when separation is present, in that it's only their side of things, not necessarily the truth. Parents tell their kids all sorts of things, sometimes truth, sometimes lies, both usually based on either / or both deception and protection.

I would seriously be tracking her down and asking her for yourself.

As for the childhood memories... they're always an issue, because really your brain is highly unlikely to remember much below age of 5, and certainly nothing before age 2. Saying that, traumatic memories can absolutely be repressed and recoverable during those years, IF enough salvageable memory exists. Outside of that... really you're otherwise stuck with bits and pieces, and have to try and find adults who can help you fill in the pieces. This is where your mother comes in... to help paint a clearer picture of who your father really is in her view.

When you have enough information that sides with your memories, chances are those memories are true. But until then... they're just fragments with no validation for you, thus likely just causing you distress. You could also just ask your father.

 

[thejoyprovider]

Asking my mother is not an option. She is untalkable and very tiring to talk with her. I called her yesterday and realised it. Time to say goodbye for ever.

As for my father I will ask him my self when I feel ready. Not far from now.

I can now see where my nail eating habits started and why I feel weird wherever he is around.

Actually all people feel weird around him.

This person is actually auffering from his repression true identity.

Time to move on and conquer the world. Had enough of these phychos.

 

[hailstorm]

I'm so sorry you weren't able to reconnect with your mother. Please forgive me if I have opened a can of worms. It is my hope that you will be able to find some comfort by continuing to write your thoughts here... I have found the words by the people here are very true, sincere, and affirming.
Best to you in your quest to "conquer the world."

 

[thejoyprovider]

Thank you hailstorm. Is not painful for me anymore. And even if it it its now ok.

I see all this as a big way to become really strong and be a good person after all this. Love my wife, my kids, have a nice and loving life.
At the same time I am very ambitius. This has to do with the abuse - like I need to prove something to my non existant parents- but it's a good thing to have.

I am into my father's account gay romeo. The guy is a total psycho. Not because he likes men. But because the repression made him a living monster.

Guess what. I forgive him.
I think he was abused by his father.

My grandfather was a priest in orthodox church. You know what goes on usually with these stories.

My father and my uncle and my other uncle have a habit where they eat very fast.
This is a sign of child abuse. And they are all a bit psychos to begin with.
;)

 

[thejoyprovider]

I feel sorry for him sometimes. Tried so hard so many years to live a life to please his parents from the awful truth....that he likes men. So f*cking what?

He was such a smart man he could become really happy and successful.

I hope he will accept his true colors.

As if I was abused or not I can't do nothing about it. It was not my fault.
I can see these struggles in life as a perfect lesson on what to avoid to seek happiness.

Love you dad.

 

[thejoyprovider]

Started to slowly play around the terms gay, and keeping a secret and I saw a totally psycho point of him unfold. He became stressed start drinking water excesivelly and then started becoming more and more violent.

Memories of him hitting my mother started emerging.My mother around the corner shouting help. The police that came into the house.

We were never in peace with that person.

He convinced me that my mother was the crazy one and mentally ill but it was him that was hitting her.

Because propably my mother knew that he was gay.

Pure evil.

 

[thejoyprovider]

Yesterday I told him that he knows what he knows and that it is not his fault and started acting weird. He stayed up all night and next day morning he cleaned the whole house. Also he tried to find a way to blame him self for this and that and I told him to cut the crap.

Interesting shit goin on.

 

[anthony]

It is quite normal to perpetuate abuse, which is why it's called the abuse cycle. Child is abused, become a parent, they abuse their child, child becomes a parent, they abuse their child, and on the cycle goes until someone chooses to break it.

 

[hailstorm]

Could his self-blame be his way of trying to open up to you and admit his guilt? This may be the start of an open dialogue for the both of you. Possibly a start to finding out the truth. Are you ready for this to unfold?

 

[thejoyprovider]

I want to know. Yes. Also I noticed I get sexually aroused when he is around. This always happened but now I am realising it.That might be a sign of serious child abuse.

He starts watching my songs (I am an artist) from his room and today he was wearing cologne. The guy is a complete psycho I might say and he used to beat my mother so much. He also beated up me and I start getting weird flashbacks now.

I don't know what to say. The moment I saw him at this website all the pieces fitted in. If I did not choose to live my carreer for a moment to come back to my home I would have never knowed. So its a good thing.