Childhood Found out some news... abuser is very ill

[Deleted member 8714]

@Scott88 , back to your topic. I'd feel two ways about finding out that my father was very ill. Delighted and empathy. So bizarre to say I'd be split about it. Yet it's true. I'd pray for him as well. My father was the psychopath without empathy toward me or others. I am not like him however I'd still be divided in my feelings about him being on his death bed.

 

[Esterio]

I watched the meanest man I have ever known house burn down with him in it. I was asked to leave by a cop on seen. I was dancing in the street that night and feeling terribly guilty the next day and still do today over 40 years latter. Several people saw how happy I was at his death, now what do they think of me. I don't think we should feel happy or glad when anyone dies. I think the feeling of relief that they can't hurt anyone any more is a better one to carry.

 

[Freida]

I think I got off lucky there - my bad guy wasn't someone I cared for. There are no mixed emotions for me to deal with, so it's easy for me to say I hope he dies a slow painful brutal death and I'll happily watch.

I couldn't imagine this being someone who also sometimes cared for me. That has got to be .......yep. no words. Other than bringing me a new level of understanding for me what you all are going through

 

[Mee]

It's funny how timing works. I.learned my rapist had an operation recently and is ok but not enjoying recovery. I.learnrd this from a beloved friend who I trust.who still hears of rapist via social media.

How do I feel? In practise? Nothing. A bit annoyed. The rapist is talking about a year off for something where recovery is usually less than six months. Typical. They have been drowned where others have been shipwrecked. My friend was frustrated that they got lots of sympathy and I reminded my friend we did not know before either. It's ok.

I feel.... Nothing. Avoidance maybe? I just think poor them having to.exaggerate this issue for sympathy. It's all.they have.

 

[moolala]

...Death beings freedom from fear for us and others from that abuser/perp... freedom from guilt for not reporting. Or Safety from fear of repercussions.

I relate to this a lot. At the time my abuser (family member) died, I felt so much relief (though at the time I didn't fully understand why because I thought I had made up my memories.) I was a teenager but the only thing I remember about his funeral is how I got to wear a new dress and I liked it so much, and that my older sister was cheerful. While it was hard to see some of my family genuinely mourn him, most had mixed feelings. He was not a pleasant man in general: racist, unkind, controlling and neurotic.

His death gave me freedom from having to see him every day, and eventually it gave me the freedom to accept and begin to heal from what he did to me. I wouldn't have been able to do that if he hadn't died, and even then it took me years. Today I am happy he is dead, and I feel NO remorse about that. Not an ounce. I hope he suffered. I am aware he felt no guilt and he told my parents that I was a shitty, pathologically-lying child to cover up his abuse--something that f**** up my relationship with my parents to this day. As I was young and my parents trusted him so much more over me, I have bigger issues with trust and relationships that I have had to work very hard on so they don't affect my adult life.

But saying you don't know "how to" feel suggests there's only one way or a "right" way. I don't think there's a "right" way, or that you should feel certain things or even just one thing! Everybody's a different person, and you could be in shock. And you don't have to try to figure out what your feelings are and whether you should feel them, for right now you could just try to "feel your feelings." And accept that this is kind of a big moment. And you might have mixed feelings or mood swings. A friend or T or person you trust could be able to listen to you in person & give you more comfort. That's just my two cents though. I wish you the best <3

 

[Still Standing]

The one person that hurt me the most, was my mother. When she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and she had only a few months to live, it was simply a matter-of-fact emotion. I went to see her in the hospital and care center (1 time each) but that was only more to support my siblings than her. When she died, I shed no tears. I didn't even waste effort or time on hating her. When she passed it was like an end of an era and I no longer had to be concerned with her. There was a sense of relief. There were to be no more upsets and false accusations and having to listen to her stories of hate and suspicions. I was free.

So, I guess I share my experience to encourage you to not hold yourself to any specific emotions toward your abuser. If you have some, fine, recognize it/them but don't feel obligated to take on others that are false. Funerals and death can be a time when influence by other's feelings, reactions, and expectations can make you want to "adopt" them for yourself so you "look" the part. Be aware. You are not obligated to feel any certain way over your abuser's death. If you have no reaction, let it be. But, do understand that you no longer have to deal with further threat from the guy. It is over. It is time to focus on you and your emotional healing.

 

[Esterio]

I just don't think it is good for my soul to be happy at anyones death. But I totally understand people being happy at their perpetrator bad luck.