Freaking Out About My Daughter's Age

[catjudo]

I had a triggering event yesterday and I can feel my PTSD kicking into high gear.

It's summer vacation and my daughter is signed up for several activities or day camps that are spread throughout the summer to keep her occupied. She's an only child of a single mom...it's great to have opportunities for her to get out and have fun with other kids.

This week she has been attending a karate camp that is all day, every day. It is at a facility and with leaders that we are familiar with...she took classes there throughout the past school year. I haven't always seen eye to eye with the way that the owner chooses to communicate with the kids, but it was nothing significant...just a difference of opinion and I do consider the owner to be a good person with great intentions. Some of our differences, I truly believe, are just cultural differences. My daughter has always had a good time there, has wanted to continue attending and she had begged to be able to go to a week of their day camp.

The camp this week has not been as enjoyable as my daughter had hoped for. There were some concerns about how the camp was being led to make sure all the kids were included and having a good time. I tried discussing it with one of the owners who seemed quite nonchalant about it and had very little to offer in terms of how to make the situation better. Yesterday there was a culminating event that led my daughter to be upset, consequently making me upset and ready to rally and protect her. I should say that in no way was she in danger or was anything really inappropriate being done...this is just a camp that is not being run the best way that it could and I felt badly for my daughter. It made my heart hurt to hear her so sad about a camp that was supposed to be giving her some fun and enjoyment. I jumped in to sort things out with the owners and let them know that I did not care for the way things were being handled. I decided my daughter would not return for the rest of the camp this week and that I would take her myself to do some fun things to make up for what she would miss by not being at camp the last two days.

But while all of this was going on and I was working to sort through her account of what was happening at the camp, things started to crash in on me and I had a horrible realization. The first thing to come crashing in on me was the realization that (again, I know my daughter was safe at this camp, just not happy and having a great time) at seven-years-old my daughter is now doing more and more things when I am not with her all the time. And while her safety was not the issue at the moment, what if it ever were...I can no longer being 100% sure that someone isn't hurting her. I'm not with her every moment to protect her like I was when she was young. I started panicking and freaking out.

This led me to remember an incident a few years ago when my daughter made a comment about male anatomy that I freaked out about because there was no logical reason she should know what she seemed to know. For the following week I was in complete meltdown, freak out mode trying to determine what exactly she knew and how she knew it. The only thing that kept me from completely losing it was the fact that she had not been without me in any kind of time or setting that would have allowed for someone to interact with her inappropriately...but still I was doubting myself and freaking out. Finally it was my psychiatrist who helped me get to the bottom of things and figure out the source of her statement and the insignificance and innocence of it all.

But yesterday, as my PTSD was kicking in and my panic was setting in I realized that if such a situation were to occur again, no matter how innocent, I could no longer say with all certainty that she hadn't been in a situation where someone might have had access to her to do something inappropriate or hurtful. Yep folks, this is my mind running away with the what-ifs.

And all of this leads me to my final realization that my daughter is seven. That is the same age I was when my mother married my step/adoptive father...the man who sexually abused me. I have no memory of how old I was when the abuse started, but logically I know it had to be at age seven or older. That was the final straw...totally freaking out about my daughter's age now. And now I'm in this slippery slope of panic and bad memories. I feel like I'm spiraling down to a place I don't want to be.

 

[Nicolette]

I don't really know what advise to offer Catjudo. As my abuse started at 6 years of age I can appreciate your concern.

I'm listening..... all I can offer for now sorry. I feel the need to say that while hard, not everyone is one of your parents, you do a marvelous job as a parent and I hope you can come to some acceptance of that reality. Your daughter is not in the uncontrolled and abusive situation you were in.

The hardest part of parenting I have found is the letting go of control in order for them to grow while trying to protect them. I hope you find some resolution within yourself as I feel that I would try to come to a win-win situation as over-protection can be socially damaging for your daughter. Such a dilemma. I sincerely hope you don't spiral downwards and entwine your history with your daughter's different path. She has a loving, protective and caring mother beside her.......

I say this with kindness and concern - not to upset you further. ((Hugs))

 

[Srain]

(((((((((((((((Catjudo))))))))))))))))

I hurt for you going through these feelings and fears, nobody should have to fear these things for their precious child especially from their own horrid experience, I'm so sorry.

I have gone through something similar when my boys were around that same age. It was difficult to say the least, I chose to educate them on good touch/bad touch, who the safe people were in their lives, etc. Right or wrong this was my decision as a parent after speaking to several others and professionals about my concerns. I certainly am not suggesting this for you or anyone else just relaying my own experience.

 

[Zef]

Catjudo,
I have a 10-year-old daughter and a son just turning 7 and identify with what you are going through. . .and I don't have an easy answer for you. Our kids do need to go out in the world and deal with situations themselves in order to develop the skills many of us never have. . .but it is hard ofr those of us who were traumatized as children to do that.

I can mention some of the things my wife and I have done that seems to have helped us and hopefully something will resonate with you:

1. We get to know the parents of our kids friends.
2. We trust out gut feelings
3. We have worked on our own perspective regarding how many predators that are actually out there to help us realize that the risk is probably lower than what our anxieties are telling us they are.
4. We train our children to say 'No' to anyone if they are uncomfortable, no matter who they are. (Side benefit: They don't get bullied much by their peers.) :)
5. We try to create an environment where they can talk about anything with us. . .and when we sense reluctance to talk to us, we don't necessarily push them, but we also don't let it drop until we understand the reluctance.

One other one, that many might not consider healthy or appropriate, is that we do not let them join any religious based youth activities. Predators seem to flock to these organizations, in our opinion and experience, and we see them as the greatest potential risk to our children. The organization itself may be awesome, but they also make prime hunting grounds for predators. . .so we don't let our kids play in hunting grounds.

 

[KP the nut]

(((Catjudo))), because of your history, it is no wonder you are on high alert.

There is no easy answer. Zef had some great ideas. My girls are grown now, but one of the things we had in place and may be of use.

• With your daughter, choose a safe word. Something she can remember. I think at one time we used 'butterfly'. If someone other than my H or I had to collect my girls unexpectedly, we would give them the safe word. My girls would ask for the word and if it wasn't given they would not go with the person. Once the safe word has been used, it should be changed. H and I did use that and the girls did ask for the safe word.
• Your daughter is only 7. If she is unhappy about an activity, stop it until she is happy and wants to go back to it. It may be never.
• Be as open as possible with her, giving straight answers where possible. Within her understanding, there should be no taboo subjects. (Aged 7 & 9, I had an embaressing conversation with mine about condoms - they had seen a machine in a service area toilet).

Also as Zef said, trust your gut. I have a good friend and I would have had no problem leaving my girls with her. Her H on the other hand, no evidence, just a gut feeling so I never left them there if he was around.

It is hard to let them go and it is hard to teach them about the world without scaring them.

It sounds though as if you will do fine, recognising the issue as you have.

 

[BigBear]

Cat Judo,

You've been such a stabilizing and safe factor here, I never even thought to look and see that you were a sufferer. :oops:

Bear

 

[BigBear]

...And now I'm in this slippery slope of panic and bad memories. I feel like I'm spiraling down to a place I don't want to be.

Cat,

I think that part of what you are up against is the fear that you are letting your daughter down. Fear that she'll get hurt and it will be your fault. I think that's a big one for many parent sufferers. It sure is for Angel... I am constantly having to pull the pieces back together from these (not that I mind all that much).

I guess I just want to say: Yes, we do have to protect them. Yes, you are doing a great job. And that I'm thinking of you and your daughter and hoping for some rest for your both in this tough moment!

Bear

 

[catjudo]

Thanks for all of the responses. I'm aware of the struggle to allow my daughter enough freedom to grow, develop and just be a kid but still balance that with my need to protect her. I'm terrified of screwing up and making a wrong choice.

My father (my abuser) is the kind of guy people love. He is friendly, outgoing and fun. He is seemingly great with kids. Seriously, people who do not know of his past would never in a million years guess it about him. He comes across as so normal, trustworthy and enjoyable to be around. Of the friends (and family for that matter) that I have who do know my past, when they were told they became so conflicted because they really like him and it was difficult to reconcile the guy they knew to the sick, abusive father that I was describing. That is not to say that they didn't believe me, just to illustrate how differently he portrays to people who don't know our secrets.

I think that is what scares me the most. I know that no one, no matter how well you think you know them, no matter how safe they seem, can be very different from what you think. I'm terrified of trusting the wrong person and my daughter getting hurt because of my poor judgement. If someone ever hurts her, I can't go back and undo it. There are no do-overs for something like this. I realize that there aren't as many sick, abusive people in the world as it feels/seems like...but all it takes is one. All it takes is for me to trust one wrong person. If I were to trust the wrong person and my daughter got hurt I don't think I could live with myself.

 

[Nicolette]

I think if it was easy as identifying an abuser more than half of us suffering childhood trauma wouldn't be here... That entwined with being surrounded by adults who were willing, able and competent enough to protect children.

Be proud of your concerns Catjudo. May you find a path that promotes safety, trust and the space for your daughter to grow and reach her potential without any afflictions.