Friends Suddenly Hate Me

[Juicepaw]

Hello, I hope someone can relate to this.

It happens every month, sometimes more insistently than others. I can see I am a very likable yet slightly shy person, and I treasure my friendships very much. However, it happens that one day I have the feeling that somebody doesn't like me anymore, and I start obsessing over it.

It happens by chance, mostly due to a lack or a lower amount of "friendship signs" on the other part (not hearing a usual nickname or seeing a sign of affection I am used to...). After that I start obsessing and I look for confirmation in order to convince myself I am wrong, but that doesn't happen. I read every sign negatively and cannot stop thinking I have lost this person's affection. The "attack" fades at the moment I get one of the usual signs mentioned above, but when this does not happen I can go on in pain for days.

I have a past of anxiety disorders not completely healed and I was diagnosed with PTSD and OCD for other reasons. I am feeling way better but little-big obsession are hard to get rid of completely. Help. Is it all in my brain?

 

[illusionist]

As you mentions that it happens every month, is it possible this is related to your cycle?

I know myself that symptoms I have can be worse from day 14 to day 28. Maybe keeping a diary for a few months may show a pattern? Of course, it can fluctuate depending on how much stress I am having on each month...but I still feel a change of sorts, even when I have lowered Ptsd months.

 

[jaccat]

This used to hapen to me regularly too. Particularly when I hit the bottom of a depression cycle. It was all wrapped up with how I felt about myself. If I didn't like myself how could anybody else? I remember sitting in a room watching a movie with a group of housemates and the whole time thinking they're laughing at me, I don't belong here, why are they even putting up with me? My paranoia was spiking, I felt like I was being stared at and laughed at.

Truth was it was none of it true. My friends wanted me there because they liked me, they enjoyed my company. They certainly had no idea what was going on in my head at the time.

Perhaps make a list of positive things you can refer to at times like these. Accomplishments, traits, things you've done for other people, things other people have done for you, other positive influences. You'll probably find making the list really hard, but keep trying. Keep it somewhere you can refer back to when you are feeling like this to remind youself you are worthy of friends.

 

[Friday]

So you've got 2 solid pieces to start working on:

- Happens monthly
- Depending on 'friendship signs' to get you out of it

1. Monthly, is probably hormonal, since you're female. 2 options there: play around with your hormones (birth control pills come in a wide variety of hormone doses & ratios), or start planning for it.

2. Depending on your own self, instead of what someone else may or may not do, to get you out of it.

All easier said than done. But 2 ways to flank a problem gives you options, and even 1 solid way is better than none.

 

[Sandstone]

Could you explain this to one of your close friends when you are confident everything is OK? If they understand and can agree to re-assure you next time it happens, it may be enough to help you break out of the cycle.

You'd need to work out how to say it so it doesn't sound like an accusation.

 

[Ronin]

Would redefining friendship signs lead anywhere?

Or going by 'if they don't outright tell me there's something wrong, safe to assume we're fine together, they're just living their lives'? As, looking for which other factors in their lives may be mattering, that aren't you?

 

[Juicepaw]

Guys, thank you for the answers! It really helps to find some sense in it.

First off, as some of you said, yes, it's probably hormonal. My cycle is very messed up and I have other symptoms as well, so I see your point. It happened in the past to go full crazy (actually believing ALL my friends and loved ones were conspiring against me. Got over it).

After thinking about it, redefining friendship signs and finding a way to get out of it relying just on myself seems to be the thing to do. I already have a little mantra which sometimes fails ("snap out of it!"), but I will work on it.

Thank you again for your help!!

 

[blackemerald1]

I think I understand what you mean. Is it the intensity of the feeling and the time it goes on for, is there a trigger (s) that is a constant in this pattern that has become established?

Everyone wants to be liked but hell, "friends" and I mean real "friends" are few and far between.

Sometimes people are so pre-occupied with themselves and their own dramas, they forget the usual things they do, like using your nickname or other simple but almost auto responses. For instance I think it is pretty well known when someone says "Hello how are you?" They actually don't want a conversation about how you (really are), its just a common thing that is said. Silly but true.

I agree with the hormonal suggestion by @FridayJones, keeping a diary is a great idea too, see if the same thoughts start and when and write down what they are,,,,you might find out that your body is feeling lousy and affecting your mood, leading to these feelings.

Please also remember that feelings can be worked on and changed. Thoughts founded on facts are much more likely to be helpful.

Also, the saying "You choose your friends, they don't choose you" Is so, so true. Try and give yourself some space between the trigger and the feeling, like reminding yourself when you are starting to convince yourself that one or more of your friends do not like you, start over-riding that with a mantra like,"lets see what happens tomorrow" Put it into your head a simple thought, very short but think it repeatedly even when you are becoming totally convinced.

Being shy and having had OCD might be doing this to you too.

Maybe, it is a combination of your body and your brain. I think the other forum members are right, check both out.

 

[Changing4Best]

A friend of mine told me once that she has observed that I take things way too personally. This is something that I had to agree with, once I looked over the whole situation and the usual way I react to things. I try not to be that way, knowing this, but it really is this way with me. And it is very hard for me to not be like this, as it seems to be part of my personality. Maybe it is just part of our illness in general, I don't know.

 

[ihateusernames]

I agree with others because this is a PMS symptom for me. I didn't realize it until it had been going on for years and years. Now I try really hard to keep to myself and keep telling myself that it will pass when it pops up. It used to be friends I assumed had grown a sudden dislike for me, or I would think that they were faking the whole time we were friends. Then I would be convinced my boyfriend was going to break up with me, or wanted me to break up with him. Now a days I get the idea in my head that my husband doesn't want anything to do with me and that he's only sticking around out of convenience. I don't know how to turn the thoughts off or keep them from surfacing to begin with, but recognizing them for what they are and not allowing myself to act on them has helped quite a bit in getting past them.

 

[Juicepaw]

Thank you all, additional commenters. I have to say that a mantra always helps a great deal. When I wrote this post (yesterday) I was in deep pain due to the mentioned reasons, but I decided to try out some of your suggestions. The result is that the feeling is not completely gone but it's way easier to deal with it.

For anyone with the same problem, what helped was repeating to myself "snap out of it", actually singing it in my head. It is an actual song (Arctic Monkeys!) and singing always helps me keep the drama away in moments of need. I often sing to myself when I feel I am getting close to a serious anxiety episode or during those times when one is weaker and old symptoms come up. Singing in a 'funny' way helps not taking yourself too seriously... I might write a new thread about this, might be helpful for others.

I thought loads about actually relying on oneself rather than on external stimulation. After all it's all there is, right? Sometimes a few minutes of power posing can help as well...