From Friends To Dating, Blackouts And Infidelity

[Sim915]

For around 6 months now I've been very close to somebody as friends, however we've both got feelings for each other. I've been with her through the resurfacing of all her old memories, and it's been incredibly rough for her but I've been happy to be there with her, helping her get through - she's now attending EMDR sessions to help process the memories, so she's beginning to make serious progress. She's been fearful of beginning a relationship because of the original events that she suppressed, however has said that she would start a relationship with somebody when she was comfortable.

The nature of the resurfacing of her repressed memories (from 5 years ago) has also resurfaced old personality traits from when she was a teenager that she's found difficult to keep under control, mainly a more impulsive side. She engages in self-destructive behaviours more readily, especially so when under the influence of alcohol (understandably).

So two nights ago, she went out for an early 21st birthday celebration, and ended up getting black out drunk. Given how the impulsive side is stronger when drunk, she was understandably distressed about not knowing what she did and so I went over to hers to console her. She ended up telling me that she physically felt as if she'd had sex with a guy the previous night. I spent the rest of the night talking it over with her and making sure she was okay, and today we found out from a friend she was with that they both went back with a group of guys they knew to catch up; despite her initially not wanting to go she followed along because she vehemently hates letting people down, which she felt she would have been doing with her friend.

I've been a mess today - despite being just friends, everything about how we are together is like we're in a relationship but without the label itself. She's felt awful about how it would make me feel ever since it happened, and I've been talking it through with her still - she's been incredibly apologetic and thinks the worst of herself for what she's done. She's said she's stopping drinking at least until she's processed the resurfaced thoughts and the old personality traits have less influence on her. There's no doubt I'm staying friends with her to help her through her struggles, however I wanted to ask this forum's opinion on whether I should still consider a relationship with her.

Thanks for taking the time to read!

Addendum: albeit not a relationship, she had previously said to me that she would not do anything with any other guy because she said she's not like that. Part of my difficulty in still considering a relationship with her in the future comes from the breaking of that trust.

 

[Friday]

however I wanted to ask this forum's opinion on whether I should still consider a relationship with her.

What I'm reading is that you're hurt she may have made out with or had sex with someone, but don't feel you have the right to be hurt, since the two of you have not only made no commitments of fidelity to each other... But have very specifically not made the commitment of being in a romantic - exclusive relationship.

I would hold onto that last one, personally. It's fairly natural to be jealous... Even when there is no right to be. Happens all the time. But until such a time as the two of you do make a commitment to each other? There is no commitment. You may want there to be, & she may want there to be, but there isn't. And for good reason. Making commitments to others changes the game. It adds a degree of responsibility to protect that relationship, to abide by different rules, to behave in such a way that always places the other person in the first line of consideration; how would this affect them? For many people dealing with trauma they can't even handle responsibility towards themselves, are learning to manage themselves, being responsible for a whole other person? Is quite simply beyond them at this time. First learn to handle themselves then get into a relationship.

You may love her with all your heart; but until she agrees to be in a relationship with you, she doesn't owe you her fidelity. It's, very literally, not about you.

Unless you choose to make it about you. Unless you choose to hold her to standards she hasn't agreed to.

 

[Whyteferret]

Hi Sim..
She's in a really vulnerable spot right now. And you are doing great at supporting her, especially not putting pressure on her for something more,than she's ready for.

My thought is to keep giving it time. Certainly keep yourself open to a relationship at some point but understand that it may or may not happen. It may take a lot of time. from what,you described, some of what she's going through is some deep issues with self esteem and being able to say no comfortably. It makes sense. In CSA, "no" doesn't work. The child is often dependent on the adult or sees the adult as an authority figure. That can carry into adulthood.

Healing will be a process. In part, it's discovering a new identity, post trauma. Or building one. It'll go in stages.

 

[Sim915]

What I'm reading is that you're hurt she may have made out with or had sex with someone, but don't...

She knows with certainty that she had sex with someone - thought I'd clarify that first so I'm going to edit the post to reflect that for the sake of being entirely clear.

Thank you for your response, it has put things in perspective with me. It's obviously still hurting and I'm likely struggling to think clearly as a result, but what you've said makes a lot of sense.

My only qualm with what you've said (my fault as I didn't specify in the original text) is that she'd previously said that nothing like this would happen with any other guy. This was discussed because of our mutual awareness of our feelings for each other, and the knowledge of how she gets when drunk. I'm finding it difficult because of what she claimed she wouldn't do, when her actions contradicted that.

 

[Sim915]

Hi Sim..
She's in a really vulnerable spot right now. And you are doing great at supporting her, e...

Thanks for your response, and that entirely makes sense. Giving it time is definitely a good idea, and I'll continue to help her regardless while I sort things out on my part.

Again thank you for your input!

 

[Friday]

she'd previously said that nothing like this would happen with any other guy.

To be hyper literal for a moment...

...the friendship & feelings you have for each other I very much doubt = a blackout shag with a stranger.

What I would personally take the above statement to mean is that she's not going to be intentionally dating anyone else. Nor looking for f*ckbuddies, hooking up with people, or casual sex via other avenues.

It doesn't mean it won't happen. And, quite frankly, as it has happened -when she didn't want it to*- really underscores that it's very smart for her to not be in a relationship right now. Shite for impulse control, and not thinking things through -not being able to think things through- is very, very common with trauma. As is having crap for boundaries; like going along somewhere you don't want to so as not to hurt someone else's feelings, even though you're piss drunk and really, really shouldn't. Impulse control, planning ahead, boundaries... These are all things that a lot of us have to relearn from scratch. And a whole lot more.

Being in a relationship? Kicks everything up to a whole new level of stress. Instead of just hurting ourselves? Getting blackout drunk, having sex we didn't plan on, and didn't want to have, with someone we never would have, in a place we didn't want to be in the first place? Is a very difficult thing in and of itself. WTF? Why the hell would I do this? Add a relationship? That's no longer "just" sorting out how trauma is effecting impulse control, boundaries, having a sense of what's dangerous & what's not an awareness of the future, and all the other pieces that tie in (and there can be a lot, depending on what her trauma(s) was/were... But betraying someone by cheating on them? Is a whole other level of f*cked up.

JMO

* Doesn't mean rape, by the by. The way PTSD can affect our thought processes is in some ways similar to how alcohol affects thought processes. If you've ever done something whilst drunk you would never do sober? It's similar to that. Except you don't sober up. Instead, it's a lot more like learning to handle your booze. To continue the parallel, how you might have behaved when you first started drinking & it was all new & no tolerance whatsoever... To several years later. When you no longer act the fool, plan for taking a cab home instead of thinking you can drive, don't get pissed when you have to get up early the next day, and it would take a lot more than a pint to even get a buzz, much less running down the streets naked carrying a torch singing the national anthem and declaring your love to random lampposts. The human mind & heart is an amazing thing. We can learn to deal with sooooo much. Can learn to adapt. Can learn to monitor our actions & emotions. But it takes time. Until who we are reflects who we want to be. Until we can trust ourselves.

 

[Sim915]

To be hyper literal for a moment...

...the friendship & feelings you have for each other I very mu...

Might I say you're very eloquently written! You've conveyed everything very well and given me an even greater perspective and for that I want to thank you. I previously thought I understood the impulse control impairment, but the way you've described it opens my eyes so much more to how she'll likely be feeling.

Although I am currently still feeling hurt about her contradiction of the pseudo-fidelity that was established, I can see now that it's not entirely rational of me. Even if it was set in stone, you're right in saying that might not be a good thing to place on her right now. I'm treating this with too much consideration to myself, when I should be making sure that she's coping with what she did - especially knowing how much she regrets it.

The most important thing here is how she's feeling, and I appreciate beyond belief your assistance in guiding me back to that. :)

Thank you again!

 

[The Albatross]

You're empathizing her consequence before she is... a casualty of the closeness of the relationship I expect. She's retelling the incident as she recollects it... but you're hurting for her ... of course because you care. I had to cut two very long term relationships because rather than come to personal terms with their disturbances and lapses, they called me on the back end. On several occasions during when my friend was so impaired she had no comprehension of where she even was...

In good conscience I had to cut them both loose because I could see that in spite of the depth of my caring, they weren't inclined to deviate from their hardwiring. My separation was their consequence and they are both largely doing well right now... so far as I know/last ran into mutual acquaintanceships.

If you are indeed a friend, you do your friend a disservice in shying away from more difficult topics. You can inadvertently set a pattern into motion that enables the behavior.

Am I a hard ass? Yes. Did I have hard ass friends who called me out on my own shit? Yes.

Youth and a still maturing mind is one thing, but your own personal involvement with her actions is something else altogether. You're a mess. Why? Because you care about her and you're in the front row of her circus.

 

[mobius1]

For around 6 months now I've been very close to somebody as friends, however we've both got feelings for...

BLESS YOU ! sim. it sounds like my own experience 'spitting' when i went to my 'freind/lover. it sounds like she dissociciated . i am relieved to know someone else is triggered by stress and healed with real sexual satisfaction. i know it helps clear the gunk, and refocus. i have been able to identify 2 'alter's, and understand the distortion because of the opportunity to not have to be so repressed. i would say she is BLESSED to have you there, as long as you do care. good luck.

 

[Sim915]

You're empathizing her consequence before she is... a casualty of the closeness of the relationshi...

Thanks for your response! However I would like to say that I make no effort to shy away from difficult topics, I ask her to tell me everything she's comfortable with, and to disregard the feelings we have for each other in doing so - no matter how it may make either of us feel, I want her to be able to talk to me about it all. She struggles with feeling secluded in terms of the people that she can talk to about it, and I hope to remain somebody that she can talk to about any aspect of it.

This is the reason she felt able to tell me about the guy she slept with that night, and why I sat and talked her through it the entire day when she did! It was only after leaving her that I started to feel (irrationally) egocentric in terms of a problem that was hers to confront, and not one that I should confront her about; instead, having been shown the bigger picture, I'm resolved to make sure she's coping with it well above all else.

 

[The Albatross]

K, yet YOU are a mess?

 

[Sim915]

K, yet YOU are a mess?

That was before @FridayJones gave me a reality check and put my ego back in place. No matter what was agreed between us in terms of other people, I realise that having any such 'restriction' could have just made her feel worse as a result of what she did. I'm no longer a mess because I once again see the bigger picture, and I'm not claiming that I had any right to be a mess before. But that was my knee-jerk reaction to the situation because of our closeness.