Putting pieces together. I started running away actually when I was a toddler. I first had to break down the crib I was left in for hours at a time, then make my way downstairs and out the door and across the street. It took a while till anyone noticed my *absence. But that became a routine in later years - at 13 I started habitually running away from *home*. I ran to mountains, deserts, any place that didn't have the reek of the insanity I had known as *home*. Then I ran across country and then I ran across continents. Always running from the disease. Finally I just accepted that I wouldn't be able to outrun it and just stayed in whatever situation came. I stayed in war zones. I stayed while rocks were being thrown at me. I stayed while fires were being set to get me to move. I stayed because I couldn't run anymore and my body was breaking down. I just couldn't run anymore physically. But in my mind - I run all the time.
Dissociating from this world - to the extent where I am now losing track of time. It happened again on Friday. I had no clue it was Friday. I thought it was Thursday. I went into complete shock to find out that I had again lost time. There were no drugs or substances involved as weren't during previous times. Just simply being off-track.
This is a scary place to be - not having a place nor having time and matter itself in terms of my body is now also failing me. I take this as an omen to be a dissolving of sorts. All reality is now collapsing, what was once, is no longer. The end or the beginning - it becomes one. I look and see a world I want no part of anyway. Yet, I'm in the hands of my Creator and sing Halleluya for the breath I have, the coffee in my mug, the gifts I've been given and the cognizance to be aware of what is most the time.
Dissociating from this world - to the extent where I am now losing track of time. It happened again on Friday. I had no clue it was Friday. I thought it was Thursday. I went into complete shock to find out that I had again lost time. There were no drugs or substances involved as weren't during previous times. Just simply being off-track.
This is a scary place to be - not having a place nor having time and matter itself in terms of my body is now also failing me. I take this as an omen to be a dissolving of sorts. All reality is now collapsing, what was once, is no longer. The end or the beginning - it becomes one. I look and see a world I want no part of anyway. Yet, I'm in the hands of my Creator and sing Halleluya for the breath I have, the coffee in my mug, the gifts I've been given and the cognizance to be aware of what is most the time.
