I have vent out some of my frustrations before I have a relaps and end up being hospitalized. For the past week I have been sleeping with a knife in my bed. I did this when I was a teenager hopeing to stab myself in my sleep. Now I am doing to protect myself from the nightmares. Since I started doing this I have slept through the night. I am afraid to tell my wife that I am doing this because it doesn't make sense that doing this is giving me comfort. I know that dreams can not hurt you but these flashbacks are so real. I wish that I could die so I do not have to live through the pain. I have four kids and wife so I have more than my share to live for (17,10,8,3 years old). Has anyone ever done things to comfort themselves that anyone who was normal may consider it strange? I have my weekly meeting with my therapist this week and I will tell him about the knife if I make it that long.
I have started disassociating again to the point where I wake up in different parts of the house holding the knife. I keep thinking I see the attacker but I get to realty before anything happens. My attacker has been dead for about 10 years so I know he is not going to hurt me again but he lives in my mind daily. Everyone tells me to move past this but for some reason I can't. I would give anything to be back to the way I was 5 months ago when I had my melt down. At least then I was not having any flash backs but I was disassociating on a daily basis. I do not know which is worst but not having flash backs would be great.
Sorry for the confusion in my post it is hard to type out what I am feeling and keep things on one subject. I do not want to commit suicide but I feel this would make things better for everyone. I am close to loosing my wife because I have distance myself from all the people who care about me. She has read a couple of postings I have found and asked if this sounds like us and she thought they didd. She has a good firm foundation that has helped me get through things but now we are hung up were I am pushing her farther away. She has told me that I have mentally abuse her and I can see that when I look back at our time together. I look at it as I have abused her (mentally) to make myself better, and I have done the same thing to my oldest. I see myself pulling everyone in when things are going good and pushing away as soon as anything goes wrong.:dontknow: I have threatened her that if she left that I would not be in this world to have anyone kick me around. I cheated on her and she is still here with me but htings are getting harder and harder as I don't act like I am cured. I know I am never going to be cured but functioning would be a great improvement. I do have a full time job and she works early morning hours delivering news papers. So I am the bread winner in the family and I am having issues at work that scare me. I feel like I can not work like I use to. Every thing is a challenge and I use to do things on insticnt. One co-worker suggested disability. I wish I could but we would lose the house and that would not be a good thing.
I have too many things running in my head at this point so I am going to shut up now.
Thanks,
Kevin
I have started disassociating again to the point where I wake up in different parts of the house holding the knife. I keep thinking I see the attacker but I get to realty before anything happens. My attacker has been dead for about 10 years so I know he is not going to hurt me again but he lives in my mind daily. Everyone tells me to move past this but for some reason I can't. I would give anything to be back to the way I was 5 months ago when I had my melt down. At least then I was not having any flash backs but I was disassociating on a daily basis. I do not know which is worst but not having flash backs would be great.
Sorry for the confusion in my post it is hard to type out what I am feeling and keep things on one subject. I do not want to commit suicide but I feel this would make things better for everyone. I am close to loosing my wife because I have distance myself from all the people who care about me. She has read a couple of postings I have found and asked if this sounds like us and she thought they didd. She has a good firm foundation that has helped me get through things but now we are hung up were I am pushing her farther away. She has told me that I have mentally abuse her and I can see that when I look back at our time together. I look at it as I have abused her (mentally) to make myself better, and I have done the same thing to my oldest. I see myself pulling everyone in when things are going good and pushing away as soon as anything goes wrong.:dontknow: I have threatened her that if she left that I would not be in this world to have anyone kick me around. I cheated on her and she is still here with me but htings are getting harder and harder as I don't act like I am cured. I know I am never going to be cured but functioning would be a great improvement. I do have a full time job and she works early morning hours delivering news papers. So I am the bread winner in the family and I am having issues at work that scare me. I feel like I can not work like I use to. Every thing is a challenge and I use to do things on insticnt. One co-worker suggested disability. I wish I could but we would lose the house and that would not be a good thing.
I have too many things running in my head at this point so I am going to shut up now.
Thanks,
Kevin