Frustrating - can't post what i want

[sun seeker]

I don't know how far a thread on this topic can go, but I just need to vent my frustration and let others do the same if they so desire.

What's frustrating me is that I don't feel safe posting about what is most present for me and I most need support with, even on an anonymous forum, because it would make me too easy to identify and target. I feel like I post about issues that are peripheral to what is really bothering me the most. There is something really getting to me right now that I'd love some support with, and I can't post about it. :banghead::banghead::banghead:

There is nothing anyone can do about this, I'm just frustrated. Anyone else have this problem?

 

[joeylittle]

I know what you mean, @sun seeker. Sometimes I need to ask myself whether anyone would actually go looking for me with enough intent to put together who I am in the world with who I am here; and sometimes, the answer is that I'd rather take the risk and write it out, rather than being afraid of something that has a very small chance of happening.

But, there are other things that I know I can't bring up.

The anonymous forum can be good for those.

And sometimes, if you think a situation through enough, you can come up with a distilled version of it that doesn't need identifying details but still lets you write about it.

Anyway - I hear you.

 

[Friday]

For sure.

Sometimes because I'm too damn fragile to hear what needs to be said, much less what may be said. That's my own issue, and I know it. If I want help with something? First I need to get myself to a place where I'm willing to accept help.

Sometimes it's because it's ...inappropriate. At least to my mind. Especially some of the darker shit. I can talk around it, sometimes, which is useful, because the themes can help find common ground, & work arounds, even if the specifics would cross the line. The problem here I've found is that the devil is often in the details. There's only so much the broad strokes can do. Still, usually a great deal better than nothing.

Sometimes it's because my mind locks. One of the reasons I answer a lot more than I query, even though I'm a damn sink hole of questions & problems I'm trying to work out, is that the best way to flank the brick walls in my head is to be talking with someone else about their stuff. That relaxes the guard on my own mind / if the shit that is in my head may be useful to someone else.

Sometimes because I can't quite verbalize WTF is going on.

Sometimes habit. My MO is to talk about hard things after they've passed, not during. I can talk about almost anything after it's fait accompli. Talking about something that's still in motion? Pfft. So many walls and barriers against that it's stupid.

Sometimes because it's identifying or feels that way.

Sometimes because it's stupid. Yes, I'm gutted by it, but it's absolutely ridiculous, or in theory is a much smaller ticket item than what else I'm dealing with... Even if that's the piece that's killing me.

Sometimes because it's a long damn story.

Sometimes it's because I already know the answer.

Sometimes because it could be worse.

Sometimes because I'm trying to remain positive.

 

[sun seeker]

Sometimes I need to ask myself whether anyone would actually go looking for me with enough intent to put together who I am in the world with who I am here; and sometimes, the answer is that I'd rather take the risk and write it out, rather than being afraid of something that has a very small chance of happening.

Yes, I think about that too, and it raises the issue of how clear my thinking is about the abuse, which leads to the effects of the abuse on my mind, on my sense of safety in the world, on my experience of the perpetrators as all-powerful, etc. Sometimes I think I am making choices as if I were a small child still in danger, and other times I think I am just being realistic.

Some of what happened to me is pretty distinctive. But then, it happened decades ago. I just don't know...

The anonymous forum can be good for those.

Right... don't know why I haven't done that. There is no good reason that comes to mind as to why that shouldn't work, so some of this must be a distortion in my thinking.

I'm very confused and overwhelmed by this right now.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

I'm liking your posts, beautiful @sun seeker, not because I like your dilemma, but because I feel so much the same.:sorry:

There have been times (including today) I've really, really wanted and needed to write out here something that is really pressing on me - and I hold back. (I'm even shaking hard as I write this.)

It would be good to be able to...
:hug:

 

[sun seeker]

I'm liking your posts, beautiful Link Removed, not because I like your dilemma, but because I feel so much the same.

Thank you so much for calling me beautiful... I'm not sure whether to be touched or shocked (beautiful? me?? :eek: )

and I hold back

Do you know what is getting in your way? I'm sorry you are suffering so. Sometimes shaking is a good thing. It releases trauma stuck in the body.

Feel free to PM me if it would feel safe to say whatever it is you need to say that way. It's not the same as getting a whole lot of people's perspectives, but the offer is there if it's helpful to you.

I'm thinking wistfully of how freeing it would be to be able to really talk openly about what happened to me and what I am going through now as a result. This is one of the lasting effects of abuse: it silences the victims while the perpetrators go blissfully along living their lives. I didn't realize until recently how much this affects me, how small my world has become because of it. I'd like to kick off the shackles, and I don't know how many of them are even real and how many are in my imagination. And that is what abuse does to us. At least I can say that much.

 

[sun seeker]

If I want help with something? First I need to get myself to a place where I'm willing to accept help.

Sure. There are certainly times I hold back because of the same issue. It can be too easy to get into a defensive stance of asking for help but rejecting it at the same time, which just frustrates everybody. Better to either wait until we are ready, or post as a vent and make it clear we're not asking for advice.

In this thread my focus was more on not being able to post for fear of being identified by my abusers.

One of the reasons I answer a lot more than I query, even though I'm a damn sink hole of questions & problems I'm trying to work out, is that the best way to flank the brick walls in my head is to be talking with someone else about their stuff. That relaxes the guard on my own mind / if the shit that is in my head may be useful to someone else.

I notice you do that. It's good to hear it helps you. I really enjoy reading your posts. They have such a distinctive perspective and you are knowledgeable about a wide range of subjects.

Sometimes because it's a long damn story.

So I'm not the only one with a complicated life? ;) Sometimes I'd like to ask advice about something, but it would take so much background before anyone would be able to give an informed opinion about it, I just stick to talking to a few people who already know my story. I suppose that's okay.

 

[Seasounds]

I have this concern, as well. Certainly, some good options have been discussed. Absolute protection on the web just doesn't exist, even in the anonymous forum.

Excuse these rather simplistic questions;
Are PMs private?
Can members exchange personal emails?

After reading the above posts, I've come to realize that writing the most blatant version of my concern may be best to write, in my own computer's document.

After that, I may do well to try what @joeylittle said:

And sometimes, if you think a situation through enough, you can come up with a distilled version of it that doesn't need identifying details but still lets you write about it.

This is a technique akin to writing or acting, where you take 'the kernel of truth'-of what you want to talk about (e.g. feeling sad, enraged, terrified, etc.) and embed the kernel of truth in a person and scenario that is close, but not exact.

I hope to read more ideas. Thanks for the thread!

 

[Friday]

In this thread my focus was more on not being able to post for fear of being identified by my abusers.

Ah! My mistake :) When you said

I don't feel safe posting about what is most present for me and I most need support with, even on an anonymous forum, because it would make me too easy to identify and target.

I didn't link that with it being identifying information that your abusers could use to track you down. I was thinking you were talking more along the lines of the blocks our minds throw up (here specifically; although also in therapy, & life in general) to keep things hidden / not processed / not dealt with. That the anon forum ID & target was via other members who know your writing style. Didn't realize you were talking about people data mining the internet or hacking your devices for content & browser history. Those are entirely different issues than the blocks that keep us from talking because we don't feel safe disclosing.

 

[sun seeker]

I realized after answering @joeylittle's post about using the anonymous forum, that even that is available to search engines and the only difference would be that members wouldn't be able to tell it was me. People I don't want knowing that I am talking about the abuse would still be able to find out if I were explicit enough. Just goes to show how confused my thinking is on this issue.

I didn't link that with it being identifying information that your abusers could use to track you down.

Mm... still not quite what I meant. :) There is one specific person I am thinking of, and they already know where I am, I'm not concerned about that. I am not concerned for my physical integrity. What I am concerned about is them identifying me by my story and knowing I am talking, and this is someone who because of a very complicated situation still holds a lot of power over me/my ability to survive. That situation is, I think, about to change, but like a true narcissist this person is taking their own sweet time about it and I feel very vulnerable. Because I am.

I hope that explanation wasn't too cryptic. It's a good example of how I can't post what I want to, though.

 

[Tinyflame]

Agree totally with @FridayJones 's post #3.

 

[sun seeker]

I just wanted to say, even though I still haven't been able to say what it is I can't say, just talking about the fact that I can't say it is very freeing and is helping me see how much of my energy is taken up by having to hide important parts of my life. That, I think, is such a huge part of what any kind of abuse does to many of us because of the insidious dynamics created when an abuser gains so much power over us. I'm sorry so many people can relate, but I'm glad to be able to talk about it, if only in a roundabout way.