General Fubar! hubbies brother will think very lowly of us

[anonymous]

Advice still would be nice.

 

[Sweetpea76]

If they think you are actually scum for a shampoo bottle on the floor then they're assholes. Why bother with worrying if they're judging you? That's not a typical standard of cleanliness, that's unreasonable.

 

[anonymous]

Oh, I think I did a poor job explaining this. The room looked actually very untidy plus a shampoo bottle. BIL cleaned the room up, brought the bottle of shampoo with him like a piece of evidence.
The room really was not very clean, hubby very tired from the day had thrown his dirty clothes on the floor the day before.

Yes and they do have unrealistically high standards of cleanness und judge everybody by that standards. I cannot even count the times they complained about the lack of cleanness.

Dh might need to retreat to another room on Christmas. I do not know yet. It might or might not happen depending on how he feels. My worst fear is having to talk to them and dh not being there. What do I say then? Smalltalk?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Tell them that he feels judged because they're holding him to unrealistic standards.

 

[grimalkin]

Yeah...who goes into someone else's house, goes to the bathroom that is not even the most convenient (and therefore, obviously not meant for guests), cleans up because it's not to THEIR standards, then comes out with "evidence" to berate their so-called loved ones? Yeah no. I don't care if that's how his family is, or that they're "concerned" for him because he's not meeting THEIR standards. That's what we (those of us who don't live up to societal standards regarding all sorts of things like weight, mental health, cleanliness, and general societal expectations) like to call concern-trolling - that is "I'm worried for your HEALTH that's why I'm calling you a disgusting pig."

While I'm all for avoiding confrontation, especially about the holidays, I'd be making a phone call and explaining, "Well, since our lives are too chaotic and we can't get our place up to your standards, I guess we won't be hosting after all." They can decide to host themselves, or f*ck off. If it were me, I'd probably add that last bit in as well. But, well, shit like this just pisses me off.

 

[grimalkin]

P.S. I have a neat freak of a mother - once upon a time I had to tell her that if she couldn't keep her opinions about my cleanliness to herself, she wasn't welcome in MY home.

Now that I'm older, and have started establishing boundaries, and have started actually speaking up for myself, she's actually gotten better. "Your room is so dusty. You need to dust!" "Mom, I just don't care." "Well you should!" "No, mom, no one 'should' care about dust unless they want to. I don't care, don't want to care." And she accepted it. Sort of. A lifetime of crap like that is a hard habit to break, for her and for me. She's starting to learn that being ruled by "shoulds" isn't the kind of life everyone wants to lead.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I'm among the "f*ck off" camp. If somebody is going to come to my home and then judge me they can f*ck straight off. I don't have time for that kind of rudeness in my life.

I have older kids, and my house is still a mess half the time. I have random teenagers in my fridge, sports equipment everywhere, books and shoes in my living room, etc. It's not filth, but there is chaos from kids. You know why? Because I have kids and kids make messes. I probably have an empty shampoo bottle in one of my bathrooms too. I KNOW I could probably find some laundry on the floor somewhere. Life happens. Hell, *I* probably have some of my shoes in the living room too, and I could care less.

The people I care about don't care if my shoes are in the living room. If anybody else does care they can f*ck off out of my house.

 

[anonymous]

Thanks a lot. I would be very happy if his brothers decided to celebrate Christmas on the moon... or at another far away place, but dh was very close with his brothers when he was a kid.
Going NC with them would not be good because he likes them.

Actually it is not only their standards of cleanness but also his. He is actually cleaning a lot and thinks everybody else is unclean. Now he was in the position to be unclean.

 

[anonymous]

So the brother was quite nice this time. I am not sure what to make of it. Maybe he decided to change. Who knows, he is still young. Sometimes young people change for the better... maybe he realized he acted silly for most of his life right until now...
He used to be such a PITA.... or is he feeling really, really, really sorry for us.

It confuses me a bit and I am not sure how to treat him now.

 

[Friday]

Who knows, he is still young. Sometimes young people change for the better... maybe he realized he acted silly for most of his life right until now...
He used to be such a PITA.... or is he feeling really, really, really sorry for us.

Boys & men often give each other a lot of grief as a way to say “I love you”. Whilst the relationship between brothers will always be different than the relationship you share with them, it’s also possible that he’s clued into the fact that giving his brother a hard time

A) Is also giving YOU a hard time (oops)
B) May not always be appropriate in a family setting anymore... where there are wives and children present, instead of just “the boys”.

Aka, instead of feeling sorry for you? Or fundamentally changing.? He may just be growing up.

Which means I would expect him to still be a jerk to your husband, his brother, on a fairly regular basis. Just not in every situation he is in with his brother anymore.

When men in a family wake up one day & realize that they’re not “the kids” anymore? But role models, and figures of authority? The adults in a family? (Takes most men years past the kids being born, we love them dearly, but in some things they’re not quite bright.) They tend to shift into mischievous joking around when the nieces and nephews and wives are around, and save the hardcore stuff for after bedtime, or when they think they’re alone, or in greeting/leaving.

I’m generalizing, for sure. This is my experience and observation of young men becoming Men. They retain who they are. They simply modify when, where, and how much of certain behaviors they show.