Gaslighting: Protecting Yourself

[Philippa]

I used to do the same thing brat. It's so hard to go against our nature as empathic people, but I believe it is important to learn how to become intolerant to a degree, especially when it is affecting our mental well being at the end of the day. I'm much better at it now. I don't tolerate any crap from anyone now.

 

[mamachick]

Phillipa, I use to not either, and I want that quality back sooooo bad. I have become way to adaptable to others. Im going to have to be tough to find my way back to the middle. So that is my plan. More independent, self reliant, change priorities, etc. Whatever it takes-Im ready.

 

[Philippa]

You can do it.:)

 

[mamachick]

Thanks for your vote of confidence Phillipa. It is very helpful.
Sick and tired of being sick and tired, I know its an AA saying but it feels like it applies to abuse and being a doormat too.

 

[shoulderblades]

Yep. Been a victim of gaslighting one too many freakin' times. Makes me want to return the favour with a bottle of gas and a box of matches.

 

[mamachick]

shoulderblade-good attitude, humor is the best we have sometimes, and I'll take it every time.

I know this is an old thread that has been up for new posts so I didn't go back and read all , but there are many good posts and always support. I thank you all. I have been crying off and on for a week since my daughter told me this. When I read about parental alienation syndrome years ago, I considered that but it doesn't really matter. I might have the tendency to be suggestable so have to watch. I do think gaslighting is done with intent-but doesn't matter. I feel not only deliberately betrayed repeatedly, but feel that I have surrounded my self with people who I would otherwise just call a mind-ful(#.......so whatever the reason.....time for a change.

I made 3 appointments with my therapist. Time for me to plan a strategy to stop feeling stuck and manipulated, and not share my future plans with anyone, not even kids. Will let them know when house is sold. Tired of the rug pulled out from under me. Think I will also start taking some day trips to look at other cities to live, far enough away, but close enough to see my kids. Three years ago after my only suicide attempt, psychiatrist in hospital was great. Only one I ever met that listened. He said that I need to get my divorce final and have a judge make my husband provide alimony. My option is what I have been doing, being duped in the name of peace.

Thanks for all the good support.

 

[Marie10]

My last relationship was abusive on all levels but the one aspect I could never put my finger on often confused me, this occurred to me after I finally left.

Along with the other abuse, he never said "I'm sorry" or "Your right", it was always "I don't remember", "You're crazy and there is something wrong with you".

He would tell me things his friends said about me (turning out not to be true), convinced me to get rid of my friends because he thought they were using me, had me write down and discuss all my former sexual partners, tell him everything about myself- the good, bad and the ugly only to use it against me later. He also screened all my texts, voice mails, email and phone conversations. When he began throwing glasses at me while I was sleeping I confronted him and he would act like I made it up and it's just my crazy mind. I began sleeping with pillows over my body.

I felt like I was crazy and began to act crazy. I gave up on everything since I began to believe there is something wrong with me and no one could love me since I told him my past. I began cutting myself, drinking and crying very quietly on the balcony, lying to everyone and not speaking to my family.

Everything hung on his words and I could no longer defend myself, I lost the ability. He had me believe that I was abusing him and that after he beat me up and I went to the hospital, confronted by police I told them what happened. He was so angry that I got him arrested and kept stating that since I was abused in the past, I was taking it out on him since he thought he was innocent. I in turn showed up at court on his side and in a sly way I basically purged myself on the witness stand in his defense. There was also the sleep deprivation, he would make me stay up with him since he had insomnia because of me.

To sum this up, after I left I knew what was wrong except for the above abuse. I finally saw a therapist and she explained to me it most likely was gaslighting. I did more research and I could relate to so much. Everything was hard to deal with but this mind game gaslighting really tripped me up for a long time.

Having a therapist has been key to my recovery.

 

[apowerofwill]

My husband is a gaslighter and it's really is driving me crazy. He's a lair and a thief and I can't win. I've caught him numerous times lying and stealing money from us for bad habits that he won't admit to. He's so bad he buys a pack of cigarettes but insists to everyone we know, even me, that he is a non-smoker!!!

Whenever I call him out or want to talk about missing money or where he was ( he doesn't even own a cell phone because he refuses to use it, so I can have no contact with him) he starts a huge fight branching on different subjects that have nothing to do with anything in the present, and he is doing this in front of my four year old daughter. so my only hope is to keep my mouth shut at all times...

I'm a stay at home mom, with no car because he apparently has no time to fix his...(btw both cars were mine before marriage, he was bankrupt and had nothing.) Just yesterday he thinks $100 off my dresser is no big deal or worth talking about and just says I'm crazy, it must of grew legs over night.

Whenever he buys cigarettes, he says he gave a bum money... I catch him on porn, he makes it my fault and that he never does things like that! Now his mother is treating me like crap because he must be saying things to her because he knows I'm fed up.

I have no resources to leave him and he has gone to hitting me during fights because I won't back down that I know he's lying. My daughter has seen him punch me in our car and than saying if you don't shut up I'll drive into traffic!! My daughter asks me if the bruises on my arms are from daddy hitting me. He goes to the point of saying he will have my daughter taken from me so it scares me to stay with him and not call the cops and whatnot.. I would leave him but I have nowhere to go, he has my car, I have no money, and he threatens to have my parental right's taken on account that I AM CRAZY!!!

He's eleven years older than me and I just wish I never met him. He is causing so many problems I can't think straight anymore, and he's not even here, he's at work... I don't know what to do, I have no one to tell or talk to, it's just me and my daughter everyday and then it's insanity from my depressed husband. that's it, that's all I know and I need someone who really wants to help or care.

 

[mamachick]

apowerofwill-I am sorry that you are going through all of this. He is hitting you.... You have to come up with a safety plan to get away from him. He may make you feel crazy at times but you need now more than ever to keep cool and not let him get to you. Its not worth being right if you are getting hit and your child is witnessing this and threats. You know the truth, trust yourself. There are shelters that can help you with a safety plan-but you need to seek help and make a plan to get out of this relationship. You will be able to find ways-there are advocates that can help you find answers.

The longer you stay, the harder it will be to think straight. That is why you need to talk to someone at a shelter for abused women. I know how difficult it is to be lied to when you know the person is sabatoging you. He uses these threats to control you, and the lies keep you off balance. I have experienced this with my ex and daughter-they collude. After awhile, you begin to feel the loss of control of your own life and don't even know the truth. When we are lied to in this way, the end result will often be anger, and some consider angry women-crazy, and you are not.

Whatever your supports are, reach out to them, friends and family, church, anyone that can support you emotionally.

 

[mamachick]

I am really feeling the effects of gaslighting. I have no trust left, panic attacks, constant fear, I feel like a puppet, almost paranoid always waiting for the next shoe to drop. I am beginning to think about suicide alot lately. I just cannot see another way out. I am physically, financially, emotionally and spiritually broke. I am a second class citizen in my own home. My ex of ten yrs and daughter have colluded on this. Im so confused I dont know what to do. All of who I use to be is gone. I feel hopeless.

 

[Marie10]

I am really feeling the effects of gaslighting. . . . I feel hopeless.

Please know that things will get better. I'm so sorry, you do not deserve this. I can relate since my ex husband did and sometimes still does things like gaslighting. Know that nothing is permanent but our life is. Many times in life I too have been at the end of my rope, sometimes no one was there, I too have thought about suicide, even today I did. I just keep reminding myself about something I read, on how people who've survived a suicide regret it and how life changes. It may be bad, great, okay, really bad or wonderful. Please hang in there, I know it's hard to be broke plus everything else. Know that you are not broken, we are all one. You will get through this.

 

[partnergoingmadtoo]

Sounds just like what my partner tries to do to me, he has complex ptsd CSA and Army related, and he is ALWAYS lying!

I am so sick of it, if I accept it everything's fine, but I have started pointing out to him over the last few months, that he is lying. Then all hell breaks loose. Maybe I've been blind for 10 years and he's done it all along (probably!)It usually occurs when I point out that he is wrong about something or has done something incorrectly. It doesn't matter how sensitively it's done either.

Anyway it always end up in a row, usually him not talking to me for a day and moping around acting like a victim. I'm at the end of my tether with it, another incident has occurred over him saying my daughter said one thing and it turns out she said something else entirely (small potatoes in a NORMAL world!) He TOTALLY blew his stack at her, she refused to take it from him and had to get 2 buses home in VERY hot weather with her tiny baby as she then refused to get in the car with him because of his anger.

It's all stupid incidents, he cannot accept being wrong. I am at the end of my tether with him now, if I had anywhere to go and didn't have to leave my dog behind I'd be gone.