Bloomin I am so happy that you have been able to remove this from your life. I know it can be done and you share hope-thank you so much.
I know the term "gaslighting" came from a man that deliberately attempted to drive his wife crazy. Not sure, but if the behavior is unintentional, and the person does it out of their own dysfunction, is it still gaslighting? It certainly is crazy making. Another term "parental alienation syndrome" raises the same question for me, if the person causes the effect, but it is unintentional, is it still parental alienation syndrome?
I continue to work to remove the gaslighting from my life, though I think my lighters are not intentional. Their goal is likely to protect themselves, not to drive me crazy, cause self doubt, or make me feel bad.
Last year my daughter, age 23, embelished an incident and shared with her father, my ex husband. I was angry and we had words but very civilly. I did not answer her calls for a couple days and this upset her. On the third or forth day I called her back. I had set my mind to "let it go" as this is how she is and its not my problem. Our conversation was fine, she was happy and we had a good conversation. Then she called me back and told me this story about how she may have "accidently" stopped payment on a check she had made out to me and that I had deposited in my account and already written out checks on. I did not believe the story and told her so. I told her that I believed that in her anger, she deliberately did it to get even. I told her that if I were correct, I just wanted her to take responsibility and fix it. She denied firmly, so I just had to wait and see. (she claimed rent check lost in mail and did not write down check numbers). Anyway, I am somewhat friends with her father, we still own property together and try to get along. I told him of this and what I thought. He was critical of my thinking. Eventually he yelled at me over the phone and said "you dont trust anyone."
Im sure others must know what this feels like. Not only am I questioning, I seem to be innately distrusting, even of my own daughter, but my gut feeling is telling me what I need to know. As it turned out, I was correct. My checking account blew up, causing a few hundred dollars in fee's, which I did not have and had to borrow from her father, my ex. My daughter eventually apologized and the 3 of us met. I explained that no matter what she does I will always love her, but I need this crazy making to stop-it is the lies and games that has consumed my life over the years. They both have careers while I am cleaning up messes, but the worst it what it does to my trust. I need to be able to trust someone. She fessed up and apologized.
Recently, something came up and I thought she was exagerating because of past. She knew I didnt believe her fully. I found out she was telling the full truth. I did not need to confess this to her, but I did. I apologized fully. I explained how these things tie together and the importance of trust. I do think she is aware of how lies screw with me. So now she has a confession, she tells me last year when she was mad at me, she called her father and shared that she was hurt that I had not answered phone in couple of days and she felt like stopping payment on check. He listened, sided with her, and even encouraged her to do so. So all along, he knew that she had done so. All the while, he told me, "oh I dont think she would do that", and eventually became so angry and yelling " you dont f..ing trust anybody". Then he loaned me money to clean up my bank account, then of course complains about finances. He acts like a victim in all of this.
When she first told me, I was so shocked that I laughed. As the reality set in, by the next day, it really ate at me. This is becuase there has been a pattern of undermining me, or sabatoging me within my own family. Even when we were married and the kids were small, he would agree to things and then go behind my back and do what he wanted.
After I sat with this knowledge a couple of days, I had to tell him that I knew. He admitted, but yet found a way to turn in around on me. He basically said that she confided in him, he could not betray her trust. That he gets caught in middle of our disagreements. That I am unreasonable and that is why she has to fear telling the truth. That he is the victim. That I have to be right-seeking out truth instead of just fixing the problem. Etc. Basically, all my fault again.
We married in 1986-seperated in 2003. I do not recall any time that he has made an apology for any wrong doing with any genuineness or sincerity. He will angerily say or grunt out an "Im sorry I did that".
Please, anyone feel free to share your opinions, is this gaslighting? Is it just his passive aggressive style and need to be accepted and liked by everybody that fuels this? Does it even matter? The fact is, since 2003, he has told the kids that moms medication makes her angry, or other lies that are like this. He never provided any discipline and if he tried, the kids had no respect for him. The chores I gave them, he would do when I was gone. He acts like he is very easy going and asks for nothing. He also never let me or anyone else know who he really is, is close to nobody. I know he is not mentally healthy, he does not know that-has no insight.
I went into depression, unable to get out of bed for a day. I feel stuck, somewhat financially dependent on him, and still sharing property and that responsibility. I fantacize of excape, wishing I could just die and get the hell out of a world full of dishonest people, etc. I know my reaction is exagerated, and it would not have been 10 years ago, but over time, week after week, month after moth of such nonsense-I dont know up from down and get to where I dont care. I am now pulling myself out of that hole again.
I read a sign somewhere that said "Are you depressed, do you suffer low self esteem, or are you just surrounded by a**holes?"
Please share your thoughts as I know some of you have worked through such issues.
