Renly
Sponsor
I’ve really been struggling with managing self-punishment behaviors.
I recently learned that due to the long-term sexual/emotional/physical abuse I endured, I have been engaging in (very compulsive) traumatic re-enactments since the abuse ended up to now. Before I was married, it was never hard to find someone to hurt me… and after I was married, my SO filled that role. To my SO, it’s always just been a matter of sexual preferences. For all these years, I thought it was just a sexual preference for me as well, but since starting therapy, I’ve come to realize how messed up it all actually is for me and how far I’ve pushed the envelope in this area. I now realize that every time I engage in the re-enactment behaviors, I am harming myself both physically and psychologically. I never knew I had a problem or what I was doing was related to the abuse in any way until I started therapy, although looking back at it now I don’t know how I didn’t see it all these years.
I believe my self-punishment behaviors are primarily driven by shame, but there may also be some fear, helplessness, and the overall negative cognition that “I am bad” that also fuels it. Now that I am in therapy, repressed memories are resurfacing, so I am beginning to understand where all this “crazy” behavior is coming from.
I’ve begun to open up a tiny bit to my SO about my traumas and since then, he’s not wanting to engage with me anymore in the punishment acts that have been pretty standard for us for over a decade now. Part of me is grateful he’s trying to help me get better, but another part of me is very angry at him and still very compulsively driven to seek out punishment… it’s extremely hard to manage.
I now have very strong urges to find someone outside my marriage to hurt me, like I did before I was married (which I 100% absolutely do NOT want to do), but in the moment when I am so triggered it almost feels impossible to resist. And as awful as it sounds, its also very easy to find someone out there to punish me. I feel so out of control and I often feel very afraid of what I might do. The shame I have over these impulses is monumental. But the shame I feel that drives me to engage in the impulses is just as huge.
I have fought those urges successfully thus far and have not gone outside my marriage, but instead I am getting new urges to SH in other ways. Most recently, I burned myself with a lighter, despite fighting the urge for weeks now, which is something I’ve never done to myself before. The burning felt like some kind of compromise between my parts (who all felt very out of control in those moments)…I still punished myself but it didn’t hurt anyone else. My SO does not deserve for me to do something so terrible and hurt him.
I don’t know if it’s important to note that I sometimes engage in other forms of self-punishing behaviors (i.e. drinking excessive amounts of painful-to-swallow alcohol in very short periods of time until I’m sick and vomiting, or pushing myself beyond my limits in various other ways).
I am wondering if it may not be so much the method of punishment itself, but what’s driving the desire to punish myself?
I’m working hard on using coping skills, (which sometimes work) but I’m still very early into my healing journey and to be honest, who the heck (besides T) do I talk to about something like this?! Exercise (straight up running as fast as I can) has been the best coping skill so far, but when I’m triggered at night and not feeling safe to run around outside, I don’t know what to do. My SO is away on business for days/weeks at a time, so I’m home alone and left to my own devices…which doesn’t help.
I’m feeling very vulnerable posting this, I feel like an awful person, but I really need some support or advice if anyone has any. This is such a hard topic to talk about. Has anyone dealt with something similar? In what ways have you successfully reduced your desire (or compulsive need) to harm yourself as a form of punishment? And what helped best to reduce your engagement in the maladaptive SH behaviors?
I recently learned that due to the long-term sexual/emotional/physical abuse I endured, I have been engaging in (very compulsive) traumatic re-enactments since the abuse ended up to now. Before I was married, it was never hard to find someone to hurt me… and after I was married, my SO filled that role. To my SO, it’s always just been a matter of sexual preferences. For all these years, I thought it was just a sexual preference for me as well, but since starting therapy, I’ve come to realize how messed up it all actually is for me and how far I’ve pushed the envelope in this area. I now realize that every time I engage in the re-enactment behaviors, I am harming myself both physically and psychologically. I never knew I had a problem or what I was doing was related to the abuse in any way until I started therapy, although looking back at it now I don’t know how I didn’t see it all these years.
I believe my self-punishment behaviors are primarily driven by shame, but there may also be some fear, helplessness, and the overall negative cognition that “I am bad” that also fuels it. Now that I am in therapy, repressed memories are resurfacing, so I am beginning to understand where all this “crazy” behavior is coming from.
I’ve begun to open up a tiny bit to my SO about my traumas and since then, he’s not wanting to engage with me anymore in the punishment acts that have been pretty standard for us for over a decade now. Part of me is grateful he’s trying to help me get better, but another part of me is very angry at him and still very compulsively driven to seek out punishment… it’s extremely hard to manage.
I now have very strong urges to find someone outside my marriage to hurt me, like I did before I was married (which I 100% absolutely do NOT want to do), but in the moment when I am so triggered it almost feels impossible to resist. And as awful as it sounds, its also very easy to find someone out there to punish me. I feel so out of control and I often feel very afraid of what I might do. The shame I have over these impulses is monumental. But the shame I feel that drives me to engage in the impulses is just as huge.
I have fought those urges successfully thus far and have not gone outside my marriage, but instead I am getting new urges to SH in other ways. Most recently, I burned myself with a lighter, despite fighting the urge for weeks now, which is something I’ve never done to myself before. The burning felt like some kind of compromise between my parts (who all felt very out of control in those moments)…I still punished myself but it didn’t hurt anyone else. My SO does not deserve for me to do something so terrible and hurt him.
I don’t know if it’s important to note that I sometimes engage in other forms of self-punishing behaviors (i.e. drinking excessive amounts of painful-to-swallow alcohol in very short periods of time until I’m sick and vomiting, or pushing myself beyond my limits in various other ways).
I am wondering if it may not be so much the method of punishment itself, but what’s driving the desire to punish myself?
I’m working hard on using coping skills, (which sometimes work) but I’m still very early into my healing journey and to be honest, who the heck (besides T) do I talk to about something like this?! Exercise (straight up running as fast as I can) has been the best coping skill so far, but when I’m triggered at night and not feeling safe to run around outside, I don’t know what to do. My SO is away on business for days/weeks at a time, so I’m home alone and left to my own devices…which doesn’t help.
I’m feeling very vulnerable posting this, I feel like an awful person, but I really need some support or advice if anyone has any. This is such a hard topic to talk about. Has anyone dealt with something similar? In what ways have you successfully reduced your desire (or compulsive need) to harm yourself as a form of punishment? And what helped best to reduce your engagement in the maladaptive SH behaviors?