Getting In Touch With Anger

[Nora]

The last few days I've been mostly isolating, and I finally figured out today that I'm angry. Woo! It was such a relief as it had cast a pall over my entire weekend. I can't believe the stuff I'll do to deny it, including binge eating and dissociated obsessive cataloging of random things (in this case, books). I posted on an agoraphobia thread here that it was tough to leave the house without an external reason, which actually helped me come to this realization. Because I resented doing a friend a requested large favor and didn't tell/negotiate with her about it, I lapsed into total powerlessness mode and shut myself in. I'm working hard on my assertive communication and anger denial, and cleared the air with her today. She had assumed that if I'd had a problem I would've said something, but also had sensed that something was amiss. Grr befuddling passive aggressiveness!

I still can't figure out 'online' that I'm mad, but I am getting better at figuring it out at all. I'm drained now from the catharsis, but it's a good thing. I'm trying to take responsibility for my actions more, even though I know the trauma has wired me a bit off. I apologized for my behavior which felt really good, because it wasn't coming out of a global shame feeling or blaming myself for being angry, but a real desire to right the simple wrong of sabotaging the favor without telling her.

 

[PTSDT]

Thank you for sharing this. I like the way you say things.

Unfortunately, I have discovered that I prefer being angry to feeling my underlying feelings. I would rather rip someone up with sarcasm than cry because I am hurt. I did anything to keep from crying for years and years.

When I had to remain strong at work while in danger, I felt pride in not letting them ever see me cry. I had to be tough. It was dangerous to let my guard down. In the last couple of years, my anger has taken hold and demanding to come out. I sure did let it and it hasn't been pretty.

Still, I couldn't cry even when I figured out I wanted to. But, now I am. Right now, I have to call someone to be able to cry. I feel like a child. I hope I can get to the point where I will feel the grief instead of the anger and can cry all by myself.

 

[intothelight]

Anger is a really tough emotion to deal with. Especially when you've been abused because anger takes on the connotation of "destruction". Thing is a certain type of anger is healthy, but is it so hard to sort it out and find what is appropriate or not.

Nora, you did a great job of identifying it and talking about how you really feel with your friend is really brave. Sometimes I think that practice is the only way to rewire the defective thinking. I still have a lot of that to do.

 

[kers]

Nora, I'm like you...it takes a while for it to dawn on me that I am feeling angry. But that's a long way from when I was so sure that I never, ever got angry. Being able to figure it out after the fact is a huge triumph for us. The more you do this, the faster the realization will come.

I'm glad you cleared the air with your friend. It sounds like it was a good experience, in the end, that gave you practice on feeling angry and asserting yourself.

 

[Nora]

Today I got stuck even though I identified my feelings. I was angry because my need for control was violated, and I felt resentful/wronged. Even though I managed to logically figure out that my feelings didn't match the actual situation at all (luckily enough!), I could not let go of it. I still so strongly felt wronged. I thought of an analogy of holding a ball of crap in my hand, recognizing that it's crap, and searching in vain for a bin to throw it out in. But it is better to hold it in your hand than fling it around willy nilly at everyone!! Is it because a part of me didn't want to let go of that feeling of injustice? Why the heck would I hold onto that?

 

[bluerosa]

I totally......have gone blank all of a sudden!!! Ah here I am....I totally agree and I can indentify with this sense of being pushed around by people and then just doing what they say and not knowing why, like a small frightened, child. Then afterwards being outraged by it.

It happened a lot when I was young. Comply or be unloved and shunned, that was all there was to it. I still have nightmares about being lost and people telling me what to do and wondering around in crowds of people bossing me around feeling powerless. Then I awake feeling very angry. It is like the story of my life. I still let people boss me around to this day and then a moment later I regret it and they are gone and I miss the moment to stick up for myself. It is a skill I never learned as child an alas have so much trouble learning to do as an adult.

I agree that until we can find our sense of enpowerment even later in life, and we can find ways to vent our anger in healthy ways. I personally like the idea of breaking dollar store dishes and making them into mosiacs.

In the past when I was on a road trip I became extremely angry about a memory and had to stop at a road side MacDonalds with a river a ways off and throw rocks. I am sure I looked quite strange because I was rigorously throwing rocks for a good while. Every rock I threw had a angry thought to go with it for release and boy did I ever have a good venting session that day. But that was healthy because I caught the moment instead of stuffing it.

I sure would like to learn to stick up for myself real soon. It is really frusterating...Does anyone have the interactive video manual and can I borrow it. Oh wait a minute, can I keep it?

 

[bluerosa]

It is is more difficult when you are at home or out and about and your anger surfaces and you do not know what to do with it. Find a safe place. Phoning a trusted vent buddy - I have one but would prefer to have a few so as not to tax one out. Even then it is hard for me to call them because my primal instinct is to stuff it.

I have tried to journal it....even typing it out, printing it, balling it up and ripping it to shreds just to release the energy. I like the vocalizing idea someone had. Try that in private while pushing your hands up against a wall repeatedly - this will release body energy as well as emotional. In the privacy of your own home while you are alone, tell the person you are angery at what you feel. That of course could turn into yelling, but that's ok if you don't have close neighbours that could hear. You could always find somewhere private to do this.

Is there anywhere you can go, say in your garage to throw a ball around. Do you have a basketball hoop. Do you like to run. Try running or exercising, yoga. Vacuum. Play loud music with headphones on. I have tried all these things myself at one time or another and they work better than stuffing it in, that just makes you depressed.

Of course these are ideas for dealing with symtoms of anger. We all know that dealing with the causes of the anger are the tricky path. I have had some success with Somatic Experiencing Therapy. It has taught me to control my emotional and physical responses to intense memories.

It has been tough because once that can of woopass anger was opened some weird things began to happen. My sense of control was comprised and I was scared. It started showing up at innapropriate times and it was hard to hide. It is getting better now.

My best wishes are to you Nora as I am seeking to understand anger and tame that beast as well.

 

[Pink77]

I'm a very self-aware person, but one thing I've learned to hide from myself is my anger. It was a necessary survival skill when I was a child. Sometimes it spills out in the form of passive-aggressive communication or seething resentment... if as a scientist I can pick up these clues, I can deduce logically that I'm angry without consciously feeling it.

It's hard for me to make sense of all of this. What makes you all angry? Do you get feelings of overwhelming rage too? I wish I understood what was going on exactly and what I can do about it.

Hi Nora,
I grew up with a lot of anger in my home, and so, thought yelling was the only way to show anger. Since then, I've learned to "stuff" it down without realizing it. I use to use it as a mechanism telling me my boundaries were crossed. Sometimes that still works, but it comes out way out of proportion - dwelling on it for days!

Now, it takes me a few days to digest a situation before I realize I'm mad. I've been having several "unthreatening" things/triggers set me off in panic attacks. My doc says I have a lot of rage stuffed down inside and am afraid of it. She's right. I am afraid of it. I get very destructive, vicious verbally, sometimes violent physically, take it out on the wrong people, and the one person I want to aim it at, won't ever happen. I don't know what or how to deal with this "stuffed anger" without being leary that I'm going to lose it on the job, or with family/friends. I can be very sarcastic. Never thought of this as a way of anger coming out until I read some of the replies to your post. I have tried to be creative with letting it out: exercise, doing a hobby, sprint walking by the beach while listening to "Anger" playlists on my iPod and singing loudly to the point where my vocal chords hurt; I may scream my head off too, and dance myself to a sweat. But I suppose that isn't really dealing with the issues, just the symptoms. I'm very inrospective, but can go into denial without knowing it. Once its pointed out, like being afraid of my anger, I will acknowledge it. Now its just a matter of how to process 20 years of it...

Thanks for bringing up this issue. It is new for me and It's good to hear how others handle it and why they have it.
Take care, Pink

 

[Sethe]

Today I got stuck even though I identified my feelings. I was angry because my need for control was violated, and I felt resentful/wronged. Even though I managed to logically figure out that my feelings didn't match the actual situation at all (luckily enough!), I could not let go of it. I still so strongly felt wronged. I thought of an analogy of holding a ball of crap in my hand, recognizing that it's crap, and searching in vain for a bin to throw it out in. But it is better to hold it in your hand than fling it around willy nilly at everyone!! Is it because a part of me didn't want to let go of that feeling of injustice? Why the heck would I hold onto that?

Do you think that maybe you were so shocked to be wronged?- didn't know what to do with it?- directed it inward?

Have you heard of 'destructive entitlement?' My T mentioned it to me and I think I have some attributes of it. Usually people who were 'parentified' as kids tend to go that route. Abuse leads to the belief that some kind of 'retribution' is deserved.

I know that I get pissed off to the extreme. I do not hurt people (usually myself), but I feel that rage for days sometimes. I just can't let go of it. I think part of it may have to do with the shock that it's happening again!

I hope you can work on it more Nora. I worked on it for years because in the past, I couldn't identify it. Now, I'm just pissed a lot.

I feel for you. It's no place for anyone to be longterm.

 

[Pink77]

Do you think that maybe you were so shocked to be wronged?- didn't know what to do with it?- directed it inward?

Have you heard of 'destructive entitlement?' My T mentioned it to me and I think I have some attributes of it. Usually people who were 'parentified' as kids tend to go that route. Abuse leads to the belief that some kind of 'retribution' is deserved.

Seth can you say more about "destructive entitlement". Also, you writing the "so shocked to be wronged?...directed it inward" really resonated with my situation. I also look at it this way, since I can't direct it out to the person I want, why bother bringing up the "mess/crap in my hand" any more? Yeah it affects me by not "processing it", :mad: but I don't see how talking over and reliving the "incidents" again and again helps me. Does that make sense? Although, to be my own devil's advocate: my eating habits are bad, I take anger at others out on myself, I beat myself up a lot for small things, can get very defensive, hard to let go of injustices, etc., etc. I've cried so much already, screamed a lot, I'm tired. I just want to move on. Heck, I'm still crying when the triggers happen and my heart realizes something and the rage/pain comes full force. It happened the other day in the grocery store - a rubbermaid container set me off. I felt so ashamed and furious at the same time! PTSD's triggers truly have me baffled. Pink

 

[Sethe]

I wish I knew more about it. It's a word my T tossed into conversation.

I spend so much time analyzing my behaviors and those of my abusers. I've developed a lot of theories, but I am not a doc!- well not yet. ;)

We are all different. We process the pain differently. The common thread we all hold is that our physical bodies 'remember' and 'remind' us of the past. How frequently? I think that is up to the individual body and environmental factors.

I know that, for myself, I am still stunned sometimes to think of how I was treated. I cannot wrap my mind around how my abusers 'rationalized' their actions. That's probably the 'so shocked to have been wronged' part for me. I just don't get why they would do those things and I probably never will.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I don't think there is a ocean big enough to hold my anger.