Relationship Girlfriend Is Distant, Yet Retains Contact

[TheMinsterman]

We've known each other for about 10 years now, she's always loved me and wanted me, her past relationships ended because she wanted me, we finally got together and she began to share her PTSD with me. Some days would be bad, but she'd always be affectionate, and loving, and we really were (cliché I know) inseparable and so incredibly sure of one another.

Come November and fall outs with her friends however, she started to regress badly and progressively shut me out, often describing my attempts to help as "lectures" and "psychoanalysing" (in fact any time I offer a suggestion she calls its a lecture, even though I've said it's not telling her what to do). We have begun to speak less and less, which as we are long distance is obviously hard for me to really understand what's going on, which is why I've gotten more "pushy" which she see's as bombardment, though I've since stopped.

She has never stated she views us as having broken up, whenever I have a bad day and just can't bear to text, she always gets in touch, despite all this we've spoke daily, albeit at much reduced levels. There is this very confusing push-pull dynamic, she can't cope with talking about "us" right now, but she tells me the things she wants me to change for the better, she sends me articles for partners of people with PTSD. I'm left in this very confused state of she is distant and pushes me away, but yet she continues contact, she will initiate it if I withdraw and do not.

She says she needs to be alone to heal, I give her space whenever she asks for it, but other people in her life do not, in fact they are quite overbearing and I feel like I sometimes take the brunt of her anger at them maybe because I am somebody she can act out at without being guilt tripped? She says everyone and everything is too much, she will just not reply and withdraw for hours sometimes.

I appreciate I am rambling, but any advice would be greatly appreciated. I do love her, but I am struggling to cope (I have OCD) right now, I'm working hard on not taking everything personally, but obviously that's not a short term fix.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Honestly, not taking things personally is the key. Once you actually make peace with the fact her isolation isn't about you, things get a lot easier.

 

[dulcia]

I give her space whenever she asks for it, but other people in her life do not, in fact they are quite overbearing and I feel like I sometimes take the brunt of her anger at them maybe because I am somebody she can act out at without being Guilt tripped?

If you two have such a long, strong history, it makes sense that she may be taking unrelated things out on you because you are "safe". For me, sometimes realizing how big of a deal it is to be seen as safe by someone with PTSD is a boost itself.

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

Sometimes, receiving the brunt of some kind of emotional lash out is what happens when someone feels cornered, afraid and unable to cope. Since they can't lash out at other people (ei: people not leaving her alone, perhaps because they might be aggressive family members or coworkers and there's an innate fear of being abused if one were to do so, of course) sometimes I find my own sufferer would dump and lash her fears and angers out on me. It's never personal, of course, but that doesn't mean that it's right.

If her anger is affecting your day to day life and mental health (especially if you suffer from OCD) then this is going to be hard, but absolutely necesssary if you want to develop a healthy relationship, and that's direct and honest communication. You have to set boundaries. Her anger may be explainable, and her emotions are valid, but abusive behaviors as a result of anger are not justifiable. PTSD explains the behavior. But it doesn't give a free pass to do it. If she's mostly just venting to you about her anger, that's fine. But if she's verbally abusing you as a result of her anger, that's less fine. Setting boundaries regarding this behavior might help alleviate some of the stress you're facing; gently explaining that you understand the pain she must be facing, but that you will not let yourself be a wall to punch at because you're at a wall, you're a human being with feelings and needs. You would be willing to speak with her rationally once the anger subsides.

Regarding the distancing and the push-pull dynamic, this is unfortunately something that happens a lot with individuals with PTSD. People become overwhelming and overbearing, and the brain turns on into survival mode when pushed over the edge. Right now, it seems that her mind might have hit that threshhold. Millions of years ago if the human brain detected danger, its first instinct is to find somewhere to hide away from predators, preferably in a cornered cave where nothing can sneak up on you and you can visibly see what's outside. Today, that's less possible to do. In a society that demands constant interaction, to a person who is under extreme stress and in a survival state, it's like being forced outside the cave every single time and told, "Nah. You don't get to stay in your cave away from danger. Go in the wide open field and keep a close eye on animals for a while, so that we make sure there aren't any predators. I mean, they're not /all/ predators out there. Some of them are just deer! Or boars. Or things with large horns that can be territorial despite being herbivores. You'll be fine!" Bullshit, says literally anyone. But that's how it feels. It's overwhelming. It's terrifying. It's being constantly on edge and swerving around mentally to double check there's nothing near you. That's why everything can be too much. Because there's too much to process and pay attention to, as if life depended on it. And the isolation is a way to protect oneself from that overwhelming environement. It's not personal. It's just self preservation, to a point. To the point where even light or soft advice, much like a person at the entrace of the cave saying, "Would you like something to eat?" can sound something akin to, "Would you like to step out of the safety of your cave where possible danger can be?" and is as a result met with a loud and resounding, "No, go away."

It's a pretty long analogy, and I'm probably wrong with how sufferers may feel when they retreat, of course. But it's what's help me understand my sufferer more and allow me to not take her isolations personally. It's hard for her, and sometimes all she needs is time.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Many thanks for the responses, they are greatly appreciated.

I am genuinely trying to understand her condition, I guess part of me would like her to understand mine as she constantly brings up how my "worrying" just makes her more anxious herself. I don't know if trying to put it to her that she can't just "turn off" her PTSD is very much the same for me in that I cannot just "switch off" OCD and go from constant unrelenting OCD to what is my normal state, where I have it under control. I've done a lot of work to settle it down, but I feel maybe trying to explain that just like her I can't just "stop", otherwise I'd never do it in the first place.

In terms of her anger, it's hard to describe, she's become negative and critical of me (yet still never says we've broken up or anything), without necessarily saying "eff you you effing x y and z", she's bringing up my flaws etc in the relationship, which I agree and disagree with in varying extents and have been quite clear that I will work on them. It upsets me because it's like shes forgotten all the positive traits she loved about me, it's just me apologising and her listing off things I do wrong, compare this to our "normal" state where we just supported and complimented one another all the time it's a bit of a culture shock for me. Is becoming hyper critical of people part of a bad episode of PTSD? I fully embrace I need to work on some things, it's just the lack of "positives" to counterbalance that is a bit of a culture shock to me. Another odd things is that she accused me of "making changes" to just win her back over, which felt a little strange admittedly.

Obviously not being there makes it hard, and in the state she is in currently she just ignores any attempts to arrange a trip down to see her, I feel as though she's waiting to trust me but every time she opens up she takes any sort of "worry" as too much and then accuses me of lecturing, so we go back to square one. There's this strange dance where we get better, she opens up, I make an error, retreats again and all the positivity we had no matter how long suddenly no longer exists.

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

In terms of her anger, it's hard to describe, she's become negative and critical of me (yet still never says we've broken up or anything), without necessarily saying "eff you you effing x y and z", she's bringing up my flaws etc in the relationship, which I agree and disagree with in varying extents and have been quite clear that I will work on them. It upsets me because it's like shes forgotten all the positive traits she loved about me, it's just me apologising and her listing off things I do wrong

Here's a heads up, my friend. This is coming from a person who did the exact same thing with their sufferer, and in the end, it did nothing but hurt and damage me and made me perpetually exhausted every day and eventually made me almost want to seperate from my sufferer. Pointing out flaws and things that may bother a partner because it triggers/hurts them is reasonable - establishing the "When you do X, I feel Y, because of Z" emotional communication is super, super important. But, continuously sitting there, all the time, listening to the same person telling you over and over again what's bad about you, and you being genuinely hurt and appologizing for your behaviors all the time, without the person also acknowledging your qualities...gee, doesn't that sound a lot like what many emotionally abusive parents do? Berate and degrade the negative behaviors of a learning and growing human, while said growing human meekly appologizes to which they say, "Sorry isn't good enough, you HAVE to do X"? Appologize for your behaviors, and if they are triggering to her, then yes, work hard on correcting them. But you are human. You are learning. She cannot be criticizing you on the same things all the time when you are still learning the ropes. You also having OCD changes things. And tbh, you wishing to tell her about how you can't "turn off" your worrying is something you need to work on, but also something you need to address to her, vocally and seriously. She is allowed to feel stressed and anxious, but she needs to understand that your disorder can't "shut off", much like hers. Will she be upset by these statements? Maybe. Is it for the best that you tell her directly how you feel anyways? Yes. Because beating around the bush and keeping pent up frustrations based on unfair treatment will end up coming back to bite you in the ass. Trust me. I kept all of my sufferer's criticisms and blames and accusations and words to heart, never once telling her that I'd rather not engage with her if all she feels like doing all the time is criticize me every time she speaks to me. One day I exploded from that stress and it almost ruined us both.

Tell her how you feel, and set boundaries. Be gentle, but be firm. You love her, but you love yourself too. You understand how she feels, but you want her to understand how you feel too. In times of overwhelming stress and fear, doing so is extremely hard and difficult. It's okay if you stumble a few times in the mess that is learning how to heal and cope with disorders. But ultimately, disorder or not, relationships are about three things: communication, compassion, and compromise, on both ends. It's important that it's addressed, even if it may cause stress. It's still vital.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Many thanks for the quick response again, you are of course absolutely right, especially when I consider that part of her issues is her problems with her mother and how she was constantly torn down, she is in effect repeating those behaviours in how she lashes out at me, only not quite as harsh but yes, same pattern, constant pointing out of flaws, lack of praise. It's so alien to the "her" I know, she was the kindest, most loving and most complimentary person I ever knew, I know I can't expect her to flip that back on but she should be willing to stop avoiding to point out any of my positives, maybe actually reminding herself of those could be good for her.

I'm the same man I was two months ago, albeit on OCD hyperdrive, but the nice things about me haven't suddenly disappeared, perhaps some flaws have reared up more prominently than usual. I don't expect her to suddenly be her "old self", but at the same time it'd be good if she reinforced that I'm not 100% negative, that yes I've made some mistakes, but by never raising my positives she's only creating a new monster to lash out at instead of a flawed, but loyal, companion who is really just doing his best to learn.

 

[dulcia]

she's bringing up my flaws etc in the relationship, which I agree and disagree with in varying extents and have been quite clear that I will work on them. It upsets me because it's like shes forgotten all the positive traits she loved about me, it's just me apologising and her listing off things I do wrong,

In my experience, when my SO is escalating, he starts becoming very critical -- then cruel, using very personal things against me. He may say "sorry" for it later but that's that. It's damaging and what makes it feel even more damaging to me is when the criticisms are all I hear. He's not very affectionate or vocal about his feelings, so I don't really ever hear "you're doing a great job" or "I appreciate you" or "I'm lucky to have you". Combine never hearing those things with hearing "you're immature" or "you're not a good girlfriend" every time he escalates and that's not a good place to be.

 

[TheMinsterman]

In my experience, when my SO is escalating, he starts becoming very critical -- then cruel, using ve...

Yes, spot on, it's the lack of anything productive and positive that is the real stinger, I admit and accept I have flaws, but I am still the same man she fell in love with so deeply and I've definitely hit a point where, no, you can't just cling to any mistake I make in a journey so difficult for us both, I'll stumble sometimes and it may hurt but I don't hold her stumbles against her, she has to learn to move past mine.

I made a mistake after we just had a breakthrough, and she's gone right back to avoiding me, being short and not really engaging in conversation etc, it won't get us anywhere and this time it's really just twigged that you know what, I don't deserve this and I won't put up with any infraction I make been met with a "punishment" like this. I'm making a lot of effort and investing a lot into understanding her and being the "right" kind of support, I don't deserve a medal but I do deserve better than "one strike and your out".

I think what "triggered" this for me was last night, being told "I need to start worrying less", as if I can just switch off my OCD (I'm actually mellowed out again now, ironically considering I'm on the shit list again), my immediate thoughts now are how would you feel if I just said "Stop being so traumatised, get over it, it's in the past" etc, we used to laugh at people who said "have you tried smiling" etc, but it felt like hang on, you literally just said "maybe try not being OCD" essentially.

I feel for supporters, as much as I do sufferers, for those who've been in this spot for much longer you're incredibly strong people.

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

I think what "triggered" this for me was last night, being told "I need to start worrying less", as if I can just switch off my OCD (I'm actually mellowed out again now, ironically considering I'm on the shit list again), my immediate thoughts now are how would you feel if I just said "Stop being so traumatised, get over it, it's in the past" etc

Speaking of triggers, have you ever asked what hers are? Many people with PTSD have specific topical, tonal or visual-based triggers that can send them into a panic attack or depressive episode, or in some cases dissociative and isolation episodes as well. Her telling you "You need to worry less" is indeed not helpful in the least, however, perhaps a positive way to engage in a resolution of that problem is a bit of back and forth problem solving. (Note: this might not work at all. Personally, my brain works better trying to solve other people's problems, than it does solving my own problems...sometimes even if they're the exact same thing lol) And by that I mean, if she says that, try and see if you can prompt a friendly 'assistive' discussion. Still remain firm, but be gentle. Something perhaps like, "I understand that me being worried seems to stress you at times. I want to be less worried as well, and my OCD can make that difficult for me at times. Perhaps you can offer me a few examples of what to do or what to tell myself if I start to worry? 'Stop worrying' isn't exactly helpful for me, since my disorder makes that feeling abrupt and innate. What can I say in those times in order to reassure myself that you'll be okay?" Depending on her state of mind and how lucky you are, you'll either get no help at all and you can say that at least you tried, or you'll get some kind of cogs rolling in there because some individuals are better at helping others than they are at helping themselves.

On that other hand, in the right timing, ask her what you can do in order to ensure her comfort. "Stop worrying" is not a helpful advice for comfort, and if she says that right off the bat, tell her that you want to know what you can do to help her in your /actions/, not generalized feelings. Wanting an emotion to be erased is unrealistic. You could be the greatest actor in the world, remaining stoic, silent and unwavering, completely deceiving the entire planet into thinking you are worry-free, and you can /still/ feel incredibly worried and twisted up inside. Ask her what you can physically, verbally and visually do to reassure her. When she isolates, would she like to receive goodmorning and goodnight texts, for example, even if she's too overwhelmed to respond, or would she prefer silence until she initiates? When she's in a triggered state, would she rather you leave her alone, or would she rather you offer grounding prompts to help her escape her flashback? (heck, ask her if her therapist taught her any grounding techniques. HECK, does she see a therapist in the first place?)

Also, insist on a boundary. If she is triggered and she begins to berate and criticize you, you will not engage with her. Period. And trust me, I know that is going to be extremely difficult. As someone with Asperger's syndrome and ADHD, knowing at the back of my head that my sufferer is in pain underneath all of this rage makes it /really/ hard not to respond to texts. But I'm serious. She made her message clear the first time: you know what flaws you have to work on. Having it repeated over and over out of spite will not help you, nor will it help her. You mentioned that her berating you almost seems like what her mother used to do. Imagine it like this: in the state where she is pointing out your flaws, this is not your partner. This is the mother. This is where you say that you understand her anger, but that you are genuinely hurt by her constant critiquing. Tell her that you will turn off your phone, and will be willing to speak with her once she is willing to talk and/or have a more constructive and positive discussion. Yes, the first time you set this boundary will be absolute hell and the ensuring reaction will probably look like absolute hell. But continue it. Enforce it if she does it the next time. It sounds awful, but like a child, almost, the brain learns that it will not get what it wants if it behaves that way - because you proved to not respond to it. It sucks, but for your own mental health, you have to set that boundary.

 

[TheMinsterman]

You're absolutely right, just pretending to not be worried won't help, ironically hearing that my OCD had completely shut off (it was on the decline, it is quite frustrating this latest event happened just before it tailed off fully) and admittedly my feelings right now are essentially this is a two way relationship, I understand she has withdrawn again because I worried when she shared something, but the answer isn't to return to avoidance (even if that is a survival technique) because it does nothing for either of us, I certainly don't hold her bad behaviours against her in some sort of stockpile to "get her with" later, so she needs to not just return to total isolation the moment I make any errors.

I read somewhere about this being a journey you go on together, a journey where either of you could stumble, to me it isn't relevant who it is, the other should be there to pick them up, maybe share their mistake, but still walk on together, not tearing off alone leaving the other behind.

You're absolutely right about boundaries, if she continues to be distant and avoiding me I'll have to just be firm, but fair, about the fact that we can't keep doing this rollercoaster where if I make any error whatsoever it's right back to avoiding me, being short in responses etc. Ultimately, I am at a point where I don't want a relationship that is just days of avoidance, a understanding, a day or so of being ok again, but moment there is ANY error back to square one.

I completely understand my worry wasn't helpful, but equally as you say, I can't just "stop" over night as much as I can't ever expect her to "just not be traumatised". I know some of her triggers, my worry and stress is why she says she's pulled away and withdrawn from me because it just makes her worse, but the answer is not imo to just keep doing that if I worry at all as if my worry is necessarily something I "choose" to do, I accept I am responsible, but equally I also understand it's a symptom of my own condition, as much as I understand her behaviours, but she doesn't get a free pass "because of PTSD".

You're right again too, it's hard to take that first step of being firm about "I understand how you feel, but this behaviour isn't acceptable" and then actually taking that first step, it may not and probably won't get a nice reaction but, I deserve to be respected as much as she does. You always have that nagging fear I guess that if you walk away and stop getting in contact, that will be it, she'll wander off onto somebody else, you'll never hear from them again etc. I think though, I'm now at a stage where... I'm not concerned if we break up, I'm not afraid of losing her, I still love her and want things to work, but equally, not at the cost of my own sanity. I know it's a long road with lots of bumps etc, but communication is fundamental imo as well as learning to forgive, I have forgiven her for all the crappy behaviour that has come from this bad patch, and I don't hold it against her, if she can't forgive my worry then ultimately, there's nowhere to go.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Small update, the push-pull stuff is so confusing, she's still (for want of a better phrase) hung up on my worrying on Sunday being the reason shes had a low mood all week, we spoke a bit today (about her being fed up and upset by people in her halls at university, I quite wish she'd maybe see that I may have started the low mood but it's others keeping on fuelling it at this stage), but got to discussing maybe having a talking break for a few days... ends up with her not really knowing if she wants to now or not, after being open for a bit and then avoiding again.

It's really hard, I am prepared to give her space, but she gets very confused and maintains this iffy on-off standoffish contact with me. It's quite confusing for me, it's like I'm the villain, but she doesn't want me to go away either. She doesn't want to talk, but she doesn't want to not talk. does any of this sound familiar?