Supporter Girlfriend to Man Who Has PTSD from Horrific Tragedy

[LittleBlueAptGirl]

Hi... my name is Emily. My boyfriend and love of my life went through a horrific tragedy a few years ago and I don't know how to help him or the right words to say to help him through the hurt of it all. He, his wife at the time, two children, aunt, and two cousins were in a house fire in the middle of the night. His aunt (who was like a mother to him) and her two children died in the fire. He couldn't get to them in time and carries the weight of it on his shoulders. September was the anniversary of it and I have NEVER seen anyone this down before. I just would like to know what I should or shouldn't say to him. Even though we were friends at the time, I have never experienced such loss and it's hard for me to see him like this. He has had suicidal tendencies and I fear being away from him for too long. I'm here for the long haul and will do whatever it takes to help him.

 

[littleoc]

I’m glad you posted.

Is he or are you in therapy?

If you find yourself worried about his physical safety, get him to a hospital.

 

[Friday]

Welcome to the community :)

The good news is also the bad news... there is nothing you can say that is right/wrong. Because we’re all different people, with different personalities, and different hearts. The perfect thing to say to one person? Will be the worst thing to say to another person. And inverse, the perfect thing to say or do today may well be the worst thing to say or do tomorrow.

So my advice for people is shockingly simple - be yourself. Do & say what comes naturally, and what feels right for you.

Don’t try to be what he needs. Be what you need. ...and let that be what he wants ;)

 

[EveHarrington]

I just say “I’m not always sure of the right thing to say, but I want you to know that I care about you and that I’m here for you.”

Does he have suicidal thoughts or plans?

Is he in treatment?

You can’t fix him, but you can support him.

The best thing you can do is help get him to the people who can help him best......of course, he has to be open to getting help.

:hug:

 

[LittleBlueAptGirl]

I’m glad you posted.

Is he or are you in therapy?

If you find yourself worried about his physical safety, get him to a hospital.

Thanks. He is in therapy. I knew he had low points but this past weekend it was really bad because he had been drinking. I was just trying to remain calm which got him calmed down. I just held him in the floor while he cried it out.

 

[littleoc]

That sounds like you’re doing all the right things.

 

[LittleBlueAptGirl]

I just say “I’m not always sure of the right thing to say, but I want you to know that I care about you and that I’m here for you.”

Does he have suicidal thoughts or plans?

Is he in treatment?

You can’t fix him, but you can support him.

The best thing you can do is help get him to the people who can help him best......of course, he has to be open to getting help.

:hug:

Completely agree... can't fix this, but can def support him and that's what I am trying to do. The last few days I have just been really down about it and thought I would get on here and see what kind of support system I could find for myself in order to be there for him. He is in therapy right now and it's been good for him. I'm glad he feels comfortable talking to me about everything.. I just saw a low I had not seen before this past weekend and it crushed me. I can't stand seeing him hurt so deeply. I just held him and let him cry it all out. He eventually fell asleep.

That sounds like you’re doing all the right things.

Thank you. I am sure trying to. I just keep praying that I can be a light in his life. So hard.

 

[Swift]

Welcome Emily.

Sorry for what brought you here, but glad to have you.

@Friday, I'm gonna have to respectfully disagree here - there are definitely a few ways to say the wrong thing. But, the kicker is, all those ways revolve around being an.... (expletive of your choice.) if you're actually caring and considerate and kind, which you obviously are, for joining a forum to help this man, it's pretty much impossible to say the wrong thing. Like....
What matters is you're there. Your presence is a real gift.

I wonder if it's both the grief and the PTSD which are upsetting your man. They're often linked.

Good luck.

 

[cece]

As someone who has had her share of traumas, the thing that has helped me the most is the person who says "I'm so sorry for what you've been through; I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you. Because I don't know what you're feeling please let me know what I can do or say to help you through this." For me, this validates and offers to help in a meaningful way by letting me, the traumatized individual, ask for whatever help I decide might make a difference-- validation and decision being the key words. Most traumas at their core are due to control over our own lives being taken away from us one way or another, and having a sense of control restored by way of decision goes a long way towards "helping." Several people tried to put a limit on my grief and anger because it was uncomfortable for them. They also told me what I should do never asking me what I really needed, or offered to beat someone up on my behalf. How does that help? Truth is, it didn't. Most likely, your BF is processing and all he needs is for you to let him work through his feelings with the assurance of support on your part to provide the words or actions he might need.