it sounds to me you are not only conflicted, still being held by your past relationship, but also afraid of trying out what you feel like you are looking for. What are your thoughts Nebulustrix?
This is spot on. I haven't told anyone (even my own family) about my connection that I still feel to my ex and the past relationship other than this guy - he's the only person I've felt comfortable sharing it with. And I don't think I even realized just how strong that connection still was until I told him about it. So it has been on my mind now more than ever.
I know my ex did not intend to cause me so much pain. He was dealing with his own issues, due to his own terrible past. When my relationship with him first started, he was an amazing sweet-heart. He was very chivalrous, thoughtful, attentive, etc. However, I've come to recognize that much of what he did that I saw as so sweet was for his own benefit - to help him feel more in control. He wanted a relationship for selfish reasons.
He had an image in his mind of this "perfect" person he wanted to be with, and he'd projected that image on to me. If I didn't act the way he expected, because of that image, he reacted out of his own fears and tried to force me to fit that image through coercion, manipulation, and when that didn't work violence. When I didn't fit his expectations he became terrified of being abandoned, because he'd been through abuse and abandonment as a child, and he'd been in a relationship before ours where the woman left him with no warning - probably driven away the way I eventually was.
When I was with him, I did not understand all this. That understanding came after, as I started digging into books about domestic violence to help me cope and avoid getting into another unhealthy relationship. My understanding of how deeply troubled he is and how that explains his abusive behavior causes me to feel guilty for leaving, even though that was the best action I could take for the safety of myself and my son. I feel that if I'd only been stronger, smarter, and more capable, I could have helped him overcome his demons without the relationship turning so violent.
But the damage is done now. I am so terrified of my ex, I'd never be able to handle even being in the same room with him again, let alone trying to give our relationship another go. And even if I could face him, I know that would be a ridiculously bad idea. I am filled with sadness, guilt, and anguish when I think about the events that traumatized me so badly. I no longer feel like they were my fault - I know I'd done nothing wrong and he chose to act the way he did - but I also know he wasn't in the fullest control of his faculties and that he needed help.
Perhaps the reason I haven't put any real effort into pursuing a relationship is because I still feel attached to him. I do want to have a healthy relationship with someone
not him. And I have absolutely no fear that a relationship with this guy I'm currently starting to feel interested in would be a repeat of my past relationship. He is such an utterly different person - a very calm, non-confrontational guy. He doesn't even appear interested in pursuing anything. I know he wouldn't be possessive or jealous.
But I am afraid of everything that could resurface in a relationship attempt, and I think I'm afraid of rejection. What if I express my interest and he's not interested at all? What if that utterly changes and ruins the friendship we already have? And what if he IS interested? What if he couldn't handle my PTSD and emotional baggage?
I find myself asking all these "what if"s, and I know I filling myself with unnecessary fears of the unknown. Because I like things to develop slowly, I don't even need to let him know that my feelings are starting to develop at this point. We can continue to interact as friends, and I can wait for a moment that feels right to share. But I think I've been avoiding him because I'm afraid of my own feelings developing further, because - emotionally - I'm not even ready for another relationship.
