D
Deleted member 29920
Scary but I'm going to type the stuff in this section now...
As soon as I muster up the courage....
As soon as I muster up the courage....
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KwanYingirl
Diamond Member
I can relate . I've just started mine and it's taking awhile to stay grounded writing.
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- Post starter
- #3
D
Deleted member 29920
Thanks @KwanYingirl.
I thought I would have typed everything by now but I was wrong. It's so difficult. The abuse I endured completely ruined the first thirty one years of my life. I often hate being alive, I regularly think about ending my life and yet.... I'm too scared to. I hate myself. I hate the things that happened to me. I hate that I have no proof that they happened. I just want to be happy, I want a "normal" life, I want people to treat me with respect. I want to be accepted. I don't want to be an "outsider" any more. And I don't want to live in this part of the world any more.
I also feel like I ruined someone else's life (well, the twelve years I have spent with the person). Because I'm no longer who/what I thought I was. So I feel like I've betrayed the person. I have no idea what I'm going to do about this. There doesn't seem to be any solution, any way out. If I leave, I will make matters a lot worse for myself. I feel totally trapped.
The person who ruined my life is my mother. She emotionally and sexually abused me. Emotionally abused me from as far back as I can remember until the age of twenty five (when I finally decided to stop having any contact with her), and sexually abused me from about the age of four (maybe younger) until the age of nine. After the age of nine there was still "non-contact" sexual abuse, which was also damaging. She was NOT gentle, and I was petrified of her.
I can't type any more for now, it's too difficult.
I thought I would have typed everything by now but I was wrong. It's so difficult. The abuse I endured completely ruined the first thirty one years of my life. I often hate being alive, I regularly think about ending my life and yet.... I'm too scared to. I hate myself. I hate the things that happened to me. I hate that I have no proof that they happened. I just want to be happy, I want a "normal" life, I want people to treat me with respect. I want to be accepted. I don't want to be an "outsider" any more. And I don't want to live in this part of the world any more.
I also feel like I ruined someone else's life (well, the twelve years I have spent with the person). Because I'm no longer who/what I thought I was. So I feel like I've betrayed the person. I have no idea what I'm going to do about this. There doesn't seem to be any solution, any way out. If I leave, I will make matters a lot worse for myself. I feel totally trapped.
The person who ruined my life is my mother. She emotionally and sexually abused me. Emotionally abused me from as far back as I can remember until the age of twenty five (when I finally decided to stop having any contact with her), and sexually abused me from about the age of four (maybe younger) until the age of nine. After the age of nine there was still "non-contact" sexual abuse, which was also damaging. She was NOT gentle, and I was petrified of her.
I can't type any more for now, it's too difficult.
KwanYingirl
Diamond Member
Well done Cj77. A little at a time. The person you feel guilty that you'll ruin their life may stand by you like a boulder. Maybe it will open up new and awesome connection.
- Post starter
- #6
D
Deleted member 29920
Thank you @KwanYingirl and @Megflower, your messages are helpful to me.
A little at a time is the best idea and of course, I know all the ways that the abuse has affected me. I know my memories are real, I no longer have any doubts.
So a little more...
I have an Eating disorder not otherwise specified. It is severe and has been a problem for me since 2004. It has been much worse since 2008. It affects the way I live day to day, it's (as one counsellor described) debilitating.
I was also abused by;
My father (sexually, emotionally and physically).
My aunt (mother's only sister - emotionally, physically and sexually (non-contact)).
Boyfriends
Boys who weren't boyfriends
A little at a time is the best idea and of course, I know all the ways that the abuse has affected me. I know my memories are real, I no longer have any doubts.
So a little more...
I have an Eating disorder not otherwise specified. It is severe and has been a problem for me since 2004. It has been much worse since 2008. It affects the way I live day to day, it's (as one counsellor described) debilitating.
I was also abused by;
My father (sexually, emotionally and physically).
My aunt (mother's only sister - emotionally, physically and sexually (non-contact)).
Boyfriends
Boys who weren't boyfriends
- Post starter
- #7
D
Deleted member 29920
My mother is the one who caused the most damage though and that is why I typed about her first.
I remembered what she had done last year, a few days before May 1st 2014. I was in therapy trying to deal with my eating disorder. I was seeing an NHS secondary care clinical psychologist. The psychologist I was seeing asked me to do homework, during which, I ended up having a flashback of one of the absolute worst sexually abusive things my mother done to me when I was around the age of seven. I was terrified. I also remembered something I had witnessed her doing to my cousin (he was an infant at the time and I was eight). Which was also terrifying. For two days I kept the memories to myself. They were two of the most difficult days I've ever experienced. On the third day, the person I mentioned in my second post (I will refer to the person as "*" in my future posts) asked me what was wrong as I seemed to be in a "bad mood". I got extremely upset and blurted out what I had remembered. * was shocked. * said that those things were sexual abuse and that I would have to tell my therapist. I said I didn't want to. * made me promise I would, stating that I might not get better if I don't. I didn't understand what * meant at the time.
About five days later, I went to my appointment with my therapist (it was our seventh session). I sat with my bag on my lap, ready to hand her the piece of paper with my homework on it). She spoke for about five minutes, recapping our previous session. I kept thinking; "I can't say it, I can't do it, I can't tell her what I've remembered, I'm not going to do it". She asked if I'd had any thoughts about our last session (she didn't ask if I had done the homework). I hesitated for a moment, thinking; * has made me promise I would say it. If I don't, * might be angry with me. I also wondered why the therapist didn't ask about the homework (I'm still wondering about it now, did she forget? Why didn't she ask me for it? I didn't show her it, but I wish I had) I said I had remembered some really unpleasant things, things that you wouldn't expect a mother to do to their child. Traumatic things that shouldn't have happened. She talked for a moment saying it sounded like my mother hadn't looked after me and protected me. I agreed and said that I had been completely emotionally abused by her but also.. Sexually abused by her. The therapist was understanding and the rest of the session went okay although I was extremely nervous and upset throughout. She didn't ask me to tell her what the specific memories were, which I was relieved about. However, I felt like I didn't manage to get across the severity of the abuse and in the two weeks leading up to our next session I thought "she doesn't realise how awful the abuse was, she's thinking it's something "not that bad" ". In session eight I told her this and I told her what the memories were. I think she was really shocked and she asked me if I would speak to the police and social work about it. This freaked the living daylights out of me. My immediate thought was that the police and social work would contact my mother who would then hunt me down and try to attack me or kill me. I said it's too scary to tell them and she said ok but asked if I thought other people might be at risk (children). I said I didn't know. At that point I hadn't spoken to my mother for five years so I didn't know who she was in contact with. I haven't spoken to her since March 2009. The following sessions were disastrous. I couldn't think clearly and even though the therapist said I could tell her more about what I had remembered, it was impossible. I was terrified that she would tell other people and that my mother would try to find me and attack or kill me. In the tenth session, the therapist said I had to have a break /reflection time. Our eleventh session was the last one. I was relieved but scared and sad, I didn't want to stop, it felt like I was being given up on and abandoned. Like I was useless and not worth helping. That was in July 2014. She told me to ask my gp to refer me back when I felt ready to come back. I waited six weeks and asked to go back but my gp had received a letter from the therapist saying I should stay away for six to nine months and if I needed someone to talk to in the meantime to go to a counselling service (also NHS). I done that but it was unhelpful as the counsellor told me they only deal with mild to moderate mental health issues and mines was severe or intense. She kept trying to get me to go to stress groups or "body work" (massage). I tried to explain that those things would cause me more stress - being around complete strangers who are also stressed! And my mother and aunt are holistic therapists, so the thought of being massaged is extremely triggering. She was also insensitive and judgemental towards me in the six sessions we had. I complained about her and asked to see a different counsellor (the new one seemed helpful but I have only seen her once because of waiting lists, she went on holiday and I have been too ill to make it to the last two appointments). I've also been going to Rape Crisis and have had six sessions with a counsellor there who has so far been really helpful. And I'm on a waiting list for psychotherapy and a place that specialises in sexual abuse counselling (both NHS). Next Friday I have an appointment with a psychiatrist (I was told that the psychotherapists like patients to have seen a psychiatrist first to see if there are any medications that might help).
That's all I can type for now.
I remembered what she had done last year, a few days before May 1st 2014. I was in therapy trying to deal with my eating disorder. I was seeing an NHS secondary care clinical psychologist. The psychologist I was seeing asked me to do homework, during which, I ended up having a flashback of one of the absolute worst sexually abusive things my mother done to me when I was around the age of seven. I was terrified. I also remembered something I had witnessed her doing to my cousin (he was an infant at the time and I was eight). Which was also terrifying. For two days I kept the memories to myself. They were two of the most difficult days I've ever experienced. On the third day, the person I mentioned in my second post (I will refer to the person as "*" in my future posts) asked me what was wrong as I seemed to be in a "bad mood". I got extremely upset and blurted out what I had remembered. * was shocked. * said that those things were sexual abuse and that I would have to tell my therapist. I said I didn't want to. * made me promise I would, stating that I might not get better if I don't. I didn't understand what * meant at the time.
About five days later, I went to my appointment with my therapist (it was our seventh session). I sat with my bag on my lap, ready to hand her the piece of paper with my homework on it). She spoke for about five minutes, recapping our previous session. I kept thinking; "I can't say it, I can't do it, I can't tell her what I've remembered, I'm not going to do it". She asked if I'd had any thoughts about our last session (she didn't ask if I had done the homework). I hesitated for a moment, thinking; * has made me promise I would say it. If I don't, * might be angry with me. I also wondered why the therapist didn't ask about the homework (I'm still wondering about it now, did she forget? Why didn't she ask me for it? I didn't show her it, but I wish I had) I said I had remembered some really unpleasant things, things that you wouldn't expect a mother to do to their child. Traumatic things that shouldn't have happened. She talked for a moment saying it sounded like my mother hadn't looked after me and protected me. I agreed and said that I had been completely emotionally abused by her but also.. Sexually abused by her. The therapist was understanding and the rest of the session went okay although I was extremely nervous and upset throughout. She didn't ask me to tell her what the specific memories were, which I was relieved about. However, I felt like I didn't manage to get across the severity of the abuse and in the two weeks leading up to our next session I thought "she doesn't realise how awful the abuse was, she's thinking it's something "not that bad" ". In session eight I told her this and I told her what the memories were. I think she was really shocked and she asked me if I would speak to the police and social work about it. This freaked the living daylights out of me. My immediate thought was that the police and social work would contact my mother who would then hunt me down and try to attack me or kill me. I said it's too scary to tell them and she said ok but asked if I thought other people might be at risk (children). I said I didn't know. At that point I hadn't spoken to my mother for five years so I didn't know who she was in contact with. I haven't spoken to her since March 2009. The following sessions were disastrous. I couldn't think clearly and even though the therapist said I could tell her more about what I had remembered, it was impossible. I was terrified that she would tell other people and that my mother would try to find me and attack or kill me. In the tenth session, the therapist said I had to have a break /reflection time. Our eleventh session was the last one. I was relieved but scared and sad, I didn't want to stop, it felt like I was being given up on and abandoned. Like I was useless and not worth helping. That was in July 2014. She told me to ask my gp to refer me back when I felt ready to come back. I waited six weeks and asked to go back but my gp had received a letter from the therapist saying I should stay away for six to nine months and if I needed someone to talk to in the meantime to go to a counselling service (also NHS). I done that but it was unhelpful as the counsellor told me they only deal with mild to moderate mental health issues and mines was severe or intense. She kept trying to get me to go to stress groups or "body work" (massage). I tried to explain that those things would cause me more stress - being around complete strangers who are also stressed! And my mother and aunt are holistic therapists, so the thought of being massaged is extremely triggering. She was also insensitive and judgemental towards me in the six sessions we had. I complained about her and asked to see a different counsellor (the new one seemed helpful but I have only seen her once because of waiting lists, she went on holiday and I have been too ill to make it to the last two appointments). I've also been going to Rape Crisis and have had six sessions with a counsellor there who has so far been really helpful. And I'm on a waiting list for psychotherapy and a place that specialises in sexual abuse counselling (both NHS). Next Friday I have an appointment with a psychiatrist (I was told that the psychotherapists like patients to have seen a psychiatrist first to see if there are any medications that might help).
That's all I can type for now.
Last edited by a moderator:
I hope you're doing okay. I hate that his all happened to you. I know you haven't told the extent of your trauma, but I"m impressed how much you have been able to express. I hope this takes some of the weight off. Journals like this always deeply upset me because everyone deserves to have a child-hood. When it's stolen from you, it's hard to progress, as a person. I'm always so impressed with how strong people are, after such an incident. Living life, in itself, is a constant struggle. When I'm feeling low, I write down my thoughts using a pen and paper. This uses the logical side of your brain, so some of the emotional side can rest. Let us know if you need anything, and I hope all is going well for you.
KwanYingirl
Diamond Member
Cj77 That's a heavy load you wrote out. I hope it helped you to get it out. I know how very difficult it is to break the silence, but once you do, you will start making real progress in therapy. Just remember that you can trust us here so anything you want help with, just ask.
- Post starter
- #10
D
Deleted member 29920
I'm a mess.
My whole life has been a waste.
Remembering the abuse last year has ruined me. It has ruined EVERYTHING.
I'm not even sure if I'll ever be well again.
Can't stop crying and don't know what to do.
I feel so incredibly alone, empty and worthless.
I'm a total failure.
My whole life has been a waste.
Remembering the abuse last year has ruined me. It has ruined EVERYTHING.
I'm not even sure if I'll ever be well again.
Can't stop crying and don't know what to do.
I feel so incredibly alone, empty and worthless.
I'm a total failure.
You're not a failure, and you certainly aren't a waste. When bad stuff happens we internalize it too much. It's not your fault, you're a strong person, and I won't judge you for your past.
Nobody is a failure in the eyes of everyone in this site, we all have problems and are learning to cope with them, by sharing them on these pages.
When I first came in here I thought that I was a failure, a brunt out has been, who was lost in grief and struggling to cope.
Since then, I've come a long way with the help, support and understanding from others on these forums.
So remember, "you are not a failure"
When I first came in here I thought that I was a failure, a brunt out has been, who was lost in grief and struggling to cope.
Since then, I've come a long way with the help, support and understanding from others on these forums.
So remember, "you are not a failure"
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