General Going In Circles! Roomates Or More?! I Want Your Opinion

[Andrea42]

Please share if you are going through this (because i cant believe i am) or if i am even making sense because this doesnt even seem real to me + i feel so lonely.

We have been arguing alot lately (stopped for a bit, but started over 2 weeks ago and it has not stopped) why?! because i feel my husband wants nothing to do with me at the moment and i am at the point where i am tired of waiting. I am not going to be immature and/or mislead you and say he is done with me for good because he has not left my side or has stated that he wants to (we both love each other very much) but dont we all get to a point where we need to feel that we are wanted!?? I know they (PTSD sufferes) are going through alot but so are we! :frown: I keep hearing things like"I am sick of this" and "i am sick of you" and just constant put downs, sh&t talking and rolling of the eyes, what am i supposed to think? how am i supposed to feel??? :think:

He is still on disability....going on his second month. He has the pleasure of not having me around the entire day because i work....what else does he want from me? :frown:
We are going through something right now where we do not talk at all, literally. He never has anything to say to me (yet he seems fine around his buddies) He would never do to them what he does to me with all the disrespect and attitude.

He has already told me that he cannot be there for me emotionally. And at the moment i am understanding of that to an extent and i am willing to give him (us) time to make that better.
Physically? We have no sex life (and we are in our 20's) furthermore, we dont hug, hold hands in public, I dont even get told "goodnight" to nor do i get to cuddle in bed with him...he curls up by himself in one corner of the bed and i am left in the other. I miss the way he used to hold me every night, all night :( I bitch at him that we have nothing going in this marriage! That we live like roomates and that i am tired of it and i ask him when all this crap will end and for that reason (my argueing+complaining and questioning) he avoids me as much as possible:frown: it is so confusing but we are going in circles at the moment and we cannot get out of it. He becomes cold when i argue with him about this and i argue with him because i am sick of living with a person who feels nothing at all.
These last 2 weekends he has left me all by myself and crying :( as he walks out, im always crying that i dont want to be alone anymore....and i cry and cry til i cant anymore.... He tells me all this crying and complianing is really pushing him away (and he stays away from me even more) but i feel as if i cannot take it anymore :frown: Even when i was single i have never felt so alone. I am so hurt by this and this is exactly the way he needs things right now it seems...i dont get it! I dont leave him any chores, so he does not clean or do bills (he does cook alot)

I dont know what he does all day...I usually try not to bother him (i dont call him during the day) He has told me that at the moment, he just cant be all "lovely-dovey or whatever but i am getting nothing at all! Is that normal? and after how long is it just not normal anymore??

I come home, tired yet happy to see him because i have missed him throughout the day (and i do think about him and miss him) + he just seems cold and distant still ....it hurts to not be missed, or appreciated, or have someone want to be with me....it hurts to be the annoying one, and the nagging b&tch....and the one who wont shut up...It hurts that my husband wont make an effort to hug me, or even kiss me....I dont even feel attractive anymore and i wonder if he's still interested...It freakin sucks to wonder if my husband still likes me in that way

Am i that needy? or is there something wrong here??
You decide....Roomate or More??

 

[Tammy]

hello Andrea42
I can understand somewhat what you are going through. I too become upset and/or irritatedwhen my partner won't hold me or show any kind of affection. We are sort of different though as my partner only lasts the maximum of one week at a time. We are also in our 20s so I can understand why you say you feel unattractive, because I too have felt that way many times. All I can say to you is... My partner usually comes around in a few days, and he usually only gets that way around the anniversary of his trauma or anything that has "stuffed up since then" (his words). I have found with my partner that when I go to sleep in different room when he is like that, he usually ends up in there with me because he doesn't like sleeping alone; this happens even if I fall asleep watching tv. I understand how frustrated you are though and just know that you are not alone. He loves you or he wouldn't be there (at least that's what my partner says). I hope you both sort it out soon though.

 

[hannah]

hello Andrea - If you read my "story" I can totally identify with you - I "didnt understand " either all I wanted was to hug and have emotional conection with my husband and yet because we both didnt understand it has driven us apart blaming yourself is not good - however please hear what he is saying- your crying and upset will make him more detatched as he cant stand to see you in this state.


If I had been stronger I would have "backed off" and given him space in the house instead of constantly asking him what his problem was!!!

I could not see the wood for the trees - the sufferers here have given me an insight into this and the experience says give him space dont try to get into his head he has shut that off from you.

Patience is a true virtue - I didnt have it - its easy in hindsight but he is telling you what he wants and will have try to take a step back and keep your worries in your own head. Treat him with respect that is the most difficult thing for you but essential for him. I wish my husband was here so i
could practice what I have learned - hindsight is a wonderful thing - I hope to god my husband returns to me - but not much hope at the moment - he is travelling on business in January so I suspect Christmas is going to be very sad for us. Andrea take a step back do something for yourself take control of your emotions and let him know you care gently does it. I have told my husband on the phone that I wilhe l not take his disrespect anymore so did my son it seems to have worked. Conversations are miniscule but he is very hurt by my words that I slung at him for misunderstanding him. He says he is dealing with it - I couldnt take any more rejection at the time.

take care and take a breath otherwise your health will suffer also. I'm slowly regaining my sanity after throwing myself at a brick wall for two years!!!

 

[Andrea42]

Tammy, Yes you do understand, thank you. I do get so upset and irritated…I have been dealing with this for so long it seems….In my case also, it usually does last a few days, a week at the most and its mostly because of my bitching, he tells me he needs this time to cool off then after that we kinda go back to normal and he does hug me and show a bit more affection (he tells me he has gotten this PTSD under better control now so we all have our days but for the most part its just the way he behaves and shows me he wants to be with me that is my problem) This time it has just gotten to the point where I cannot even wait a week anymore and I have told him that…i told him to just knock it off already and he told me he wishes he could...i know i shouldnt have said that :(…its been 2 weeks and nothing at all
and I cant seem to shut up about it and its making it worse.

He loves you or he wouldn't be there (at least that's what my partner says)

My hubby has told me this many times.... it seems that you and i are going through the same thing at the moment which helps to know that i am not alone.... thank you.

Hannah,

please hear what he is saying- your crying and upset will make him more detatched as he cant stand to see you in this state

You are so right!! and he has told me this so many times....i know it does not help him or me or us..but like i have said i feel i am having a breakdown right now:( i am doing all the wrong things out of being desperate..i feel i cannot do this anymore...Like yourself, at the moment i am not very strong....i have tried to back off time and time again :( but i have not yet proven myself.

Patience is a true virtue - I didnt have it - its easy in hindsight but he is telling you what he wants and will have try to take a step back and keep your worries in your own head. Treat him with respect that is the most difficult thing for you but essential for him

I understand what you are saying...but im guessing i do not have it either..i dont have the patience, but i do see how important it is to treat him with the respect he deserves and give him the space he needs... i just wish i was stronger...and about keeping my worries in my own head HA! i already failed at that last night :(
got home tired, gave each other a hug....he cooked a great dinner for us..we ate and then i started with the bullcrap because i wanted to cuddle while we watched tv and we probably could have but yeah my mouth gets me in so much trouble lately :(
Well Hannah,
From what you are telling me you have said some hurtful things that have stuck with him... i have yet to read your story (i will do so tonight) but if you read mine....i have put my husband through hell and back just because i was a brat and did not know any better...i got the second chance and i have a feeling that you will also,
i will pray for you guys... but give him time (we separated for about 6months) it takes a lot of time but in the end, when/if you end up together it will be worth it

 

[hannah]

Hi Andrea six months that's the lease he has taken out on his house!!!! He met our kids last night they hate having to "meet" him and I sat cryingfeeling so left out............but glad they are having a relationship with him.


Of course they came back and relayed the conversation......he was business like with our son... that hurt him no personal questions about him or his girlfriend.....
but our daughter seemed to get through - he still says he can only get through one day at a time ...... but shock the phone rang late last night and it was him to tell me this was his house number !!!!! and I could ring him at night if I wanted to !!!!! He also told me where he was on business today!!! his voice was different - practically recognisable but still a bit impatient ......is there someone shining down on me - I wont hold my breath

Ps he was livid that I had given him literature about PTSD and started talking to our daughter about an incident in Iraq mortar attacks !!!!! he has never spoken to her about this at all. what is that about. anyway girlies take care we have a lot to put up with...

 

[becvan]

I was reading your thread here and it made me realize how much it helps to hear this from another perspective. I've always tried to hide my "non-affection" episodes. Being female, I was ashamed of my inability to show affection. Many nights I have slept on the couch to get away or bit my lip to not tell my partner to shove off. Thank you for talking about this. It made me feel better to know that others go through this. Now I can work on ways to talk about it and learn how to cope with it, instead of trying to hide it.

Thank you.

Bec

 

[Andrea42]

Im glad you are able to see things in what other people feel and write and help yourself....I am happy that it helps somebody.
unfortunately, i am not doing to well with this whole deal and i am begining to feel alot of anger.
The argueing has not stopped :( it has only gotten worse....we were up til past midnight last night fighting :( i finally took some of his Xanax pills and fell asleep in my car :( I came back in the house after 2am because i couldnt sleep becasue i was so cold :(
i cant do this anymore.... I see that he wants nothing to do with me and it drives me crazy!!
I told him last night, why doesnt he leave me and move on (like he did last year) and his response?! "we all know how that went" what the heck is that supposed to mean??? that i stopped him from moving on?! i cant take it :( i have weird feelings and horrible thoughts, i want to leave.....

 

[becvan]

Andrea you have to take care of yourself first. Perhaps a break is what you need, perhaps it isn't. Don't stay for the sake of your hubby, to caretake him, or for the sake of your children (not sure if you have any, but it would be a big mistake to them) only stay if you want to, need to etc..

I realize that living with someone with PTSD is difficult and numerous times the spouses end up like a babysitter. But, he is an adult and so are you. Take care of you first, then him. NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. Don't let guilt over this illness trap you, or responsiblity or anything else. But if you want to stay, you need to look at what ISN"T working and start trying something different. (why do we, as in all humans, insist on trying something that doesn't work over and over again? just wondering. I do the same thing sometimes.)

Whatever your choice, make sure it is because it is what YOU want and YOU need. Period. Please keep us updated. It's strange how healing on this board works sometimes, isn't it?

Bec

 

[hannah]

oh Andrea, that is so what was happening - I like you I suspect was desperate for him to show some behaviour that resembled the "old" man and was convinced it was me he was avoiding was I attractive was I loving was I this and that asked him and myself a thousand questions. All it did was burn me out and chase him away. Although I miss him every second I know this is the right thing for this time. For both of us. He has given me his "house tel No. " and yesterday he called after work to tell me he was taking the present he had bought to his sisters with a card from all of us ..... US I repeated and he confirmed>>>> made my day..... This has happened since I have taken the pressure off and have given him the space he wants - who knows. Another snippett ....guys he has also mentioned that I have suggested he seek some help!!!! not sure in what context he said that but its a start... Andrea get some rest - walk the beach - read a book or sleep for your sake. God Bless you.

 

[dazednconfused]

I know how you feel....

I could not understand and still cannot to an extent understand why my husband would not want to cuddle and hold and all those things and I ended up I guess pushing him out of our house because of it. Now he says he does not "love me anymore" and he basically is trying to move on I guess. He keeps saying he is going to send me divorce papers, but have not received them as of yet. I am sure they are coming though. I just wish I had found this site before he left me and my son. I think I could have understood what he was going through better if we had known what was the problem with him.

Is there any hope for us? I just wonder if he would come back if we could give this another shot, but he is not willing as he says he would just "bring me down" . I think maybe he really does have another woman or something. He still keeps saying no, but he goes somewhere every weekend. Oh well, I guess all I can do now is wait on the papers and pray for a miracle.

Just wondered if there are others that their husband left them and then came back.....

dazed

 

[Deleted member 93]

Hey Andrea I hope things are going better but since it has been only just about a week since your post I won't hold my breath. As for what seems like an eternity for y'all a week passes for me and I don't notice. I am only going to give an insiders point of view from my perspective... just mine. And well, bec said the whole couch thing and my toddler argued with her dad tonight she wants to sleep on the couch like momma...


I am going to post your original and go from there if that is OK, I really do try to stay out of the spouse section but this one I kind of get...

We have been arguing alot lately (stopped for a bit, but started over 2 weeks ago and it has not stopped) why?! because i feel my husband wants nothing to do with me at the moment and i am at the point where i am tired of waiting. I am not going to be immature and/or mislead you and say he is done with me for good because he has not left my side or has stated that he wants to (we both love each other very much) but dont we all get to a point where we need to feel that we are wanted!?? I know they (PTSD sufferes) are going through alot but so are we! I keep hearing things like"I am sick of this" and "i am sick of you" and just constant put downs, sh&t talking and rolling of the eyes, what am i supposed to think? how am i supposed to feel???

I think it is normal for a person to feel wanted but you are expecting normal things from a normal person there, not a person with PTSD. Sadly I was of showing we want you is not packing. What is prompting put downs? I can't see eye rolling simply because you walked in the room or am I wrong? Are you saying something upsetting or pressuring about "I don't feel wanted"?

He is still on disability....going on his second month. He has the pleasure of not having me around the entire day because i work....what else does he want from me?

Hell, this one bites me on the ass and I am not even there. You seem mad he is on disability... He is "still" on disability. Hon, this does make you disabled. He should not feel like he is looked down on for that. What makes you think you gone all day is a pleasure? Now take out any stupid remark he may have said in a heated moment, but what part is a pleasure? I HATE I cannot work, I hate I am relying on another, and it hurts when the spouse says yeah I work all day and you do what??? I can answer that, our thoughts invade us, we cannot escape what we did or have been through, panic eats us and all we can do is therapy to get to a better place which takes years. Does not make for a great day if you think about it. If we could just push that out of our head we would be lucky who don't have PTSD.

We are going through something right now where we do not talk at all, literally. He never has anything to say to me (yet he seems fine around his buddies) He would never do to them what he does to me with all the disrespect and attitude.

Easy for me to get but may not be for you. The cool thing about buddies... They don't talk about feelings. It is hey, lets have a beer and shoot shit. It is at my convienience my buddy was there (moving and well now feelings are involved so we are not there for each other in the move). My buddy has this shit and well, we go hang out in silence and tell bad jokes, rag each other about football, shoot things, and fish. Closest we discuss feelings is us whining about why do the others need to so much. Buddies are buds, not on the same emotional level which is painful to get on as a spouse. It is not hey we need to talk... You have not called. Buddies have boundries.

He has already told me that he cannot be there for me emotionally. And at the moment i am understanding of that to an extent and i am willing to give him (us) time to make that better

See above

Physically? We have no sex life (and we are in our 20's) furthermore, we dont hug, hold hands in public, I dont even get told "goodnight" to nor do i get to cuddle in bed with him...he curls up by himself in one corner of the bed and i am left in the other. I miss the way he used to hold me every night, all night :( I bitch at him that we have nothing going in this marriage! That we live like roomates and that i am tired of it and i ask him when all this crap will end and for that reason (my argueing+complaining and questioning) he avoids me as much as possible it is so confusing but we are going in circles at the moment and we cannot get out of it. He becomes cold when i argue with him about this and i argue with him because i am sick of living with a person who feels nothing at all.

Now honestly look at this and you tell me where this is not going to work with a PTSDer... You have been here long enough. First physical is over rated. "I bitch at him" "we have nothing going in our marriage" "when will all this crap end" "my arguing+complaining+questioning" and you are really trying to figure out why he is avoiding you? You are not sick of living with one who feels nothing at all, you are sick of living with someone who feels so much he cannot handle it the way you may be able to and you are pressuring him by your own statements.

I dont leave him any chores, so he does not clean or do bills (he does cook alot)

Hell, if he is cooking he is doing better than me... Of course if I see hamburger helper again I swear I will puke. You could have it worse.

I dont know what he does all day...I usually try not to bother him (i dont call him during the day) He has told me that at the moment, he just cant be all "lovely-dovey or whatever but i am getting nothing at all! Is that normal? and after how long is it just not normal anymore??

He probably is eaten up with PTSD all day and trying to get to a better place in his head which can be hard with the pressure you are giving emotionally. Yes, very very normal... And no time limit. It is pushed there is no race to heal. How long YOU can handle it is another thing.


Yes, I think you are being needy, but not in a bad way. You are expecting normal things. Thing is your spouse has PTSD and not normal but normal for PTSD, the more you push the further he will back up. Let the rope slack and leave it, in time they pick it up and come closer. When I get wild feral animals on my farm I cannot catch them if I chase them all day. I have to put a little feed out for a long time and leave. I put a little feed out and then sit and watch and wait for them to wander off, I sit a little closer each time. Eventually I put that feed in my hand but do not touch, eventually I reach out a little and move around, but still don't touch. Eventually I try to pet but only a second. I keep that up until I see no resistense and then pet a little more and more over time. Eventually they love me and don't leave me alone. Think of it like a farmer :) You cannot put a time frame on it, but as long as you chase you can bet you bottom dollar they are gonna run.

You have to let him come to you in a time frame good for him. If it is too long, well, I don't know what to say. I have done this dance for years here.

I wish you and DD the best and hope y'all work it out.

 

[tig]

Dear Dazed, My husband & I seperated for 14 mos & basically didn't speak the whole time (it hurt too much)... I filed for divorce after 6 mos (cuz the lawyers said it would be best for me if I filed 1st). Yes, he had a girlfriend... He hit bottom w/PTSD & said it was a very long, lonely time. But I went to see him at 14 mos(Nov '05) & each of us wanted very much to reconcile. Yes, the girlfriend thing still hurts.
Just an idea... why don't you have someone look after your son while YOU follow Sneaky off to his weekend retreat??? You'll have your answer...
(Unconventional advice, but cheapre than a private dectective...)