Going No-Contact: Anxiety From Narcissistic Abuse, can anyone relate?

[mumstheword]

Yes, these Narcs triangulate and manipulate everyone in their path. The hardest part is how the people that they manipulate against their victim do not even see how evil the Narc is!

Very true!
I am on the Autism spectrum (Aspie) and it took me soooo many years to work out what was being done to me. The gaslighting and constant blame games, the lying really only became apparent after I left, the extent of it, coz I knew he liked to stretch the truth and claim credit where it wasn't his to claim, but the lies he told about me and the character defamation! Which I only know because friends, family and professionals filled me in on the things he was saying to my children about me. Horrifying!
I used to think the mean things he said and the bad treatment of me was because I was so deficient and blameworthy and I would constantly grovel and apologize and try to do better, be better, make amends and take responsibility for everything and take blame for everything, but I could never "fix" or make right, anything I was blamed for, because the blame was his way of breaking me down and disempowering me and exhausting me so I would mindlessly kow tow and put up with unbelievable treatment.

They are unbelievable.

My kids haven't worked out why they are so miserable, exhausted, sick and dispirited, yet, and, it's a very tricky thing to navigate. Its like trying to tell people in a cult that they are in a cult.

 

[EveHarrington]

My kids haven't worked out why they are so miserable, exhausted, sick and dispirited, yet, and, it's a very tricky thing to navigate. Ir's like trying to tell people in a cult that they are in a cult.

I’d say it’s worse because kids always want that parental love and will just deny the truth because you can get that parental love nowhere else.

This is what I live, every single day. I have three people reminding me about how evil my dad is because my mind just tells me everything is fine.

 

[NIKI]

lies he told about me and the character defamation! Which I only know because friends, family and professionals filled me in on the things he was saying to my children about me. Horrifying!

The "Smear Campaign"!!! I so much understand what you have been through.

My kids haven't worked out why they are so miserable, exhausted, sick and dispirited, yet, and, it's a very tricky thing to navigate. Ir's like trying to tell people in a cult that they are in a cult.

I know it is so hard to wake others up to the abuse around them. They just do not want to see it! It's to painful for them to see the truth.

There are many videos on YouTube explaining about Narcisisstic Abuse. I stumbled across these types of videos by accident. They are the only reason I even understand what has happened to me in my life.

If you would like I can give you some names of some great channels on YouTube for them to watch when they are ready to start to understand what has happened to you and them.

The gaslighting and constant blame games, the lying really only became apparent after I left,

Yes! The GASLIGHTING! Everything becomes so much clearer when you go No Contact.

I’d say it’s worse because kids always want that parental love and will just deny the truth

I agree. It's so hard to wake family members up to the truth.

 

[shimmerz]

My kids father and her oldest son are covert narcissists. maybe even sociopaths. Psychological health that I’ve lived in because of this fact can’t even be described as somebody who hasn’t live through it.

When I recognized about myself and I’m not sure if you can relate to parts at all but my mother parts was being just destroy it and she was taking everybody else down. Everybody else meaning all other parts of me.

I’d recognize it I have to take care of my mother part and that mother part has to be given the option to walk away from mothering my son. He’s making that quite easy because he has no interest in being mothered anyways.

I recognize that I have to take care of my mother part and that mother part Hass to be given the option to walk away from mothering my son. He’s making up quite easy because he has no interest in being mothered anyways. I’ve decided with my other two sons who are also affected by this dynamic but they have them put in a serious enough position but I’m not gonna be able to help them out of what this dynamic has meant to them and how it has shaped them.

I have the name of a very good therapist that I could happily hand them over to you when they recognize what is happened to them. In the meanwhile I have just about psychologically exploded and imploded because of this dynamic. I’ve worked really hard to get myself well again. I’m not giving that up for anybody. Not even my sons. So yes. No contact. No question about it.

 

[cece]

I have a similar experience. I'm pleased to report those who actually care about me have noticed that I do not come around or interact with them the way that I used to. In essence, their emotional punching bag has disappeared and they probably have enough insight to know that unless they start being nicer, they don't receive the benefit of having me around. Those that don't care don't seem to care to want to work through the issues. Distance helps where it is meant to and definitely shows who really gives a crap.

^^^^ I guess I failed to expand on that those who have noticed I'm not around seem to be more pleasant, patient and respectful the limited time I spend with them. The others do not reach out and hit me up in return when I have made attempts to reach out resolve our issues. As usual, I am always in the wrong even when I'm right, or right to stand up for my position in any negative interaction.

 

[NIKI]

As usual, I am always in the wrong even when I'm right, or right to stand up for my position in any negative interaction.

Yes, I understand. Some people always set interactions up this way. They know exactly what they are doing but act like they don't know. I think it is referred to as "crazymaking".

 

[Alli D87]

I've been through a similar situation only it was my mother-in-law abusing me and her son, my partner, while he was fighting cancer an undergoing a bone marrow transplant. Very covertly too I might add. I went no contact after she left when he was released from hospital, well as much as I could go at the time, my partner was still talking to her... It is now going on to 2.5 years since then and I am still suffering from the PTSD symptoms even with medications which I hate taking.

The anxiety is really annoying because a lot of the time I can't identify the "cause". Through counselling I've managed to adopt coping skills and they seem to rely a lot on distracting yourself to not experience so much intrusive thoughts and flashbacks. I'm not clear on how I feel about that. I'm at a point now where I want to deal with the trauma head on instead of avoiding it because it still affects my daily life.

I hope you can get into therapy/counselling. It really does help to talk about it and to feel validated.

Good luck

 

[NIKI]

I’d recognize it I have to take care of my mother part and that mother part has to be given the option to walk away from mothering my son. He’s making that quite easy because he has no interest in being mothered anyways.

Yes, I have had to come to the same conclusion for myself. My son has no interest in having a mother, father, grandparents or any family. I've also have been told by the few friends he had growing up that he was abusive to them also. I guess he could be said to be antisocial. That's the first time I have thought to use that term for him.

I'm at a point now where I want to deal with the trauma head on instead of avoiding it because it still affects my daily life.

I understand where you are at now. Have you ever watched any videos on YouTube about dealing with Narc abuse? I have learned a lot about what happened and what they get out of abusing us. But, I have to say the the pain of the abuses still hurts so much. :(

 

[mumstheword]

I've realized recently it can change, it may take a lot of patience and forbearance, but it may shift.
My ex seems to be growing up a little. Only a fractional amount, mind you, but with a lot of restraint and boundaries and plenty of psychological and emotional support, and time (I'm talking YEARS) my situation is easing up, a little.

I've had to get outside help though, and I guess my situation is a bit different, because it's a coparent and he is invested in not completely ailienating himself from at least some of our children, so he's made efforts that he would never make towards me, to keep our oldest daughter happy. Any progress is still progress, and if that means totally cutting them off and just focusing on healing, your own learning curve and understanding the pitfalls and dynamics of how we end up in these toxic relational situations, then so be it. We really have no control over the choices they make, we can only assert healthier boundaries and hope that that has a positive effect on the other. Either way, their choices are not our responsibility but our integrity is. It's got to be about psychological safety, self love and care and addressing all those unmet needs that we've neglected, in the years of trying to create a fulfilling dynamic with a toxic, dishonest and unhealthy individual.

 

[NIKI]

Gosh...I just want to scream out in pain! He is my only child and I still want to be a mother. I feel so lost and there is nothing I can do about it. Maybe some time I will get a small puppy to feel mothering again. :(:( Some might think this is to much but this is how I feel...I feel like I am mourning the "death" of my still living child. :(

can’t even be described as somebody who hasn’t live through it.

It seems so hard for the people who have not lived through this abuse to even begin to understand what we have lived through. It makes me feel even more alone.

 

[mumstheword]

Gosh...I just want to scream out in pain! He is my only child and I still want to be a mother. I feel so lost and there is nothing I can do about it. Maybe some time I will get a small puppy to feel mothering again. :(:( Some might think this is to much but this is how I feel...I feel like I am mourning the "death" of my still living child. :(



It seems so hard for the people who have not lived through this abuse to even begin to understand what we have lived through. It makes me feel even more alone.

Sometimes, not only would I cry myself to sleep (when my babies [teen & adult babies] were estranged to me) but, I would wake up with tears running down my face as well! I had been crying in my sleep! And I still have the shudder in my breathing, when I exhale deeply. It is like losing a child coz it is losing a child. In fact although there can be hope for reconciliation, the uncertainty of not knowing what to do, or whether you will ever have them in your life again, will their hearts ever turn back? can be (was) the worst stress and emotional pain, certainly, that I ever experienced. So I get the extreme nature of the loss and grief.

My oldest daughter sided with her abusive dad from the ages of 14 until just last year, at 23, she softed towards me, after having her own relationship with a narcissist (she identified him as that, after her own research). Together, my ex and her, turned 3 of my son's against me. My oldest turned against me, my second born developed episodic psychosis under my ex's watch, now we have both lost care of him and he has a state appointed guardian, my middle sons were also lost to me for 7 years and in that time my middle son developed borderline personality disorder and had multiple operations on a damaged arm (I found out, after the fact) and "tried to kill.himself a bunch of times" (according to my second youngest, who told me this, just this year) and my second youngest son was raped.

I lived in the same town, yet didn't visit or get to talk to my children for 4 years, because of the narcissistic abuse. It's the toughest thing I've been through and I've been.through a huge amount of tough stuff. So I get how painful and lonely this is for you, you have an empathetic and understanding witness.

So, so sorry you are going through this. I wish I could hug you (if you were ok with that). Sending you caring, compassion right now. :hug::hug::hug: @Nicki (sorry if this doesn't come across like a post of empathy, I have Aspergers and can be very socially clunky, it's how my brain is wired) .
I really am feeling for you though.

 

[Alli D87]

I understand where you are at now. Have you ever watched any videos on YouTube about dealing with Narc abuse? I have learned a lot about what happened and what they get out of abusing us. But, I have to say the the pain of the abuses still hurts so much. :(

Yes I've done a lot of research on narc abuse, and you're absolutely right, Just can't seem to get over the betrayal and abuse no matter how much time passes... It's been over 2 years for me.