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- #13
O
Odi
My experience with talking to T's about exactly this sort of self-harm, for what it's worth...
With mental health professionals who didn't have a trauma background, they seem to find this sort of self-harm incredibly confronting. I always received an incredibly compassionate response when I've raised it, but in the absence of a trauma background, I was always very aware "Okay, I just hit their threshold".
But when I've been able to raise it with a trauma-experienced T (always have to write it down, can't say it out loud, the shame I've felt was way too much), in addition to compassion, I got a lot of validation (they've seen it before, because with a trauma history like yours, this is actually a really common coping mechanism), and massive amounts of support to get on top of the issue. And it's come up with more than 1 T over the years!
Recreating the trauma does a lot of different things that make it feel easier to survive right now, deal with emotions and confusion, make the world make sense again, and on and on. There are a tonne of reasons why we do exactly what you're describing. You are definitely not alone. And learning how to deal with the things that are causing you to do this, even unconscious reasons, for me? It hasn't just improved my life and made me safer right now, it's also meant that I can make a lot more progress with my healing and recovery.
When you're ready, absolutely raise this with T, in bits at a time and in writing or whichever way is safest for you. If your T knows the type of trauma you're coming from, there's a good chance that they're already aware that this stuff is potentially going on, and they're waiting for you to feel safe enough to raise it. It's that common.
And you know, it's not great, but this is where you are in your recovery at the moment. You will get past this, but this is normal coping mechanisms with this type of trauma. If you can, try and draw a line for yourself to avoid the things that will potentially injure you. I personally found ways of replicating the pain and sexual humiliation without actually injuring myself, if for no other reason than to avoid needing medical attention. That was my first step.
There's older threads on this forum about exactly this type of self-harm that you may find useful. Knowing I wasn't alone helped me overcome my shame for doing it, and there's been lots of people post ways they found helpful to reduce and overcome this issue, and ways to safely raise it with T.
You don't deserve to be treated like this. You didn't deserve it then, and you don't deserve it now. And you may not believe that now, but there will come a time when you do believe it, and there is actually some empowerment for you in allowing yourself to look after your body. You will get there. Just posting about it here? Letting yourself do that? That's a huge achievement. Like, HUGE!
With mental health professionals who didn't have a trauma background, they seem to find this sort of self-harm incredibly confronting. I always received an incredibly compassionate response when I've raised it, but in the absence of a trauma background, I was always very aware "Okay, I just hit their threshold".
But when I've been able to raise it with a trauma-experienced T (always have to write it down, can't say it out loud, the shame I've felt was way too much), in addition to compassion, I got a lot of validation (they've seen it before, because with a trauma history like yours, this is actually a really common coping mechanism), and massive amounts of support to get on top of the issue. And it's come up with more than 1 T over the years!
Recreating the trauma does a lot of different things that make it feel easier to survive right now, deal with emotions and confusion, make the world make sense again, and on and on. There are a tonne of reasons why we do exactly what you're describing. You are definitely not alone. And learning how to deal with the things that are causing you to do this, even unconscious reasons, for me? It hasn't just improved my life and made me safer right now, it's also meant that I can make a lot more progress with my healing and recovery.
When you're ready, absolutely raise this with T, in bits at a time and in writing or whichever way is safest for you. If your T knows the type of trauma you're coming from, there's a good chance that they're already aware that this stuff is potentially going on, and they're waiting for you to feel safe enough to raise it. It's that common.
And you know, it's not great, but this is where you are in your recovery at the moment. You will get past this, but this is normal coping mechanisms with this type of trauma. If you can, try and draw a line for yourself to avoid the things that will potentially injure you. I personally found ways of replicating the pain and sexual humiliation without actually injuring myself, if for no other reason than to avoid needing medical attention. That was my first step.
There's older threads on this forum about exactly this type of self-harm that you may find useful. Knowing I wasn't alone helped me overcome my shame for doing it, and there's been lots of people post ways they found helpful to reduce and overcome this issue, and ways to safely raise it with T.
You don't deserve to be treated like this. You didn't deserve it then, and you don't deserve it now. And you may not believe that now, but there will come a time when you do believe it, and there is actually some empowerment for you in allowing yourself to look after your body. You will get there. Just posting about it here? Letting yourself do that? That's a huge achievement. Like, HUGE!
