Greiving What Cant Be Changed

[ladee]

Still no contact with my son.

I know how I feel about my own parents. My mom...I have come to understand her on such a deep level. I always loved her, still do. And miss her more every year.

The sperm dinar...indifferent. Don't hate him or love him. Tho I hated him for many years. I'm grateful I put in the work on my healing journey to reach a place of indifference. Hating someone gives them too much power.

My son...a part of me would understand if he felt the same about me as I do the sperm donar. Maybe he refers to me as the egg donar.
The grief of loosing him to my PTSD, is coming over me in waves sometimes.

I wonder if I will ever get to tell him how sorry I am? To tell him I didn't know what was wrong with me. That the guilt and shame when I lashed out at him has never left me. I know I have to work on self forgiveness..not right now all I want is to see him. To hug him.

I have no excuses. I have reasons but it doesn't change the deep loss of him in my life.

I know it has to be this way .
No contact. So we don't hurt each other and do any more damage.

But I do miss him. He has hurt me also. Making me pay and pay and pay for being his mom.

Took me forever to understand it was emotional abuse I was allowing him to do.

That has been forgiven. Not forgotten...but forgiven.

My biggest fear is I will never see him again. He hates me that much.

I can't change the past. I have worked so hard at getting better. He doesn't want to hear my story.

I feel like I am whining. I have never cut myself much slack for being in pain. But guess it is progress to share what I'm feeling.

I hate PTSD with a passion. For the pain it causes eveyone. No one gets a free ride..I get that. But does something have to hurt every damned day until we die?

I know this is adding to my body pain and I am in a viscious cycle right now.

Am doing everything I know to do to not end up in the rabbit hole. Serves no purpose.

Guess I have to give myself permission to hurt. I hate this part. I hate it a lot.

 

[lonelyone82]

:( So sorry. I cried a little reading this. I can't imagine how that feels. I suppose like grief. Sometimes I grieve lost friends to ptsd or other relationships when I was really stressed and unwell. Some of them stayed with me. I'm so lucky my siblings did. That's sad that it is your son though I can't imagine. I know those feelings. So sorry to hear.

 

[ladee]

Thank you @lonelyone82 .
I just get overwhelmed with it sometimes.
The weather has been crappy so I can't get out in nature which is so healing for me. The distraction of proof that life goes on. Has cycles. Mother nature bringing havoc and destruction.
Ever noticed that it's a 'female' resposible. Just like hurricanes used to be only female names.
We are given so much power to destroy or make things beautiful. But seems the really bad stuff females are resposible.
This is no womens rights issue I'm talking about..just where my mind is taking me right now.
Thank you for hearing me. I really need to be heard right now.
I appreciate you taking the time to connect with me. I don't feel so alone.
Gentle hugs if you accept.
Thank you.

 

[Finchlet2]

I brought my beautifull babies up on the streets for the first six years but we were s o happy I promise you that. Both were conceived during separate attacks the younger when m y eldest was present though gratefully she stayed asleep in her tent nest that I was guarding with my life and my attacker didn't even know she was in there. My brave son haS battled medical complications throughout his life and last year social services said it wasn't appropriate us sleeping on the street s when they'd allowed me to bring them up there for six years no support and take the kids away and leave me on the streets rather than bother to house us. No abuse or neglect concerned we were bonded so close it broke me. I still see them but grieve everyday for that love and commitment I felt and their laughter the most gorgeous sound I n the world. But I am stro n g - I will move forward make life ok and never ever leave them behind. I am forced to miss day to daY miracles but they have a tigress fighting for them in the background.

 

[ladee]

I am so sorry @Finchlet . my heart breaks for you. Getting your kids taken away had to be the worst experience in the world.
I am happy you get to see them but that is never enough.
Is any agency helping you get on your feet and get them back? God I hope so.

You and your kids are in my prayers to be reunited in a safe environment!

You continue to be that tigress. Nothing is more powerful than a mothers love.

Sending you lots of hugs.

Stay safe.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@ladee I'm sorry that things still seem to get under your skin and it probably feels like ripping your skin off. You know that I know ( and others that are going through the same thing) that this is a tough road to navigate. You will bump into traffic that you weren't ready for, big hills, and lots of twisting, turning, and even some roads that lead to nowhere!!!

It's important though that you try and keep your car pointing in the right direction, with all the tools that you have picked up along the way. It ain't easy, sister, and it rips and tugs your heart out at times... And there isn't jack shit that you can do about it, until he decides that he's going to grow up and take responsibility for his actions and words.

My own kid will never be able to do that, because she is a pathological liar, that blames everyone else for even the things she herself has done..... I actually went to her over 20 yrs ago, and told her how sorry I was, I told her that yes, she had every right to be angry with me. I validated all of the shit that I did, and validated how she felt about it. I did everything I could think of that would have helped her and I to be mother and daughter... she really doesn't want that, because she has never accepted that some of the shit she went through she started.

So yes, @ladee I know the hurt and the pain.... Shoulder, Kleenex and empathy is always here if you need them.

Hugs to You!!!!

Wendy

 

[pixel]

oh @ladee how gut-wrenching

i've wrote words and then deleted them.
how do i say what has no words?

My bones groan with you.

 

[ladee]

Our weather is so crappy and I can not get out to the woods where I breathe..am grateful to the core of my being..where everything makes sense.
Too much time to think tho I try to stay busy.
Read something on here today about my karma being paid for.
Going to journal about that a lot in the next few days.
I am doing this to myself.
Nothing triggered this.
And @She Cat, he is the same way as your daughter. You and I have talked about this before.
I could do what you did and not one thing would change.
So I am going to The Big Source..God....for this self forgiveness work I need to do. I know I needed to share it...and I did feel better.
Guess I am wanting to feel a shift.
I'll get there. Wherever 'there' is. Thank you for being by my side once again. Love and hugs

@pixel , thank you so much for being here. Wish you had left your words. Maybe next time you will feel more comfortable sharing.

There will be a next time for sack cloth and ashes or the hair shirt. This grief is normal. Comes in stages.

Thanks to both of you for hearing me.love to both of you