Grieving For A Perpetrator

[Deleted member 35429]

This happened a long time ago but came up briefly in therapy last week. Long story but in short, when I was 16 I was anally raped by a 25yr old married man.

I later learned that when he was a boy he was repeatedly tied to a tree by a neighbor and raped.

He said he doesn't remember hurting me. That night I had repeatedly said no and tried to get him to stop with vaginal sex and said he remembers he stopped, but what he actually did was turn me over and force anal sex on me. Now that I understand trauma better I realize that my saying no and getting upset may have triggered his trauma, and maybe that caused him to reenact it on me?? Does this make sense? If so, how can we lock people up for reenacting their trauma in a state of amnesia?

I grieve so much for the little boy in him that was hurt. I actually feel that his suffering was so horrendous that if he felt any bit of power or relief by doing that to me then I feel it's OK. I was so depressed thinking of his suffering this week. I must be so demented.

To make matters worse his body has turned on him and given him an autoimmune disease that is killing him. It seems to me childhood trauma that is that severe seems to create autoimmune diseases as you get older. So he is slowly dying from his trauma. It's all so tragic.

I have no anger for him and just feel his pain.

 

[Gs172003]

This happened a long time ago but came up briefly in therapy last week. Long story but in short, when I w...

Ok I hope this doesn't upset you but....

My ex..the one I call #2...told me that same crap the last time I left him. Is that the go to story? Except his was "when I was 9 I was assaulted ( in the way you said, I can't yet type it out) by a man in the woods."

I never believed him. He was a compulsive liar.

This is what is screaming at me while I read your story. Bull bull bull.

People like that want to be turned into the victim.


I had to get my head together to get this right. I'm sorry.

 

[IamFree]

What he did to you was not acceptable in anyway at all. but you must have a great heart for having some commpassion for what he went through. dont let go of that commpassion but acknowledge your anger aswell.

 

[Gs172003]

I understand feeling bad for what he's going through NOW. ( assuming he's telling the truth). You have a right to mourn/ grieve/ be angry for what he did to you THEN.

 

[NaeNae75]

I'm hesitant to even say this, but why were you in a situation to be having sex with him at all? I might be misunderstanding but you made it sound like you were complicit to that.
The reality is, he raped you both ways. .. that's a pretty significant age difference at that stage in life.

You can choose to feel bad for him if you want, but he certainly doesn't deserve it in any respect. Because even if that was a "triggered" event he still is accountable for his actions. ..including infidelity and statutory rape. Being triggered doesn't excuse deplorable behavior.

 

[Gs172003]

I'm hesitant to even say this, but why were you in a situation to be having sex with him at all? I mig...

Exactly. And...he's making excuses for it.

 

[Abstract]

I hear you and have been inclined to react this way to things as well. I understand your reaction from a personal perspective.

One thing I will ask for now is how much self compassion do you have? How much are you able to put aside all else and see what the 16 year old you went through and validate that?

 

[PointlessExistence]

Gaping holes in your narrative. Why was a 25 year old male alone with you? We need some backstory to really make any sense of this.

Actually being triggered to the point where one is in "a state of amnesia', having no control over one's actions is extremely rare, so I'm calling bullshit on him for claiming that. Like an earlier poster said, chances are the "tied to a tree and raped" story is BS too.

Abusers are master-manipulators. Now that the knowledge of PTSD has become so widespread the victimizers have found ways to use it as another avenue towards assault and abuse. Now they just claim it happened to them. Then they'll prey on your sympathy and on your decency of not wanting to be too harsh on a fellow PTSD-sufferer.

But let's imagine for a second that what he said to you was gospel. Then for HIS OWN good, not to mention the good of society, he belongs institutionalized so that his actions can be controlled and so that he can get help.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I understand that. I say it was still wrong AND criminal. That if I abused a child and my defense was I was abused as a child and I don't remember, even if I didn't remember but did do it, there has to be some punishment or justice. I mean, think of it as he did that to your child. Wouldn't you want justice? Justice doesn't always mean jail. It can mean mental insitiution. But I know i'd want some form of justice.

But I do get and understand how you feel. I think it speaks to your level of empathy too. High empathy or a lot of empathy. Which is a good thing in my opinion.

 

[Gs172003]

Gaping holes in your narrative. Why was a 25 year old male alone with you? We need some back...

Yep.

 

[Gs172003]

The guy is full of crap whether he was abused or not. He knows exactly what he did. Just like the ass I was married to. He was trying to pull on my heart strings to get me to stay and THAT TIME IT DIDNT WORK

 

[shimmerz]

I have no anger for him and just feel his pain.

Whether it is true or not, this statement screams out at me.

I feel like this, the way you have worded it, is a boundary issue. Understanding that his pain (if this is true) played a part in it is fine, but it may be better to focus on your pain and healing it. Not his. His is his own to own.