Guilty After Therapy

[xena21]

Just wondering if its my OCD or if other people feel guilty after saying things about their past in therapy? I saw my therapist today and told her things I never said before. I never talk about anything because of the fear of being wrong. Mostly this is something I have had from childhood.

I believe I should carry the blame for everything no matter what. I also have extreme OCD which makes me feel like I need to be right in every circumstance or something bad will happen to someone I love. Therefore when I talk about my past, I know I need to say the "right" things so everyone is safe. Obviously this is superstitious thinking, but I adhere to it intensely.

Guilt is always the main feeling I have when talking about anything from my past. I feel like I'm not telling things the right way or the way they should be told so the therapist can understand better. Then after I just feel guilty and have a panic attack on my way home from her office. Is this how it's supposed to play out?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I have a similar right and wrong issue. I have a great need to do everything right and there is a clear right way to do things. I get upset if I think I've done something the wrong way. I have a really hard time talking because of the fear of being wrong. I haven' gotten to the point where I have said much so I can't relate to the guilty feeling afterward. I do have panic attacks if I get close to saying something though. Dealing with the past is hard stuff. I hope you feel proud that you are at least taking that risk to talk and I hope you can work through the guilty feelings. Have you mentioned that to your therapist?

 

[arfie]

I get guilt feelings about everything attached to my PTSD, whether I let myself look at it or completely repress it. Repression just turns it into a time bomb with more collateral damage when the pin gets yanked. I definitely feel more stable with it out in the open where I can keep tabs on it.

No, I don't think it is how it is supposed to be, but what about PTSD is what it is supposed to be? All I can say for certain is that you are not alone. Keep working. At least now my head knows the guilt is both pointless and misdirected. Now to get my stubborn, little heart in sync with my head...

Be nice to yourself, xena. You deserve it.

 

[Seasounds]

Yes, I have felt that guilt, for stepping out, speaking out, and telling my memory, and standing with my memory as (my) truth. It took me a while to not shake or feel guilty for speaking badly of others, or claiming something was real-that only I could substantiate. It use to bring on shame, panic, and fear.

It is a wonderful act you've taken. You get to have, claim, say, and share your experience; this time with no repercussions, this time with support!

Be patient with your process, your nervous system and psyche need time to adjust to the freedom and safety of claiming your reality.

Keep reminding yourself you are not guilty, let other people's shame be theirs, and tell yourself 100 times daily, that you are good person, you are a gem! :)

 

[Meadowsweet]

Yes, I think this is quite common when talking about these things. I always feel that I am somehow implicated in abuse, so there is that guilt. Then, talking about childhood abuse, I feel guilty for getting images like that in my mind - that was partly because I was quite disconnected to the child in me, so it always felt like I talking about something about somebody else.

 

[shimmerz]

My t-doc used to say that you cannot connect to something that you haven't felt before. I trusted that as my core abuse happened at a time that nobody believed that it could have been. I trusted my t-doc to trust myself and what my body was telling of the situation I had endured. Years later I got written confirmation. Any good t-doc will know that the truth you hold that is trying to come out is not something that you even could make up. Trust in yourself, use your trusted resources and try to hold onto that as your truth.

As a wise old shaman once said to me - who could possibly make this up and who would want to? If it was made up you would have only the verbal story and your body wouldn't be reacting in tandem.

Our story is the first lesson we get to pass in trusting in ourselves.

 

[Sammyiam]

I to have a terrible time feeling guilty, I think that if I say something about bad things that have happened to me or if I have bad thoughts that I am going to die because it's all my fault and I'm a bad person, so that means something really bad is going to happen to me to cause me to die.

If I think it's all to much and I'm not going to make it, I have a terrible time beating myself up, then I think that because I've had really bad thoughts, that's it bad things are going to happen.

The self harm etc starts getting worse and everything just gets worse. I spend most of my life trying to please everyone as I carn't stand anyone being angry with me or the thought of being told off just terrifies me.

The first post I wrote I was so nervous that I had terrible grammar etc and got an auto response letter telling me, which most people would just read and fix, I spent over two hours trying to write the next letter, and felt so guilty because I had done something wrong I never thought I would post anything in fear of doing it wrong again, I am really sorry if there are mistakes in this, I have tried really hard, but I just don't seem to have anything together any more, my whole life just seems so disjointed I am not even sure who I am anymore.

Just like you I am in fear of doing or saying something wrong and it is so hard to live with. It is just gobbling up my life in front of my very eyes while I sit back and watch like an auto pilot button has been pushed and I am watching from a distance unable to stop it all from happening.

You talked about guilt I to suffer from terrible guilt, I think shame and guilt are two of the most hardest emotions to cope with.

I agree with arfie.

Be nice to yourself, and know you aren't alone.

Take care
Sammyiam

 

[shimmerz]

I like you all - perfect or not. It lets me be not perfect and that helps me to heal. When I make a typo or don't make sense in a post people just ask me to clarify. If I can't clarify right away you wait patiently for me to come back to myself. You trust in me that there are good days and bad days. That I will get myself grounded again. I wish that you would have as much trust in yourselves as you do for me.

 

[xena21]

I have a great need to do everything right and there is a clear right way to do things. I get upset if I think I've done something the wrong way. I have a really hard time talking because of the fear of being wrong. I haven' gotten to the point where I have said much so I can't relate to the guilty feeling afterward

I completely relate. My therapist has pushed me to discuss my family and not in a excessive way, just a little shove. She is a good person. I just have severe fear of saying bad things about my family and that it will come back to haunt me. What if I say the wrong things or I remembered them the wrong way? I was just a kid. What if something bad happens from something I say?

I to have a terrible time feeling guilty, I think that if I say something about bad things that have happened to me or if I have bad thoughts that I am going to die because it's all my fault and I'm a bad person, so that means something really bad is going to happen to me to cause me to die.

It's definitely the same with me. I feel as if I can't say the exact things I want to say. My fear is actually more about my Mom being hurt, not me. I always worry that whatever I do will bring bad luck or whatever you call it down on my Mom. So if I mess something up or forget something the wrong way, she's screwed.

Everything sucks when it comes to telling the right story.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think the guilt and shame and self loathing is from keeping the families secret. It was for me. I wasted so many years in these emotions and I never felt I was good enough.

I think I am good enough now and I no longer carry the shame and blame and self loathing.

Knowing what I know now, I sure could have done things better. But I know in my heart that I was doing the best I could while feeling so much pain and anguish.

I never felt like I was a good enough mom to my kids and they both kept telling me that I was a good mom. I am so sad now that I did not believe them.

I realize now that I need my mistakes in order to learn from them and change.

I surely empathize with all of you, because it is such a bad place to be.

It is how do we get the information from our heads into our hearts so real change can happen.

A very wise woman told me that I was beating up on myself and now it is no longer an option for me.

 

[shimmerz]

Everything sucks when it comes to telling the right story.

And isn't it just this story that keeps us from seeing our own story? I believe good therapy helps us tell 'our' story, not the one we were meant to parrot.