Had Enough Of Fighting My Own Head

[Abstract]

but when I am there something kicks in that clearly thinks otherwise.

This is exactly how I describe it too. I absolutely hate it with a passion. I feel powerless and trapped. Needing help and unable to get it.

Out of the last 15 sessions of T I had I only had one when I actually spoke any significant amount. Most involved about one sentence the whole hour.

Are you trying to speak about trauma and finding it not possible or is it about other stuff too? It does sound like you have looked at coping and self care already. It's obviously not enough when we are silenced like this so I guess we have to think what else we can do to help feel safer. I have realised that I literally have no success when I try to just force it.

 

[digger]

Are you trying to speak about trauma and finding it not possible or is it about other stuff too?

Kind of both. Sometimes I can talk more general stuff with her, but once I shut down that's usually pretty much it. Even if she tries to get me talking again by just asking really simple unrelated stuff I can't get my voice back.

I think I'm scared as well that there will come a point where she will give up on me because if I can't talk to her then she can't help me. Maybe. I'm wondering if that's part of it though too, that I'm expecting her to give up on me anyway so don't feel safe enough to share stuff only to get left on my own again with it anyway? Not sure that makes sense, I don't think I've explained it very well.

 

[Abstract]

That sounds like a helpful realisation. It sounds like fears of abandonment are part of what is keeping the cycle fuelled. That is what I have done for the last year or so. I have been prising apart the things that were keeping it cycling and then seeing if I can break them down and work on them.

I think I'm scared as well that there will come a point where she will give up on me

I think its almost impossible to not feel like this when we are sitting there in silence week in and week out. I felt more and more trapped and was sure my T was frustrated with me. I also started feeling really guilty as it was a charity and started feeling time was better spent on someone else. I struggled to feel Ok about using trauma resources in the first place.

 

[digger]

I pay for my own counselling so that is not quite so much of an issue but I do still feel sometimes that I am wasting her time and that she must be getting frustrated with me. I ended up going down the private route after getting pretty messed about by NHS services and I struggle really to articulate what's going on to my GP so they're not really fully aware of the situation and I don't have a proper diagnosis. It's my counsellor who is recognising it as traumatic stress, and while I do agree with her, I also really struggle with hearing her using the words 'trauma' and 'traumatic' - I don't know if it's a denial thing or if I don't consider my experiences to be 'worthy' of the label

 

[Miasmith]

I would try coming at if from a different way. Maybe start talking about my day to day life. Eventually you will remember something and casually bring it up without knowing. As long as you know its ok then you will be ok. I think the support is very helpful just by its self.

 

[digger]

hmm, not so sure, but thanks for the suggestion.

Forgetting is more of an issue than remembering and I really can't see a point where I would ever just be able to casually bring any of it up, knowingly or not knowingly. I struggle even with just talking about day to day life stuff a lot of the time, I guess because I know that's not what I'm really there to talk about and other stuff is overwhelming in my head, but I'm not much of a one for small talk anyway, even with friends ;)

I do agree that there is probably some benefit to the support by itself, even if it just makes me feel that I am at least making some attempt to sort, and she does remind me sometimes that even if I'm not talking, she is still there and sharing some of it.

I guess I'm just really fed up with how I'm feeling and how incapable I feel at dealing with it more productively. I try not to focus on dates and anniversary type stuff, but I think that is contributing too at the moment, as I'm three years into this round of shite and it's hard not to hope that I would have had more of a handle on things by now :-/

 

[Miasmith]

Maybe you are one more session away from a breakthrough so keep on staying positive. You have nothing to loose by going. I can not begin to understand what has happened to you but just remember that the things that have happened to you are not a reflection of who you are, they are indeed a reflection of the people or person who has made an attack on you.

 

[Hashi]

We have done a lot of work on grounding and coping strategies.

Hi digger, I'm trying to get a sense of this. Were you able to talk with her when you were doing that work? If so, it sounds like that was an achievement in itself.

How are you using the grounding and coping strategies now? Do you do them often, throughout the day? Do you do them before you see her?

 

[digger]

Hi Hashi, often no, I haven't been able to speak to her properly during that work either. Much of our sessions consist of her kind of talking around subjects, if that makes sense, so that I am less likely to completely shut down and am more able to stay present.

I do use techniques frequently yes, and before and during sessions and they help me to stay a bit more in control of the situation, but not with being able to speak.

 

[Abstract]

just asking really simple unrelated stuff I can't get my voice back.

Digger, I relate to so much that you describe.

struggle with hearing her using the words 'trauma' and 'traumatic'

It's only in the last year that I have become more used to the terms. I was told it was denial. Sometimes I can see and believe that other times not. It feels like nothing. I also have big problems with internal self abuse and invalidating my own feelings.

I did not try to get treatment through the NHS as a I know enough to know that it usually results in very basic general treatment rather than trauma therapy.

The trauma charities tend to be really good and well run and I was looking for safety. I was advised by someone online who has PTSD and is a trauma therapist. My dr mentioned as much too. But they are time limited and I won't be doing that again.

but not with being able to speak.

It is really strange as I am much less dissociated than I was in the past and am pretty well able to control dissociation these days in general - comparatively. In fact I feel like I was born about 3 years ago. Mindfulness and DBT have helped a lot. I work on it all the time and obviously step it up before and during T and after but for me too it was not enough to help me speak.

I am still attempting to figure it out but am coming to the idea that general safety and general grounding are different to having specific things that cause me to feel very unsafe in therapy. My theory is that I need to address those specific things to help with this. The proof or disproof will be when I get myself to get back into therapy!

 

[digger]

Thanks Abstract. Not liking that you have the same issues because it means you're feeling the same and I wouldn't want that for anyone, but it is helpful that someone can relate.

 

[Abstract]

Thanks Digger. Interested to see if you get any other suggestions though. It's all a learning curve...

I actually think even someone else understanding is a help for me so thank you.