Had Enough Of Fighting My Own Head

[digger]

All that absolutely makes sense Rumors - thank you for putting words to it. I am very scared of losing control, not knowing how I am going to react, what direction they're going to take. I don't feel that I can afford for things to go very far downhill from here and yes, I am worried that bringing things out and facing them, rather than continuing to just try and keep a lid on them, could tip the balance too far.

Things also get too big and too complicated in my head too quickly and that silences me too, because it feels impossible to say one small thing without it leading to me to having to explain a whole lot of other stuff as well and I know I won't be able to cope with too much in one go. I guess perhaps that may come down to needing to find an order for things that mean they don't need so much explanation.

Thank you for all the responses. It is helping me to try and at least clarify what is keeping me silent. Much appreciated.

 

[TeaLeaf]

Digger- I can really relate to a lot of what you said and how badly you want to get better. Early on, I had difficulty taking in therapy and thought I must be wasting my time though her support was helping me in some way and I blamed myself. Part of what kept me from talking was that prior to starting therapy, most people in my life were not supportive when I spoke up and said how I felt. I was told I was dramatic, selfish, that my feelings didn't matter or I was humiliated in some way for saying how I felt. That made me learn not to speak up and get mad at myself when I knew I really needed to speak up but couldn't. I blamed myself or felt bad about myself no matter what I did. I wonder how others reacted to you in the past when you spoke up about your needs or feelings?

I like what a lot of others said about setting expectations. All the stuff that brought you to therapy has likely been going on for a long time so it will take time to unravel things in therapy. And I think the more pressure you put on yourself, the harder it might be to talk about it. I like what another poster said about doing something with your hands during therapy. Coloring, drawing, playing cards, board games, etc. My current therapist has a button bowl and when I get really distressed she reminds me I can run my hands through it or pick out a button to play with.

I know what it is like to feel "stupid and useless" during therapy because I can't get things out and I have a lot of compassion for you feeling that way. As others mentioned, it is the therapists job to guide to process, it is your job to show up and participate as best you can. You are really brave and strong just for going and wanting to get better. And I know what you mean about being worried that she will give up you. With my first therapist, I felt like I was surely her most annoying and frustrating client and if I was just able to talk more, I could get better. Looking back I realize it wasn't her, It was what I learned to expect for others and she was a mirror for how other people treated me in my life.

I'm thinking about what you said regarding how you are a stubborn and self reliant person and you have dealt with crisises on your own. That is me too, part of being fiercely independent was that it was part of my personality and the other part was that I had to be independent because no one was there for me as a child to help me deal with my feelings.

I'm sorry you are struggling with therapy and I hope things take even a small turn forward very soon. In the meantime, try to have compassion, even a tiny bit of it, for yourself. You are doing the best you can.

 

[digger]

Thank you TeaLeaf. I'm in the wrong headspace to write a longer response at the moment but I can relate to pretty much al of that and thanks for saying it.

 

[digger]

'One word' can I even manage that? NO! Not even just one word :( Another hour of not being able to break out of silence.

 

[Rumors]

Sometimes, digger, I KNOW I can't verbalize what I need to say so I write a note and just hand it to my T to read. Usually, by the time he reads it, my anxiety begins to subside and we go through it. Then we spend a few sessions on what I wrote because it is never just small stuff, it is usually BIG stuff. I don't verbalize well at all when i feel vulnerable and, although writing it is hard, I can at least get it out! Good luck!

 

[digger]

Yes, I have a huge aversion to writing things down and seeing things written down as well but I think that's probably going to have to be the way to go.

 

[Rumors]

Me either! The first time I wrote something I almost died. However, I must say when it was over I felt better! Hang in there! I just wrote. I didn't critique what I wrote or even re-read anything mi just wrote what I felt and handed it in. It made enough sense and my at got the point. Give it a try! ;)

 

[Tinyflame]

Digger, I think the difference between people with ptsd and people without ptsd (who may have even themselves overcome great trauma), is that the people without ptsd confuse the difference in overcoming trauma (through beliefs, persistence, attitude, courage, will, etc) with ptsd; that is, they confuse triumphing over trauma with triumphing over ptsd. They are different animals. In fact, many people with ptsd have themself survived or overcome great traumas already (hence the ptsd), so it's not a question of being 'strong' or trying harder, or different attitude, etc. But at some point (at least for me), then one realizes ptsd is driving the bus, and (I at least) am left feeling pretty bankrupt, no matter what I've made it through or how 'well' someone else thinks I've survived. If that makes sense.

 

[digger]

But at some point (at least for me), then one realizes ptsd is driving the bus

I am still fighting this idea I think. I don't want to accept it.

 

[digger]

Coming here to this forum is maybe a step towards that though.

 

[Candleflames]

Even I have a hard time talking in the therapy office and I talk, a lot. I talk to everyone all the freakin time. I talk to my friends and my neighbors and strangers on the street. Heck, I'm talking to myself as I type this. But when I walk through the door to my therapist's office my throat will dry or my mind will go blank or all that comes out is a squeak.

Part of the issue was just not feeling comfortable and safe, sometimes it still is. Another part of the issue was voicing things made it feel more real and I want to just make all of my crap disappear. Still another part was feeling like my stuff wasn't so bad and any complaint out of me was a sign of all the negative things I thought about myself. I spent many sessions just sitting there.

There are many great suggestions here that worked for me already. Keeping your hands busy with something to fidget with and starting with some light chit-chat worked really well for me. I also asked my T not to look at me as it made me feel under the microscope. That helped in some circumstances. Sometimes just telling my T that I didn't know what to say and recounting my commute to his office helped. The biggest help was to talk about subjects that I have a strong interest in. I spent more than a few sessions talking about keeping tarantulas as pets, music that I'm interested, fiber crafts (knitting or spinning yarn) and my children. I think it was such a great help because after a while my brain began to associate positive talking experiences with the environment. When I tried focusing on all the bad and scary things that I "should" be talking about I would freeze because my brain was associating all that pain with being in the office. By talking about things I felt good about and loved I could feel as if the place I was in held those feelings for me and I could start to talk about the bad stuff.

Does any of that even make any sense?

With all the responses I hope you are able to find something to help you both, Digger1 and Abstract. Please keep us posted.

 

[digger]

Thanks candleflames

Another part of the issue was voicing things made it feel more real and I want to just make all of my crap disappear.

I think this is definitely part of it.

Keeping your hands busy with something to fidget with

I am wondering about this too. I can almost never keep my hands still, I do all sorts of weird movements with them especially when I'm stressed. I suspect some of it maybe stimming but it drives me nuts sometimes!