Had Family Session After Failed Suicide Attempt

[Tinyflame]

Dear anni, of course you ahould come here for comfort! What are friends for!
((((((anni))))))

 

[intothelight]

(((Gloria)))

Hang in there! You are doing a good job of getting back on track. You need to make you a priority and not worry about your ex. He made his bed, and he can lie in it.

Wishing you all the best.

Deb

 

[Gloria]

Gloria, there is no requirement to quote full posts in responses. Please view the video tutorial on how to correctly quote posts, so they are not distracting to the overall readability of a thread: [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/how-to-quoting.14329/[/DLMURL]

Sorry, I didn't know I was doing that.

 

[anthony]

Sorry, I didn't know I was doing that.

Its ok... we all must learn somewhere, but there is a video to help you learn the quoting system to avoid duplicating and lengthening posts unnecessarily.

 

[Gloria]

Thanks Deb. My computer was in the shop for five days with a virus and just got my desktop back. I am sick of computer problems. I used to be a project manager for software developing teams so I know a little. The guys at Best Buy allowed me to go in the workshop and troubleshoot with them. Found an error in the registry caused by a virus. The virus erased much of my contact information so now I have to e-mail everyone for their phone and addresses. There are some people that I have lost forever.

I keep going back and forth about continuing this lawsuit. Just talked to a couple of my friends on the phone. I am lucky to have such wonderful sons and friends.

 

[Gloria]

This is so strange. I don't understand it. I lost two days because of a fever and when I had the fever, I made phone calls and did all sorts of things that I don't remember. Now I'm starting to sleep walk. I'm doing really strange things in my sleep. I am taking pills. I wake up in the morning and I thought my kitten tore everything out of my drawers. Or I wake up and I don't know where my clothes are and apparently I went in the family room took off my clothes and went back to bed. I told my therapist about this. I was told that I would sleep walk when I was a child. Is this another form of brain damage or is this mental? I feel like I should go in the hospital.

 

[Don]

hi, Gloria,

It just sounds to me like you're very, very agitated at present (no wonder imo). I think when we get all stirred up emotionally or have been recently, we often can't find things (even, if they're right in front of us -- for me that's a definite 'red flag', that I need to slow down and chill out), do or concentrate on the simplest of things, or may indeed walk about in a fog not remembering what we've done recently.

Is there some 'calming routine', a simple activity, that you could focus on? To 'engage' your mind and hands, leaving less room for agitation to take root, imo. A sort of "mental vacation", if you will.

I use simple puzzle books (a half hour or so with one of those when my thoughts are all scattered, has a very 'calming' effect on me, settles me right down). Closely focussing your attention on something like knitting, a long walk (focus your full attention on your legs striding along), or housework might do the trick, too.

Don

ps. Electronic entertainment (TV, PC, videogames and such), seems to have the opposite effect on me when done in excess.

 

[Gloria]

Thanks Don for the suggestion. I am now aware that I am sleep walking. In my sleep walking, I go to the cabinet to get alcohol (and I don't even drink wine or beer or really anything) and I was blaming my kitten for this but I would find my drawers open and everything thrown on the floor. The drawers are to my nightstand and I keep clonazapam and some other muscle relaxer in the drawer. I don't remember consciously thinking that I was going to kill myself. Obviously, if I really planned to do it, I have prescription drugs not over the counter sleeping pills. It seems like in my sleep walking I try to drink and take pills (to kill myself?) I looked up information on the web on sleep walking and PTSD. The articles said that people with PTSD sleep walk when they are extremely stressed. My lawyer and therapist talked on Friday and I will find out what was decided on Monday. Don, you are absolutely right. I tried to talk on the phone with someone and they kept saying Are you there? because I was like in a trance. I don't ever remember trying to commit suicide, sleep walking and I think I'm disassociating. Not only that, my wrists, knees, chest and shoulder are killing me. I feel real pain. These are the injuries from the police assault. These are the things that my lawyer had me talking about and I felt too stressed out to go on.

I don't want to go through with this lawsuit but I'm stubborn I just can't let them get away with it. But it is affecting my life and my health.

I play Solitaire and Blackjack on my computer as a way to destress. I actually won $3,000,000 at one point playing Blackjack. It's only on my computer. It's not for real money. If I played on-line Blackjack, I would really be in trouble.

 

[Gloria]

At my deposition (which I did do and wrote a thread about it in Accomplishment, the lawyer asked me if I ever attempted suicide and looked him straight in the eye and told him that I did attempt suicide when I thought about talking about all my personal stuff with a jerk like him. It's been months and looking back I know that discussing my personal tragedies and traumas with two very mean lawyers for seven hours or quitting the lawsuit was not just a little trigger. I know why I felt overwhelmed. I am back on track.

That's why I hate suicide so much. People feel overwhelmed and see situations in their life as insurmountable. That's when we need to just discipline ourselves not to think of suicide as an option. At a young age I had both a maternal and paternal uncle commit suicide and then my brother and sister. So when the devil starts tempting me, he whispers in my ear, "They aren't suffering anymore. You still suffer. You don't have to suffer". I don't know but the outcome even thought I guess at this point the lawsuit is cancelled is wonderful. I've never felt so strong. I faced my demons.

I have talked and talked about my death to my family and friends. It would be devastating to them. I know how suicides devastated me. How could I even think of doing that now? But at the time I felt like a burden.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm so glad for you Gloria.

Ya, it's more so (re: suicide) what you think you're doing for 'others', rather than yourself. Because I don't think anyone suicidal actually feels assured even that will end their pain.
And not having any support, or reasons to 'be', or (temporary) memory of reasons why not to or what to do about it, at the time. Constricted thinking and feeling/ 'being' alone.